It’s going to be an exceptionally long, exciting, and occasionally tedious couple of weeks in front of the telly, so we’ve put together a little drinking game to help you endure. Enjoy, and play responsibly (rules after the jump).
Any time an anti-Olympic activist makes himself/herself look like an incoherent babbler when interviewed on television, drink!
Any telling of a joke likening the erection of the four First Nations totems to slowly aroused penises during the opening ceremonies, drink!
Any excessive use of force by members of the RCMP, drink!
Any expression of concern about Canada’s low medal haul in the first week, drink!
If the sex of any female athlete is challenged, drink!
Any mention of the Czech team’s uniforms, drink!
Any mention of long line-ups and price gouging by local restaurants and clubs, drink!
If you understand and can explain the biathalon, drink!
Any press mention of bewildered locals expressing surprise and disappointment about noise emanating from the Irish house, drink!
Any on-air admission from a commentator that the “I Believe” song makes him/her want to projectile vomit into the camera, drink!
Any gratuitous interview with a super cute crying child complaining that anti-Olympic protesters ruined her day, drink!
Any mention of the unseasonably mild weather and poor mountain conditions, drink!
If an Olympic snowboarder gets busted for weed, drink!
Any memorable quote from a hog-tied anarchist that is better than “Don’t tase me, bro!”, drink!
Any teary harkening to the Summit Series of hockey by someone who wasn’t born before 1972, drink!
If you thought the rendition of our national anthem sung at the opening ceremonies was an off-tempo, saccharine disaster, drink!
Any time the Canadian hockey team scores, drink twice!
Suspicious package + evacuation + false alarm = drink!
Any on-air admission from a CTV broadcaster that the replaying of Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili’s crash impact and death was wicked retarded and in very poor taste, drink!
Any suggestion that the major NATO offensive currently underway in Afghanistan was purposely (cynically) timed to coincide with the opening ceremonies so none of us would give a shit, drink!
Anyone who agrees with us that the sole athlete representing Mongolia in the opening ceremonies was drop dead gorgeous, drink!
Any “introducing Vancouver” feature in a foreign publication that mentions Vij’s, Tojo’s, C, and Salt Tasting Room as representative restaurants, drink!
Any “in depth” telecast sidebar on the downtown eastside that describes it as “the poorest neighbourhood in North America”, drink!
Any commercial featuring Morgan Freeman’s dulcet tones, drink!
Any mention of climate change as a possible explanation for the warm weather, drink!
If you thought the Olympic Hymn sung operatically at the opening ceremonies sounded like a lynx being beaten with a tire iron, drink!
Any expression of thanks that Celine Dion has not yet appeared, drink!