By Jackson Murphy | At my local government liquor distribution branch, there are currently sixty-nine types of vodka in stock. Sixty-nine, and that is just in the 750ml bottle variety. That’s enough to make Stalin spit off his moustache. One can get everything from cheap and blinding plonk to new and pricy brands that defy the liquor’s peasant rep, like the $68.99 bottle of U’luvka from Poland.

According to one review, U’luvka offers drinkers a vodka that is, “creamy and lightly buttery in character, with impressive sweet, savoury and spicy flavours, aniseed freshness and a long vibrant grain finish.” Now, God knows I like the butter, but I never knew my vodka could be buttery. There are also blueberry ones, Vancouver-themed ones, ones that come in crystal skulls made by Dan Aykroyd, organic ones, potato ones, and even mojito ones if that’s your thing. Wait, isn’t a mojito made with rum? Nevermind…if crystal skulls are good enough for George Lucas, they’re good enough for us.

And of course, comrades, our state-run, archaic liquor dictatorship is just scratching the surface. There’s no Diddy-endorsed Ciroc or Trump, for example, not even any of that crazy Kalashnikov vodka that comes in a wicked AK-47 gun made of glass (for serious). And what? No Ed Hardy? It’s an outrage! If Jon Gosselin comes for the Olympic Games, what the hell is he going to drink when he’s cold mackin’ it at Republic?

“Among the 60 new vodka brands introduced in 2006 were eponymous offerings from Donald Trump and Roberto Cavalli,” writes Amy Cortese in The Daily Beast. “Cavalli’s, launched with much velvet rope fanfare, featured grain and alpine spring water from the fashion designer’s native Italy, and was filtered through layers of crushed Carrara marble. Price: $90 a bottle.” $90 vodka? Great Gordon Gekko’s suspenders! How did the 00’s replace the 80’s as the real decade of greed? I thought with the end of the Naughties we could put all this ridiculous vodka behind us.

Apparently, not yet. It seems that even though vodka’s popularity appears to be dimming, it won’t go down without a fight. Actor Bruce Willis has taken the unlikely step of rescuing French vodka maker Belvedere by purchasing a stake in the firm. Yippeekaiyay, motherf@ckers! But seriously, celebrity bailouts of vodka? C’mon. It’s 2010, Bruce, the vodkapocalypse. It’s over.

Hell, even the Russians are doubling the price of vodka to kick their national habit of downing the devil’s clear nectar. The Russians! Unfortunately, it doesn’t take a sputnik scientist to deduce that the move will only encourage the ex-Reds to turn to the more dangerous Motherland homebrews. Da! Lastly, let’s be totally clear: when Walmart’s “Sam’s Club” division is doing their own premium vodka with a slightly cheese-eating name (Rue 33), you know it’s done.

In New York, they’re opening spirit-centric bars that go beyond the clear stuff, like Roneria Caracas, a rum only bar within a restaurant that features some 35 different rums. There’s also Mayahuel, which does much the same but with tequila. Here at home, I recently received an email from The Reef on the Drive, which is doing a 17-evening run of special Sunday Rum Nights. Of course, this could get just as ridiculous as the vodka craze, but at least it’s something new.

But just when I was sure the pretentious, ancillary handicaps that defined the decade of vodka were done as well, I spotted a cocksure, toque-wearing faux hipster at Boneta ordering fancy tequilas for sipping and making sure everyone saw how cool he was. What’s this? Sipping tequila? If you are going to go to Boneta, you drink a Mr. Samuels.

End of story.

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Jackson Murphy is the editor of The Vancouverite, a blog of Vancouver news, events, and gossip established in 2005. He’s been writing about politics and pop culture since 1998, and blogging on the interwebs since 2001. He’s currently working on interactive creative projects with his day job on the salt mines inside the underbelly of the advertising world.