YELP DIARY: On Overdosing At Ensemble, Rednecks At West, And Ripped Off At Tojo’s

by Cristina Cook | Like a lot of people I know in professional kitchens, I pretend that I don’t waste a lot of time dwelling on Yelp, the “user review” site that turns idiots into lions and restaurant owners into apologetic ass-kissers. Since few – if any – of my peers ever respond to the reviews, which are usually full of shit and written by people who live in caves (with high speed internet), I thought I’d take the liberty by sharing some pages from my therapeutic Yelp Diary…

Are you kidding me? They charge for bread! | Marissa G. on Hawksworth | Unless you’re eating in a dump, good bread costs money, honey. And you’re talking about Hawksworth, not the Old Spaghetti Factory. There’s kind of a big difference. Also, welcome to your 20′s. It gets better.

After going to Tojo’s I feel a few things. Ripped off, less trustful of all people, and stupid. | Aaron G. on Tojo’s | At Tojo’s, they call that feeling “full”.

I like this Cactus location because it is the first Cactus ever, so it has that vintage look which is different from the newer locations. | Jessica Q. on the North Vancouver location of The Cactus Club | I don’t even know what to say to you, Jessica, except that you should probably walk into the next Urban Outfitters and demand that they pay you a million dollars for your insights. Oh, and watch out for that red light. CRASH. Shit, are you ok?

What was supposed to be a place to get fun “quirky” comfort food for your “inner child”, turned out to be a mangled fete that included garish pink chandeliers (the only thing you can see clearly), drinks worse than faygo, and food that I now believe was cooked by a kitchen full of floobs and idiots. | S.D.N.O. on Society | I’m not sure what faygo is, but I’m definitely calling each of my co-workers a floob tomorrow night.

Took us 5 mins to get seated, and nobody approached us for ANOTHER 5 minutes, so we put our coats on and left. Nobody noticed that either [...] What am I going to do with my groupon now? | Cristina P. on Point Zero Lounge | Did you try sticking it up your suburban ass? I mean, you took a coupon to a desperate Granville shit-show called “Point Zero” and expected something that was a step up from total disappointment. Think about that for a second, and then kindly change your first name.

Imagine celebrating a major life event at a highly touted, pricey restaurant. Now imagine EMTs parading through that restaurant to rescue a vomiting overdose from the bathroom which you are sitting near and facing. Wouldn’t you expect the management to acknowledge and respond in some way to the clientele who had to witness this scene? They did not. Hence one star. | Richard G. on Ensemble | So let me get this straight, Richard. Some poor soul nearly dies next to your precious comfort zone in the middle of your big deal dinner and no one on the staff remembered to hold your hand and comp you a fucking tiramisu? I feel for you, Dick. I really, really do. Those Ensemble jerks probably didn’t even sing Happy Birthday for you, either. Way to spread the word about your nightmare without coming off like a self-absorbed, psychopathic douche. Hence one star? Fuck you and the bridge you crossed to get here.

So I’m PISSED and my boyfriend is glued to the TV and I’m about to LOSE MY MIND. | Deanna S. on Library Square | What the hell? I’m not sure what you’re trying to say there, Deanna, but if your boyfriend took you on a date to Library Square and you didn’t lose your mind, you probably already lost it a long time ago.

We waited for 25 mins and the general manager said “It is Friday night and waiting is not unusual.” He was rude and full of himself. Did he not realize that good service is an important element to the food industry? | May C. on L’Abattoir | It’s Friday night in Gastown, sweetheart. Have you ever eaten out before? Oops. That sounded weird. Sorry! Anyway, damnant quod non intellegunt!

The fish tasted like sausage, but hardcore. | Diana C. on Boneta | I can’t tell if this is a compliment or an insult, but if a fish tastes like sausage and it isn’t hardcore, then I have no interest in eating it.

But unbeknownst to me, as I was tucking in to those delicious cheese things, my boyfriend had reached between the booth cushions and pulled out what he describes as “a warm furry thing that felt really strange”. He looks down and it’s a dead mouse. A brown furry little guy with a pink tail. In shock, he jumps and the mouse flies out of his hand and hits my leg. Me? I’m still busy eating the cheese and have no idea that any of this is going on. A few moments later I look over and he is sitting with a rolled up issue of 24 in his hand. “What’s wrong?” I ask, because he’s unusually quiet. “I have to tell you something and you have to promise not to freak out,” he says. I agree, but I’m curious and confused. He opens up the paper and shows me the mouse. I find it difficult to believe, but there the little guy is. | Chloe on Stepho’s | What do you think it is that everyone is lining up for, souvlaki? Pro chef tip: eat mice. It’s totally a Greek thing, Chloe, like roasted aubergines, only crunchier.

Thank goodness for fast-acting antihistamine. | A.E. on Glowbal | Insert cheap cologne joke here.

This place is like a “Sex and the City” type of hotspot for eligible bachelorettes [...] But do NOT bring your grandmother. You’ve been warned. | Sarah O. on Chambar | I know some of the male servers at Chambar, so this makes sense to me. That they would be hot for grandmas is not a surprise.

Hmmmnn…I think my review is too mean… so I will end it by giving their Cougar Juice a thumbs up! | Cherry B. on Rogue Kitchen & Wetbar | So there’s a girl named Cherry who wrote a mean Yelp review and then made it better by sticking her thumb up Rogue’s cougar juice. Or something like that. Yelp is weird and stuff.

There was a man dressed in black standing at the bar that looked like security. We nicknamed him Gino and were confused as to what his role was. | Kevin L. on Cioppino’s | His role was to beat the living daylights out of your ugly, stereotyping face. Buon appetito!

Not a place to take your 300 pound uncles Jed and Jimbo from Oklahoma. | John M. on West | The obvious, well stated. John should write a book of these. Think of the companion Tweet possibilities! @Bin941: totally wishing it was five years ago. @FatDragon: not a place to lock your bike. @Meat&Bread: don’t bring your vegetarian boyfriend. @Black+Blue: where you don’t get all your tips. We could go on and on…

I think people should stop judging chain restaurants. I’m telling you, for the affordable price, quality of the food, and the ambiance, Earls deserves more credit. And yes, I love Cheesecake Factory too. | Jewel Y. on Earls (Hornby) | So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Yelp in a nutshell: It’s full of boobs, but it deserves more credit.

I’m still browsing, so expect another instalment of my Yelp Diary soon (image credit).

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Cristina grew up in rural Ontario and dropped out of journalism school to show up on time and cut various foods before applying heat to them at Toronto’s George Brown College. She has been employed by the same well regarded restaurant in Vancouver since she moved here in 2006. Though Cristina Cook is not her real name, she cooks, and is very Cristina.

GOODS: Original Location Of “Wild Rice” On The Lookout For An Experienced Head Chef

Wild Rice is located at 117 West Pender in Vancouver, BC | 604-642-2882 | www.wildricevancouver.com

The GOODS from Wild Rice

Vancouver, BC | We’ve recently expanded and are looking for an experienced chef to run our flagship downtown location. The candidate will be running a tight knit, fast-paced kitchen in a rewarding environment. You will be working closely with the executive chef/owner to maximise the effectiveness and efficiency of the crew. You are expected to run a line, take care of daily operating duties (such as ordering, labour, food cost, inventory, et cetera), all while collaborating on menu ideas and food concepts. Ideally, you will have at least five years experience, have had management experience, and be knowledgeable in vegan and modern cuisine. If you think you are the right candidate, then please email Heather (heather@wildricebc.ca) with your cover letter and resume. Learn more about the restaurant after the jump… Read more

GOODS: Red Truck Releases “Ruby” English Strong Ale In Honour Of The Brewery Mascot

Red Truck Beer Co. is located at 1015 Marine Dr. in North Vancouver | 604-682-4733 | www.redtruckbeer.com

The GOODS from Red Truck Beer Company

Vancouver, BC | If you’ve met Sam Payne, you’ve probably met “Ruby da dog”, the Red Truck Beer mascot. Ruby is a rescue dog that has come a long way in her 4 years with us. “Ruby da beer” is brewer Dave Varga’s tribute to Ruby on her 4th birthday. This beer, like Ruby, is strong, unique and a ton of fun. Red Truck Limited “Ruby” (6.9% alcohol by volume) is an English Strong Ale with French oak. It has some caramel malt sweetness, and the hops are there strictly for balance. It has a distinctive oak character you typically find in wine, whiskey, bourbon, or scotch. It has a deep amber color with a vanilla bourbon aroma. It pairs well with Pate and Terrines, Grilled Shellfish, BBQ sauces, pork and duck as well as many desserts like bread pudding and apple pie. It is currently available at The Alibi Room, Habit, St Augustines, Central Bistro, Calabash Bistro, and Romers Burger Bar in Kitsilano. Details about the brewery after the jump… Read more

VANCOUVER WOULD BE COOLER IF #182: A Street Cart Made Sausages From Cupcakes

So what if we have sausage and cupcake sellers if not a one of them masquerades as the other? These delicious-looking cupcakewursts were made at home by the good folks at the Cupcake Project, but that doesn’t mean they couldn’t be achieved for Vancouver’s streets. Some enterprising sweet tooth should please get on it (especially the “hot dog” version on a halved Long John donut with raspberry sauce). That would be much appreciated.

OTHER CIVIC IMPROVEMENT SUGGESTIONS

GOODS: “Hart House” On Deer Lake Set For Al Fresco Garden Party Series This Summer

Hart House is located at 6664 Deer Lake Avenue in Burnaby | 604-298-4278 | www.harthouserestaurant.com

Job posting from Hart House

Vancouver, BC | Hart House’s annual garden parties are one of the highlights of the summer for food and wine lovers. Each evening starts with a casual wine tasting with offerings from the featured region. Guests may purchase a bottle or two from the specially-selected wine list to pair with the al fresco dinner that follows, which is served on the estate lawn overlooking placid Deer Lake. Dinner is accompanied by live music, making it a perfect way to enjoy a summer evening with friends or share a memorable night with a romantic partner. Details after the jump… Read more

GOODS: Cibo Trattoria Pairs With Slow Food For The First Of Several Special Suppers

Cibo Trattoria is located in the Moda Hotel at 900 Seymour Street in Vancouver, BC | 604-602-9570 | CiboTrattoria.ca

The GOODS from Cibo Trattoria

Vancouver, BC | We are partnering with Slow Food Vancouver at 6:30pm on June 14th for the first in a series of dinners at Cibo. The goal is to raise money to send a slow food delegate to the Terra Madre (held every year in Italy). We are featuring veal from Walter Bergen at Six Masters Farm and produce from Jeremy Pitchfork farms. Take a look at the menu after the jump… Read more

AWESOME THING WE ATE #865: Intoxicating Thai Spread At Angus An’s “Maenam” In Kits

by Andrew Morrison | In a recent feature on the award-winning Maenam on West 4th, my newspaper ran with a shot of chef/owner Angus An preparing some food. It was the right one to use, as my story was more about the chef and his restaurant’s greater value than the individual dishes he so deftly pumps out 7 nights a week. Still, who doesn’t like good food porn? From top left/clockwise: hot and sour soup with fried chillies and thai basil; freshly baked roti; Pad Thai; aromatic curry of oven roasted Maple Hill Farm chicken; Maenam’s interior; chicken satays with housemade peanut sauce and sweet cucumber relish; crispy lingcod served in a caramelized tamarind and palm sugar sauce and topped with 8 different types of fried herbs and spices; Nahm Manao cocktail. #nomnom.

MORE AWESOME THINGS WE ATE

GOODS: “Edible Canada” Reopens Take Out Counter With Tribute To Bacon This Friday

Edible Canada is located at 1595 Johnston St. in Vancouver, BC | 604.682.6681 | ediblecanada.com

The GOODS from Edible Canada

Vancouver, BC | On Friday, May 18, the start of Victoria Day long weekend, Edible Canada at the Market is reopening their busy Take Out Window for the summer. Building on last year’s incredible success at their Granville Island location, the culinary team has created a brand new menu centered on the global infatuation with bacon – with a Canadian twist. Coast to Coast – A Canadian Tribute to Bacon will highlight culinary traditions and fresh ingredients from here to Halifax with regionally inspired bacon-themed dishes. All of the new items will be available through the Take Out Window only, and additional items will be added as the season progresses. Widely recognized for their innovation and promotion of new Canadian cuisine and our country’s artisan beverages, the Coast to Coast – A Canadian Tribute to Bacon window reinforces Edible Canada’s mission to support and showcase artisan culinary producers and our vast food culture. The hours of operation will be 11am to 7pm daily. Menu after the jump… Read more

VICTORY GARDENS: On Your Dandelions & What You Could/Should Be Doing With Them

by Lisa Giroday, Sandra Lopuch and Sam Philips | Dandelion – the tasty, nutritious and beautiful weed – is currently in season.  They’re excellent when sautéed with olive oil, garlic, chili flakes, and a little sea salt. They’re also delicious in salads or as a green in sandwiches. The roots can make a tea, and the flowers are superb on their own. It’s crazy that people would ever want to fight dandelions, because every part is edible.

Taraxacum officinale is the dandelion’s botanical name (the term officinale indicating that the plant has inherent medicinal properties). They’re higher in potassium, vitamin A, iron, and calcium than broccoli, supporting digestion, reducing swelling and inflammation, and can be used to treat liver problems. They’re a little testament to that old saying about the best things in life, as no wallet is ever required. Be sure to pick some before they go to seed!

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Victory Gardens is a team of local urban farmers for hire. Lisa, Sandra and Sam help to transform tired or underused residential and commercial green spaces into food producing gardens. Their ultimate goal is simple enough: to challenge the way communities use space and to participate in the change needed to consume food more sustainably. We’ve worked with them in our own garden, and know them to be pretty awesome – always enthusiastic and excited to talk about growing, sourcing and eating local greens. For the rest of the growing season, they’ve hooked up with Scout to share some cool tips and tricks on how to get the best from of our own backyards. Find out more about their efforts here.

GOODS: Granville Island’s Dockside Brewing Co. Serving 2 Seasonal Brews For Summer

Dockside Restaurant is located at 1253 Johnston St. in Vancouver BC | 604-685-7070 | docksidebrewing.com

The GOODS from Dockside

Vancouver, BC | While the calendar still stays “Spring”, Summer is definitely in the air and Dockside Restaurant & Brewing Company is excited to announce the release of the summer seasonal brews from in our in-house brewery. Both of these beers are a perfect accompaniment to time spent on Dockside’s patio, voted “Best in Vancouver” in the 2012 Georgia Straight Golden Plate Awards.

The Haupental Hefeweizen was tapped earlier this week and is already being poured fresh daily in the restaurant and lounge. This classic, unfiltered German-style wheat beer is a great summer drink—in a traditional Hefe-style, it balances a low hoppiness with bursts of fruit and spice notes. It’s perfect for pairing with a wide variety of summer tastes like avocado, tomato and fruit salads.

This Friday, Dockside’s other seasonal, our famous Jamaica Lager, will be tapped—just in time for the Victoria Day long weekend. Contrary to what many think Jamaica Lager doesn’t have any connection a Caribbean recipe, it’s actually based on a traditional Mexican soda made with Hibiscus flowers, called “flores de Jamaica” in Mexico. Like the soda, our Jamaica Lager (pronounced hai-may-ca) is infused with Hibiscus flowers giving it a unique pink colour and subtle floral nose and flavour. While we love our IPA and Ales, nothing goes better with a hot summer day than a pint of Jamaica Lager. Details after the jump… Read more

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