by Sean Orr | Well, it’s not a lump of Christy’s coal, but it’s my Christmas gift to you: Full text of Peter Mansbridge’s interview with Stephen Harper. At least he didn’t ask for a spanking this year. Let’s try and deconstruct some of this, shall we?

“Well, look…I believe that change is coming to Cuba.” So all you lefties who think this is going to benefit the Cuban Revolution in any way, make no mistake, we are going to completely undermine their regime until they submit to our ideology.

“It’s either divining my mind or the comments of some anonymous so-called strategists somewhere whose existence I don’t know of so I have no idea…” People, stop divining Harper’s mind!

“I think term limits are up to the voter…” Oh, so when 75% of the population doesn’t vote for you next year, you’ll step down?

“I think we’ve got the country on the right track…” Is that why no Conservative finance minister since Sir Samuel Tilley in 1885 has said ‘I left a smaller debt than I inherited’? Is that why Wealth inequality is much worse than Canadians think it is and a far cry from what they think it should be?

“Well look, what I tell people, and this is just a fact, Canada’s obviously…to begin with…probably the most, maybe the most energy secure country in the world…” Energy secure and energy superpower are two different things.

“Everywhere I go, elsewhere in the world, people want Canadian energy, people want Canadian oil…” Not everybody…

“What is crazy would be for us to impose costs only on our industry in a way that would not reduce emissions, but simply shift jobs and development to other parts of North America…” Well, according to Press Progress:

“Harper has said that Canada would only take action to reduce our emissions if America took action first”. And “now that the United States has pledged to reduce greenhouse gases, Harper’s new line appears to be that he wants a ‘continental response’ — “not just with the United States.” He’d like to see action from ‘Mexico, as well’. Looks like no one told Harper that Mexico introduced a carbon tax earlier this year”.

“So look, that’s what Alberta has done, that’s a model that’s available…” Again, from Press Progress: “This is surprising news given Harper has run an ongoing ‘smear campaign’ against the NDP for the last two years, branding the Opposition’s cap-and-trade policy a ‘job killing carbon tax'”.

“I think it’s a significant threat. Geez, where does it rank in terms of our economic challenges, in terms of the Jihadism that we now face globally? It’s still a big threat”. Geez, did I really say that? Wow, I must have needed to get re-elected or something. And, well, since the entire economy that I put all of my faith into showed signs of weakness for the first time ever, I guess, can I change my answer?

“Anybody can go around talking about [emissions] targets”. Um, not anybody. Just the Government of Canada.

“Ours have been going down…” Nope.

“The risk you have is that all you do is shift the emissions to some other place that isn’t having the same regulations.” Huh? Is he suggesting there is some kind of black market for energy trading?

“What we’re very, very clear on is we don’t want anything that’s interpreted as a war on the government of Syria.” But the people of Syria? Hell yeah, drone strikes for all!

“Syria is a little trickier and this government has, you know, regardless of what differences, as you know, we have condemned with everyone else the Assad government but we have no desire to enter in a war with any government in that country and so that makes this situation a bit tricky…” Uh, well…since the group we armed to take on Assad sort of went rogue on us, which nobody could have possibly predicted, we probably shouldn’t piss him off any further.

“We’re not – we’re not at risk from ISIL because we’re fighting them. We’re fighting them because we are at risk from them…” That is actually a brilliant answer. Completely  untrue, but brilliant (they hate our freedoms).

“You know, all those poor, innocent…ah….ethnic and religious minorities who are getting slaughtered, they weren’t doing anything to ISIL”. Kind of like how most Palestinians aren’t doing anything to Israel?

“You know, I think I mentioned to you, I’ve been trained in incidences like that. Obviously you get keyed up. But um…“. So you did some blow, took of your shirt, and started punching yourself in the face screaming ‘bring it on motherfuckers’?

“Well look, I don’t – I don’t actually think that represents the perception of the vast majority of Canadian veterans…” I don’t think that perception is actually the perception that is being perceived.

“We’ll continue to have some people who will not be happy because it’s a diverse population, people are entitled to their views…” Um, one word: haters!

“Um (an inquiry into missing women) it isn’t really high on our radar, to be honest, Peter…” Not a good time to be honest, Stephen. Especially since 73% of Canadians want an inquiry. Tell 16 year old Rinelle Harper, the student who was brutally attacked last month and left for dead near the Assiniboine River, to her face that an inquiry is not a priority.

“They’re studying it. But we have an awful lot of studies…” Some backbencher, I don’t know who, someone is doing something about something.

“We’re able to put investments into important things like we’ve done recently for continued growth, federal infrastructure and into innovation and research…” We won’t let you hear the results of this research unless it benefits us in some way, but rest assured, there is researching going on.

“The criminal justice area, we’ve talked about that. We have crime rates falling…” The crime rate has been in general decline since 1991.

“We’ve put emphasis on a different kind of criminal justice that protects victims…” Don’t you mean criminalize victims? As is the case with Bill 36?

“And finally…um…you know, we’ve taken a different approach. Actually I think a more traditional Canadian approach to foreign affairs…” Not the tradition of peace-keeping stretching back to 1957, but way back before that. Like in 1812 when nobody had any idea what was going on.

“That’s something the Canadian public has supported…” Uh, nope again.

“But Canada’s voice is heard and understood…” Well, heard and understood by at least 15 countries. Benin, Andorra, Trinidad and Tobago, Macao, and Dagestan are all fully listening.

“I don’t want to say if you’re not a Conservative you’re not really Canadian. I don’t think that would be fair…” I mean, it’s totally true, but I shouldn’t say it. Also, if you don’t go to Tim Hortons at least once a week your passport will be revoked.

“There’s all kinds of things that I think people of many political shades can feel very proud of about this country which is one of the reasons why during the past decade we have seen such a precipitous fall in the unity threats that used to exist in this country, particularly in Quebec…” Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you hear that last bit, Quebec? Harper thinks his right wing ideology has single-handedly solved the unity question! He just snuck it in at the end. Boom! No more more sovereignty! Je me ne souviens pas!

“I want to wish you the same Peter, to all your team here as well at CBC and of course all of your viewers, a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Thank you.” Oh, what a last gasp attempt to rally his Christian conservative base! No but seriously, Merry Christmas, Mr. Harper. But not too merry, you know. We don’t want another teen passed out on your front lawn.