Welcome to Vaincouver (aka City of Glass, Hedge City, Banana Smoothie Republic)! Vancouver: A soulless city of heartless lords and hapless serfs. I think the term “serf” is a bit generous here. After all, our medieval cousins had way more vacation time.

So what does the lord of this vassalage – our Mayor – do? He rolls out the red carpet for a retail-job-killing, land-value-driving, game-changing megacorp monopoly to our city! Vancouver mayor would welcome Amazon’s $5-billion headquarters. Sigh.

Because this is what their techno-utopia looks like: Two Ex-Googlers Want To Make Bodegas And Mom-And-Pop Corner Stores Obsolete. “Real bodegas are all about human relationships within a community, having someone you know greet you and make the sandwich you like.” Ew. I don’t want to have to interact with another human! I want to live in a Black Mirror type of universe!

Some might bristle at the idea of a Silicon Valley executive appropriating the term “bodega” for a project that could well put lots of immigrants out of work. (One of my coworkers even referred to it as “Bro-dega” to illustrate the disconnect.)”

On the bright side, they look pretty easy to smash…

Our transformation into an insufferably sterile Silicon Valley outpost is almost complete. There’s only one more thing left to do… boom! There it is. Done! A ban on balloons in parks is being floated by the Vancouver Park Board. Looks like it’s time to start organising Balloon Fest 2017! (Shout out to Joel Short for that one.)

Now that this transformation is nearing completion, we can begin dismantling infrastructure for our city’s most vulnerable under the guise of “safety”: TransLink stops service to Downtown Eastside bus stop over safety concerns. So wait, a bus that is slowing to a stop is more dangerous than a bus that is cruising past in that very same lane? That doesn’t even make sense!

Is the fentanyl situation an overdose crisis or a poisoning crisis? I really like articles like this because it makes it easy for me to quickly come up with a smart opinion. For example, “I think the fentanyl situation is more of a poisoning crisis and we should stop calling it an overdose crisis.” There you go. What’s next?

This is for all the lame people who say “I love you Vancouver but I’m leaving” as though it was a fucking airport and you’re announcing a departure: Why I’m leaving Derry, Maine.

What, really, do I have to show for my time here? A string of dead-end jobs, a few sticks of secondhand furniture, and a shockingly blasé attitude toward child abduction. My soul, like my apartment and my bank account, is mostly empty.

No, but seriously…my soul is empty. I hate it here I’m extremely honoured to live here… Millennials Are Way Poorer Than Boomers Ever Were. On the way back from Nanaimo on the #257 I actually told a boomer to “shut his mouth”. He was pontificating loudly to a poor German tourist about how the refugees are ruining everything and “get more than pensioners“. “Your generation had everything and left us nothing!” I told him. Of course, he ignored me and went on to complain about how “the weatherman never gets it right”.

NIMBY of the day: ‘Insane development mania’ must stop. TL;DR: “Won’t someone protect our idyllic little enclave of monied wankers?”

Schadenfreude of the day: ‘Hell freezes over’: National Post staff announce union drive at Postmedia’s flagship paper.

Tone deaf whitey of the day: The Toronto Star Thinks You Should Pair The Horrors Of Slavery With An Understated Rosé. Seriously, are you kidding me?

Sports of the day: Dear Vancouver: Daniel and Henrik Sedin write an open letter to Vancouver in The Player’s Tribune.

Bonus: James Perfectly Responds To Caller Who Cites “Political Correctness” During Debate.