One of the best Afrikaans sayings that I ever picked up was a drinking lament: “Ek is so babalas, soos a boomslang”. It means “I am so hungover, like a tree snake.” When said in a pained slur, it’s pure poetry.

I haven’t whispered it to myself in years, and it isn’t because it’s a dead language and few people get it. The truth is, I hardly drink anymore. I get drunk maybe once or twice a year, and it’s usually by incidental accident, the fault of especially long wine dinners (12 courses with 4oz pairings) launched with champagne and capped by brandy. Binge drinking, even on New Year’s Eve, just isn’t for me. It never has been (as seen in the video above, we took it relatively easy last year).

But if your chosen mission for this evening is to radically alter your equilibrium with all manner of bottled atrocities, you might want to take WebMD’s refresher on the twelve mythologies surrounding what follows: the hangover.

MYTH: Hangovers Are No Big Deal

FACT: A hangover is the body’s reaction to being poisoned with too much alcohol. Heavy drinking rocks the central nervous system. It tinkers with brain chemicals — leading to headache, dizziness, and nausea — and sends you running to the bathroom so often you become dehydrated. The morning-after price of this imbalance can include a pounding headache, fatigue, cotton mouth, queasy stomach – and a weakened immune system.

MYTH: Hangovers Are Gender-Blind

FACT: Use caution when enjoying those free drinks on Ladies’ Night. Given the same drinks, women are more likely to be slammed with the effects of alcohol than men. Scientists say there’s good reason for this. Men have a higher percentage of water in their bodies, which helps dilute the alcohol they consume. When women drink the same amount, more alcohol builds up in the bloodstream.

MYTH: Only Bingers Get Hangovers

FACT: While it’s true that binge drinking could speed your way to a hangover, you don’t have to get wasted to pay a price the next morning. Depending on your body composition, just a couple of drinks can trigger a headache and other hangover symptoms. Having water or a nonalcoholic drink between each beer or hard drink can help keep you hydrated and reduce the overall amount of alcohol you consume.

MYTH: Wine is the Gentlest Choice

FACT: Red wine contains tannins, compounds that are known to trigger headaches in some people. Malt liquors, like whisky, also tend to produce more severe hangovers. If you’re worried about how you’ll feel in the morning, the gentlest choices are beer and clear liquors, such as vodka and gin.

MYTH: Diet Cocktails Are a Safe Bet

FACT: Diet drinks may help if you’re counting calories, but not if you’re trying to avoid a hangover. Research suggests that consumption of fruits, fruit juices, or other sugar-containing liquids can decrease hangover intensity.

MYTH: Liquor Before Beer, Never Fear

FACT: It’s the amount of alcohol you consume – not the order of your drinks – that matters. That said, the order of your drinks may affect how much you consume. If you have a cosmopolitan, and then switch to beer for the rest of the night, you slow down your intake of alcohol. If you switch from beer to shots, you accelerate your path to drunkenness. Of course, too much liquor can spell “sicker” regardless of whether you began with beer.

MYTH: Eat Pasta Before Bed

FACT: This one is wrong on two counts. First, eating at bedtime (after you’re already drunk) is no help. Food has to be in your stomach before Happy Hour to have any impact. Second, while any food can slow the body’s absorption of alcohol, fat does it best. So go for steak or pizza before your first martini, and you might escape a hangover. One bedtime tip that does help – drink water to fight dehydration.

MYTH: Pop Pain Pills Before Bed

FACT: Over-the-counter painkillers peak in about four hours, so the effect of a bedtime dose will be gone by morning. A better plan is to take the pills when you first wake up. Avoid taking acetaminophen after a night of drinking. Alcohol disrupts how the liver processes acetaminophen, possibly leading to liver inflammation and permanent damage.

MYTH: Alcohol Helps You Sleep Well

FACT: Alcohol disrupts sleep. While a nightcap may help you doze off more quickly, it undermines the quality of your sleep. You don’t spend as much time in all-important REM cycles and you tend to wake up too soon. If you’ve been drinking heavily, a hangover might strike in the last part of the night, leaving you too uncomfortable to get back to sleep.

MYTH: A Wake-Up Cocktail is the Cure

FACT: More alcohol in the morning does nothing but postpone a hangover. The worst symptoms hit when blood-alcohol levels drop to zero. If you have a screwdriver at breakfast, this moment will just come later in the day. And if you find you can’t function without a wake-up cocktail, you should discuss the possibility of addiction with your doctor.

MYTH: Coffee is the Cure

FACT: Coffee leads to more dehydration and could make your hangover worse. After a night of drunkenness, it’s best to avoid anything with caffeine. Instead, sip water and sports drinks to counter dehydration and replace lost electrolytes. This is especially important if you experienced any vomiting.

MYTH: Herbal Remedies Can Help

FACT: British researchers reviewed the available studies on hangover pills, such as yeast and artichoke extract.They concluded that there is no compelling evidence of any effective treatment. Another British team found a supplement made from prickly pear cactus may reduce the nausea and dry mouth associated with hangovers, but not the dreaded headache. The only proven cure is time.

And for the love of all that is good, stay safe tonight, folks.