by Sean Orr | Facing death, tuber stared at Jesus – literally. Not only does your use of the word tuber remind me of a root vegetable, you’ve also misused the word literally. He did not literally stare at Jesus. He stared at a shitty tattoo of him. Big difference.

Editorial: Teen heroism like this is welcome any time. “Stanley-Cup-style riots in Britain, the political slugfest in the United States and global stock-market gyrations remind us of just how heated some folks are getting this summer — and not just because of the weather”. So wait, all of these things remind us that it’s not the weather that is the cause of all these things happening, because all these things are, in fact, happening? That’s the most convoluted opening paragraph ever.

Speaking of the, ahem, “Stanley-Cup-style riots in Britain”, the all-but-obsolete National Post fails, predictably, to recognize the glaringly obvious class-fueled impetus and blames it on organized anarchists. I offer you this take on things:

These rebellions that have struck London during the early days of August could occur anywhere in the industrialized capitalist states. The rising unemployment and impoverishment of oppressed and working class people provides fuel for social unrest.

UBC finally ditches that “bookish” look. My mom sent this to me saying that it’s something I would write. I disagree. This is way better then anything I’ve ever done. For example:

How many drugs do they think London Drugs or Shoppers Drug Mart sell? When the Vancouver rioters made off with London Drugs merchandise, precious little of it was the Ritalin they so desperately needed.

Vancouver gets a new faux summertime beach. So does that make Kits the old faux summertime beach? I mean, I hear they do collagen counts instead of coliform counts. But I wouldn’t know. I’ve never actually been there.

The Charlesworth takes on Aerosmith and gets dumped on by their spectacularly stupid fans.