Tea & Two Slices is a long-running local news round-up by NEEDS frontman and veteran dishwasher Sean Orr, who lives and works in Gastown, deeply aware of his privilege.

Brace yourselves! The season finale of 2020 is shaping up to be a doozy. Our Covid cases are exploding and there are no new orders from our scoffing liberal elites. And then there’s the pending civil war to the south as President Trump is crying fraud and calling on his fiercest defenders to fight back against the ‘radical left’ (lol). Todd “concussions are real” Bertuzzi, who famously almost murdered a guy on the ice, has inexplicably threatened to move back to Vancouver if Trump loses in a classic “white power forward” move. A rare strain of Swine Flu was reported in Alberta. Cool, cool, cool. Scientists brought 42,000 year old worms back to life because why not? Oh, and crayfish are cloning themselves for world domination and Denmark is culling 17 million mink amid coronavirus fears. Just for fun, the writers have decided to bring back Murder Hornets.

Here in Vancouver, the last night of legal fireworks saw half a million dollars in damages. Talk about going out with a bang: Halloween in Vancouver: Mass gatherings, violence, and fires, as COVID-19 cases expected to surge. “The VPD also stated that an 88-year-old woman who was asleep in her West End apartment on the fifth floor on October 29 when something broke through her window and hit her head.” What the actual fuck, Vancouver?

I know this sounds rich coming from me, but shaming doesn’t work. Laws do. Why are we so insistent on thinking that strong suggestions will have an effect on a bored and narcissistic populace? Indoor mask mandate. Increase fines. Make them dig graves. General strike. Whatever it takes.

Like, why the fuck are we allowing indoor dance classes? COVID-19 ‘superspreader’ event at Chilliwack dance academy now up to 36 cases. Give your collective heads a shake.

Also in Chilliwack: Children’s soccer club hires security firm after parents rage against COVID-19 rules. ‘I don’t want to give my phone number away to just anyone” says the people who give their number to Amazon, DoorDash, Netflix, Apple, Uber, Gmail, Instagram, the CRA, the bank…

The suburbs are killing us. More than half the covid 19 cases are in Fraser Health, despite only having 39% of the population: Rapid rise of COVID-19 cases in Fraser Health could spill into other health regions.

Vancouver mayor ‘gobsmacked’ as city receives $44 million less in COVID-19 bailout funding than requested. Oh, boo frickin hoo, Kennedy. You had a chance to triple the empty homes tax or create a mansion tax and you blew it.

But we can afford this? Vancouver city council to discuss bid for 2030 Olympics. That’s a ‘no’ from me, dog. Update: the motion passed.

Masks now required in all Kelowna public buildings. How fucking embarrassing is it that Kelownafornia is ahead of Vancouver on this?

Also in Kelowna: COVID-19 hoax graffiti sprayed on 2 sides of Kelowna city hall. That’s a weird way to tell everyone that the bulk of your education came from Youtube.

I mean, these aren’t the smartest people in the room: Arm Yourselves and Prepare; China Massing “Tens-of-Thousands” of Troops in Prince Rupert and Vancouver Canada. Invade USA? Conservatives threatening us with a good time again.

B.C. COVID-19 conspiracy theorist and yoga studio owner charged with breaking quarantine law. Just throw this clown off the edge of the flat earth already.

This story is absolutely bonkers: These ‘citizens’ from Steve Bannon and a Chinese billionaire’s ‘federal state’ have been protesting in a Metro Vancouver cul-de-sac for nearly 50 days. What do they want?. “I don’t have direct evidence to prove it to you. Our belief is he’s a very sneaky guy…” That’s kind of a flimsy reason to totally ruin a guy’s life, but ok…

‘Disturbing’ sign about dog poop threatens neglectful owners in Kitsilano. Now that’s some elite level shitposting!

I wish this surprised me: People called 911 to ask how 4-way stops work during Vancouver power outage. Wait, you don’t just follow the guy in front of you?

City of Vancouver advancing first segment of 1 km-long, in-road stream on St. George Street. In a city full of selfish entitled wankers, what could possibly go wrong?

Nationalise Air Canada? Union floats idea of returning to government ownership. And BC Ferries. And ICBC. And Telus. And Teresen. And any of the countless others that were stolen from the people.

Why Canada Doesn’t Have The Same Partisan Supreme Court Fights As The U.S.. Is it because they are forced to dress like Santa Claus?

Honour Bound: Indigenous artists and knowledge keepers share untold stories of Vancouver’s Eastside with In the Beginning.

Bonus: Whale tail sculpture stops Rotterdam metro train from crashing into water. See? Art saves lives.