Congratulations to “K” who has won a handy HD flip camera for his delightful (if a little gross) story about accidentally peeing all over himself while stuck in wintry Fraser Valley traffic. A few weeks ago we asked our readers to submit stories detailing moments in their lives when they could have used some serious freshening up (this was an AXE promotion after all), and “K” nailed it, especially the part (spoiler alert) when he convinces a helpful lady to push his urine-soaked car out of the snow. I know it’s far from Moliere, but a fun tale nonetheless. Read it after the jump…

by reader “K” | Last December I was driving back to Vancouver from Nelson, BC. Up until the Fraser Valley, the drive had been perfect : little traffic, dry roads, good music. Then the snow came, or had already came and was continuing to fall. Heavily. This was the first absurd snow fall in a winter that had more snow that I can ever remember in Vancouver. But, I grew up in Nelson. I can handle the conditions. No problem. So, from Hope it was slow moving. Lots of cars in ditches. Gripping the steering wheel a little more tightly. But, I was fine. A little tense, but fine.

Just before the onramp to the Port Man Bridge, and it’s deadlocked. Moving very, very slowly, if at all. I’m in the far left hand lane, and I start to feel my bladder squeal. I figure that I can hold it for a while. A while passes. The car isn’t more than a couple hundred meters further down the road and there is a zero percent chance that I will be able to, somehow, slide through three lanes of traffic (that aren’t moving) and get to the next exit and find a bathroom before I explode. I have to do with what I have.

Thank God it’s dark out. An empty water bottle is on the floor beside me. I pull down my pants. With the risk of this sounding like a thinly veiled brag, the hole is just too small. I will piss everywhere if I try to aim into that. Luckily, I hadn’t thrown out the garbage from the McDonalds breakfast I got in Castlegar, along with an orange juice. So, with my pants at my ankles and a cup at my crotch, I finally let go. The glorious feeling lasts not more than a second when I realize that the cup is filling up WAY to fast. I freeze. Who knew this much piss comes out of one bladder? Within a couple of seconds I’m sitting in a puddle of piss with my pants at my ankles, holding an overflowing cup of piss, stuck in gridlocked traffic between Surrey and Port Coquitlam. In retrospect, there were probably better options than just letting myself urinate all over my legs and seat. But, in those precious seconds, I couldn’t think of any. I open my window and throw the piss out, cup and all. I reach behind me, grab a sweatshirt, and put it under my ass, hoping to mop up at least some of the urine. It does a mediocre job, at best. So, with my pants at my ankles and the sour smell of pee filling the cold air, I make my way back to Vancouver. As I said, thank God it was dark out.

This story is not over. As I mentioned earlier, the snow had been piling on non-stop. I finally make it back to Vancouver. To park in front of my house, From the direction I was coming, I have to take a left onto a residential street, then around the block, then back again in front of my house. All of this is on non-busy side streets. Of course, the snow plows hadn’t begun plowing yet and even if they had, they wouldn’t have hit the non-major roads. So, I get stuck, in the middle of an intersection. I’m an idiot. I pull up my piss wet pants, get out, and try and push myself out. No luck. A couple minutes later, another car comes up. A small, Asian lady gets out. In her limited English, she says that she will drive my car and I should push. This makes perfect sense: I’m probably more than twice her size. What she doesn’t know, and what I don’t really know how to explain to her, is that i’ve recently wet myself all over the front seat and she really doesn’t want to sit there. So, somehow, I argue with her that I should drive and she should push. Flabbergasted, she finally agrees. Eventually, it works.