By our read of this timely instructional video, it involves having a penis (sorry ladies), being celibate (wait…what?), getting a university degree (blessed are the debtors), believing in the eucharist (Christ was 60% Sangiovese), and hot-boxing the Sistine Chapel with 200 other dudes until they all agree that you should be Pope Awesome the First (or something). It’s actually pretty straightforward.