TEA & TWO SLICES: On Rent-A-Cops, Erotic Films, And No New Juice For Old Politicians

by Sean Orr | Burnaby-Douglas MP proposes national housing strategy. Remember, folks, before Woodwards left, before the introduction of crack cocaine, the Feds stopped the Canada Assistance Plan.

Rat Goofs: Citizen’s arrest bill gives more power to rent-a-cops, police warn. I love that the pejorative “rent-a-cop” is now acceptable for use in a headline. Can’t wait for an article about fuckin’ narcs. Six-up!

Because they aren’t exactly liberals: Change of name proposed for B.C. Liberals. How about the Wild Orca Party? It reflects our natural beauty and casually references the erotic film Wild Orchid, starring Mickey Rourke.

Granola-cons: Evangelicals lean to right, but some are ‘crunchy conservatives’. Apparently, the crunchy conservatives “include those traditional Christians who oppose abortion and euthanasia and believe Jesus is the son of God, but also reject consumer culture, big-box stores and suburban sprawl, and eat organic food.” Ah, but why do you need a name for a slightly less hypocritical form of Christianity?

It created Vancouver, then it’s removal helped to create the DTES: Vancouver’s streetcar retired 57 years ago today (yesterday).

Hmm. It turns out our sawmills aren’t equipped to process dead trees: Wood dust suspected in B.C. sawmill blasts.

Sum Dynasty: Terracotta army to hit Vancouver’s streets. From the cheap appropriation of nature to the cheap appropriation of other cultures…

War on culture: Dr. Seuss’s ‘Yertle the Turtle’ deemed too political for B.C. classroom.

“I know up on top you are seeing great sights, but down here on the bottom, we too should have rights” – comes from Yertle the Turtle, the tale of a turtle who climbs on the backs of other turtles to get a better view.

So I guess Anarcho-syndicalism in the 20th Century is right out then?

News for Youse: “Just ask any multi-dimensional entity that feasts on human suffering, or, alternately, just ask Bev Oda, whose epicurean palate and taste for the good life has landed the International Development Minister in hot water more than once.” See Bev Oda shouldn’t have an option when it comes to orange juice for background.

Bonus: Could Vancouver’s next hot restaurant neighbourhood be in the suburbs?

TEA & TWO SLICES: On The Existentialism Of Ecology And Corporate Media Editorials

by Sean Orr | Hmm, slow news day? How about we run another Time to Clean up the DTES editorial! It’s a tradition that goes back to when booze (not crack/meth/oxy/dilly/methadone) was the great social ill. As early as 1955, local editorials have been sensationalizing Skid Row/DTES, as this article entitled “The Dope Craze that’s Terrorizing Vancouver” makes clear. And even before booze, it was “too Chinese” (see the introduction of Canada’s first drug law and the 1907 anti-asiatic race riots).

Frontier Politics: Raising kids amid the hookers, junkies and drunks of Vancouver’s worst neighbourhood.

We purchased a unit pre-construction, gambling that the neighbourhood would improve significantly by the time our building was completed. It didn’t.

The funny thing with gambling is…

The Downtown Eastside may be home to my city’s least fortunate, but it is also, in many cases, home to my city’s least sanitary, least responsible, and least polite

And yet they saw that you had children and his their drugs? That sounds pretty damn polite to me. Anyways, the whole piece is just baiting for a reaction, but just comes off as more of the First World Problems same. In any event, I’d sooner read an editorial about a family of drug addicts that moves into Shaugnessy.

Or I’d rather read an article about the new Vancouver Healing Lodge. It’s probably not going to happen, though, as our 3 major dailies sold their front pages to Hyundai.

The Rubber Stamp: Sequel 138 Approved at Old Pantages Theatre Site in the DTES. “The City came to the decision after a 6 hour meeting with over 60 disgruntled Downtown Eastside residents. Naturally they didn’t want any new neighbours. They never do”. Those 60 people or all of the DTES? Because I’m pretty sure buddy above with the kids is stoked.

And yet for all the pseudo-pragmatic, tough-guy populism in the corporate media, Jeff Lee pens a discussion about real solutions, eschewing rhetoric: Vancouver must make it cheaper for developers to build housing. It’s the same solution we’ve been citing for decades. We can make something like an endowment fund, or even something akin to carbon credits — a commons.

Inculcation vs. Education: Disgusting: David Suzuki and NFB indoctrinating school kids. Of course, when it’s the church indocrinating children it’s ok: Catholic students asked to support laws that criminalize abortion. Maybe we could combine schools and teach them about the abortion of Kyoto.

Existential Council: Park Board motion aims to protect Vancouver beaches from oil spill threat. Isn’t this sort of like drafting a bill to say we are against earthquakes? I mean, I’m totally against both earthquakes and pipelines, but doesn’t this sort of seem oddly specific? Clearly we have no say in the matter. Why not impose a levy on tanker traffic that would go into an emergency clean-up fund or something? I don’t know, I’m just thinking aloud here…

This person says it way better: Open Letter Urging Premier Clark to Act for BC.

TEA & TWO SLICES: On Pseudo-Hardline Pragmatism And Our Beaches Covered In Oil

by Sean Orr | Human Storage: Non-profit to house women in shipping containers in Downtown Eastside. Oh relax. It’s not as bad as it sounds. Actually, it’s way better than it sounds.

As bad it sounds: Withhold teachers’ pay until report cards are written. What kind of childish, petty, pseudo-hardline pragmatist nonsense is this?

Worth reading: Worth Saving: Changing the Economics of Rental Housing. Wherein policy bro totes agrees with my idea of a rental land reserve.

Meanwhile, let’s build a 28-hectare destination shopping centre in the suburbs! Richmond to be transformed by wave of developments, says mayor. It’s close to transit and gambling. Everybody wins.

Zombie condo: A look at the revived luxury condo project on West Georgia. It’s alive! Twisting and writhing from the ashes of the so-called debt crisis! Laughing at it. Spitting on it.

The Sun sucks at math:

It’s not entirely fair, then, to posit the image of oil-soaked beaches around Stanley Park as a consequence of the pipeline expansion, when we already tolerate that risk with existing shipments.

No, but certainly doubling or tripling the amount of tankers would double or triple the risk, right? I mean, the risk of sun cancer is already there, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to spend three times as much time at the beach, especially if said beach is covered in oil.

I guess this is something: Marc Emery’s U.S. prosecutor urges pot legalization. Weird. Every time I see the name Marc Emery I immediately begin to lose interest.

Job within a job: RCMP to train 100 B.C. officers to investigate sex harassment within force. So what if out of those 100 officers there’s a sexual harassment complaint and they have to hire a different team of investigators? Would it become an inwards turning Fibonacci-like vortex that eventually collapses in on itself, or is that just wishful thinking?

News1130: A show of Canucks support that lasts forever. Wow. News.

The Tyee: Fake Bieber in Canada accused of forcing NJ girl, 12, to perform sex acts. First come the Fake Biebers, then the legions of cloned Kardashians; reeking of raw cookie dough perfume, clenching LV bags yapping into smart phones while ordering their lattes, dripping fake tanner on your tablecloth as they order another Grey Goose and soda. Oh wait! That already happened. It’s called Yaletown.

TEA & TWO SLICES: On Hockey Metaphors In Politics And Taking Over Council Meetings

by Sean Orr | How much does freedom cost? The cost of the new jets is the price of freedom. Oh sweet! Thanks, but what is the cost of lying about the cost? And is there interest on that?

Downtown Eastside residents sound the displacement alarm. Man, is that what that fucking noise is? Does it have to be so high-pitched?

Protesters disrupt council meeting over Downtown Eastside gentrification concerns. it seems they realized that writing “gentrifuckation” in front of fancy restaurants in Gastown was a little misplaced. No, but seriously, anything short of taking over council meetings is “whining on the internet”. Good for them.

Change of ideas: Chinese investors shutter Vancouver neighbourhood while apologists cry ‘racism’. Oh noes, what’s wrong with me? First I wasn’t entirely against Rize, now I’m agreeing with Marc Hasiuk. We need to be able to identify large portions of the population in order to better plan for housing without it being racist. We need to be able to use these abandoned McMansions as an index fossil for the extinction of speculative real estate or we’ll be living in our own debris.

Or at the very least, taxpayers end up spending millions to mow lawns of foreclosed homes.

Speaking of housing our cities: Bricks and Mortar vs. Rent Subsidy. Future directions for affordable housing (since so many of you are so interested in promoting it over that big ugly condo).

Staying on the topic of Rize, they seem to making some commotion down in Vancouver’s better half: Developer opts for marketing over sustainability. Wait, Surrey has a green energy grid?

Oh shit, by the way I forgot to tell you about Rize. Everything is now moot.

Our friends at the Dependent aren’t as willing to indulge in the hockey metaphor as T&TS: “And the hockey-politics analogies continue. The latest offender: Bill Tieleman over at The Tyee, pondering Which Team Changes Managers First, Canucks or Libs“.

No Bus for You: Funding gap forces TransLink to suspend expansion plan. Big deal, the same fools that don’t want to pay for new roads via vehicle levy don’t get buses in their shitty towns.

TEA & TWO SLICES: On The Three Bears, Romanticizing A Riot, And Transit As Hockey

by Sean Orr | Flogging a dead horse to death: Vancouver’s ‘big, bad, ugly night’. I think our serial obsession with last year’s riot is partly on account of a) how slowly it unfolded b) how sort of half-assed it was c) how the cops did everything right but still got blamed, and d) how young everyone was (and if there was no particular impetus, the cameras watching the rioters every move get the blame, too in a sort of self-propelled fait accompli). We all want to put the blame on everyone but ourselves, because we don’t like to think that our city still makes the young feel bored and alienated.

I was there, had a visit, took some shots, un-flipped a few smart cars, got threatened by the mob and then the cops, then walked quietly home to images of two rioters kissing in the middle of the street (a romantic ending to an imaginary narrative). “Cool riot, bro!” was the prevailing meme. A riot for its own sake. A riot because they hadn’t had a turn yet; self-entitlement run amok.

When you include Vancouver’s historically puritanical attitude towards alcohol, you can see why we’re so often compared to Tennyson’s Lotos Eaters. We’ve abandoned our children to the outskirts. Our city is full of one-bedroom condos. A lifestyle marketed to us by Bob “Everything is going to be alright [sic]” Rennie, which vanishes as soon as the shiny, happy couples in the ads eventually procreate (on granite countertops) .

Anyway, so the next day I wrote on the hoardings, “What are the politics of boredom?” I’d wanted to quote the Situationist International: “A warning to those who build ruins: after the town planners will come the last troglodytes of the slums and the ghettos. They will know how to build. The privileged ones from the dormitory towns will only know how to destroy.”

Kinder surprise: Mayors oppose pipeline expansion. Aww, that’s cute. It’s like they totally forgot about TILMA.

Guilty by association: B.C. Liberal apologizes following bizarre blast at NDP leader. “It really makes me wonder about the leader of the opposition stealing from the public, fraud. I wonder how he proposed to his wife. Is he like his good friend Svend Robinson?” I don’t know, Harry Bloy. Are you a drunk driver like your friend Gordon Campbell?

Surrey is better than Vancouver, pt. 37: The Goldilocks Campus. You know, like oatmeal. Not too hot and not too cold. But instead of oatmeal, it’s architecture.

You mean they’re golfing? TransLink has the air of a hockey team that didn’t make the playoffs these days. I’ll indulge in the crude analogy further…By choosing flash over substance (Skytrain vs. Light Rail), throwing money at big projects (Golden Ears Bridge, Port Mann, Sea to Sky) and neglecting meat and potato players (buses, pedestrians, cycling) they’ve created a team of prima donnas, and now they’re all unrestricted free agents. And even though attendance is up, they’re going to have to raise ticket prices to pay for it all. And if that fails, blame the media.

Derailed: Hotel ousts Rocky Mountaineer replacement workers. Thanks to some grade-A, insider espionage that I’m not allowed to talk about. #industry

This looks like it could be a good post if it wasn’t some weird blurry jpeg: BC’s top political influencers. It’s time to get WordPress or something, bro.

Because we can’t/won’t: London, England shines spotlight on Vancouver’s Stan Douglas. Thanks again London, England.

TEA & TWO SLICES: On Not Trusting The Church And Surrey Is Cooler Than Vancouver

by Sean Orr | The creeping veil of Americanism: Tories may have broken 2011 election rules with US Republican campaigners in Ontario. Wherein parliament will get slightly louder for one question period. Seriously, how does all this stuff just bounce off of them? Or maybe they absorb each scandal and grow bigger like some twisted political Katamari Damacy.

Is it any wonder that opposition to the Tories then resembles that whole Not Our President thing? Not Our Budget.

We want to appear big and tough, we just don’t want pay for it: Border cuts at odds with tough-on-crime agenda, union says. And/or we’ll just lie about the costs.

The only game in town: Vancouver’s real estate moguls share trade secrets. Remember, it’s all about gambling. Vancouver wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for one massive gamble.

What do we want? Affordable housing! Where do we want it? Somewhere else! Vancouver church housing proposal perturbs residents. Hilarious understatement of the day: “’Unfortunately, we don’t trust the church,’ said neighbour MaryAnn Murray”. Oh man, yeah…after the crusades and all the rapes and free meals and shit, me neither.

From our friends at The Dependent:

The Vancouver School Board has pulled the plug on a series of anti-vandalism devices installed at 17 schools in the district on the grounds that they pose a public health risk. The devices, known as “Mosquitoes”, emit an irritating, high-frequency pulse, and were designed to keep teens from congregating after hours. The best part? The frequency can only be heard by people under the age of 25. Next suggested deployment: the 99 B-Line, downtown 7-Elevens, and Miley Cyrus concerts.

It’s interesting to note that the idea can be reversed so that children can start communicating using only this frequency and then we’ll really be in trouble. It would be like Children of the Corn, only they would be Children of the High Frequency Thingy. Or, at the very least, they could just have their own secret ringtones.

Surrey is becoming cooler than Vancouver, Example No. 12: City of Surrey Call for Proposals: Surrey Urban Screen. Surrey is already cooler than Vancouver, Example No. 1: Canucks party slated for North Surrey. Seriously Vancouver, now is your time. I’ve heard you whine for decades about the suburban hordes invading our precious glass city. Let’s see what happens when all of Vancouver shows up to their party.

Public supports keeping A-Maze-ing Laughter in Vancouver. Not exactly sure why, but yes: more public art always. Also more parks, please and thank you.

The Poetry of History: Effigy, BC – Trailer.

TEA & TWO SLICES: On Vancouver As Date Rape And Hijacking The Canuck Bandwagon

by Sean Orr | Look at me. Don’t look at me! CNN profiles Vancouver in two-part video series. It’s like the film makers read too many press releases from Rennie Marketing Systems. “Sailing to me is an indication of quality of living” says Sam ‘I will tear out my adversaries throat with my teeth’ Sullivan, and according to some twit standing on a bridge that costs 25 bucks to walk over, ”part of the appeal of this city is it’s geographical location”. So, what you’re telling us is that if Vancouver was actually in Montgomery, Alabama, it wouldn’t be the same city? Cool. But wait, change the music: “Yet while this is the city that seems to have it all, there is a downside to being so desirable”. It’s like my man Puff always used to say, the more money you got the more problems you got. (for the intrepid Scout reader, part 2 of the video series is actually pretty good).

Don’t drink the water: “Don’t Move to Vancouver”: Why I Changed My Mind After 6 Months. “So long! Adieu! It’s been nice, but now I feel like a young naïve girl who’s been tricked into having sex with a pretty but vapid jock”. Vancouver as date rape? There’s a new one.

Tear the whole thing up: Making Space for People on Robson Street. Aw, but then that douchey Ferrari salesman can’t park his stupid cars for everyone to gawk at. What I mean is, what if you make space for them, and they stopped coming?

Yeah but/why but: Canada one of worst places to invest in 2012: report. Is it because of our increasing poverty, our neo-conservative government, our great reneg on climate change, our sudden unconditional support for Israel, our wage gap being at its highest? Oh right, never mind. The economy completely ignores the social index. So, why then? “The heavily weighted energy and materials components of the TSX composite index exerted a considerable drag on the overall index performance”. Yeah, but why? “Of 10 TSX sub-indexes, energy stocks came in ninth with a loss of 5.42 per cent year-to-date and materials in tenth spot, off 5.58 per cent.” Ok, that’s great. But why? “China”. Oh, I see. Thanks.

No but srsly, we need to ship them some bitumen quick: Smog disconnect puzzles Metro air quality experts. Blame China! Oh, you already have!

Hey weird! When you inject lubricant into the earth’s crust it starts to move around a lot more: Earthquakes linked to oilpatch activity. Just try not to mention the massive subsidies we give these companies.

I’m telling you, they are taking over: Six new greenway additions coming soon to Surrey. And who even cares if they all run under massive high-tension transmission wires?

The bandwagon is officially full: B.C. politicians weigh in on Canucks’ Cup campaign. I call for the immediate separation of sport and state.

Owner of three Vancouver Subways named city’s worst boss. Somewhere, Emad Yacoub gives a huge sigh of relief.

TEA & TWO SLICES: On Paulina Gretzky Versus Jesus And Budgeting For Old People

by Sean Orr | Blaming the plighted for their plight: Public-sector workers are ‘spoiled over-class’. Take it from Mark Steyn, the guy who believes that “Eurabia” – a future where the European continent is dominated by Islam — is an imminent reality that cannot be reversed. “A great paradox of human nature is that the more handouts people are given, the less they appreciate them. And the more they are given, the more they expect”. Which is exactly the opposite of what is actually happening. Greece, like most places dominated by the neo-liberal agenda, has had to make drastic cuts to the social safety net. These aren’t handouts. These are basic government services that have been decimated.

And with an aging population, the first affected are the youth: The Canadian Budget: Jim Flaherty Doesn’t Care About Young People. Ironically, they’re the only people that can also do something about it.

So they’d rather it sat empty? Residents in the upscale Southlands neighbourhood are upset over a plan to turn the historic Casa Mia mansion into a seniors’ care facility, fearing it will further congest traffic and destroy the site’s heritage feel. By “heritage feel” do they mean the Mission Revival Style architecture more commonly associated with California? Or are they referring to it’s association to illegal drug smuggling? Or are they referring to its history as a residence for legendary acid doctor Ross Maclean? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for those things. It’s just that I don’t think the people who want preserve its history are.

Too close to home: Report: Nation’s Gentrified Neighborhoods Threatened By Aristocratization.

Jesus died for your syntax: Paulina Gretzky caught on video leaving Los Angeles nightclub. Happy Easter, from The Province.

CKNW Tweets: “Heckler at Premier’s newser: “Give us a raise!” In a hospital, but unclear which group heckler was from”. Um, try the public. Why do they have to belong to some group to be pissed off?

Local boys make it to ESPN: Isotopes blend punk and baseball.

TEA & TWO SLICES: On “Important” Media, The Missing Middle, And Filling Up Our Cars

by Sean Orr | The $10-billion question: why isn’t the F-35 scandal on the front page of “important” newspapers?. Ooh, I know! Is it something to do with the Military Industrial Complex and an enabling media? Or maybe we’re all just super jaded because this kind of shit happens all the time.

Just bad optics: Premier missing from her own party’s donor list. Maybe she just couldn’t afford to donate at the time, what with the cost of living and all. You know, because it’s so expensive to live here and whatnot.

Because some of the stereotypes are true.

Speaking of which: Real Housewives of Vancouver star Christina Kiesel says she played ‘character to the max’. Do not watch this. Not even as a joke. Not even for irony’s sake.

The Missing Middle: New housing types for a changing city. Yes! This is what I’m talking about. People often balk at my love of Toronto. “It’s got a middle,” I retort, and people scoff. Then I say, “You know, it’s got patios,” and people nod.

“You know how to make the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation”: Developer signs deal for 600 acres of ALR land. “Proposal would turn productive south Delta farmland into a rail yard to service the Gateway Project.” I’m guessing getting rid of the Agricultural Land Reserve is not one of the Tyee’s Paradigm Shifts.

Meanwhile, in the Greenest City on Earth: Plans for bike/pedestrian network connecting Stanley Park and False Creek postponed. Speaking of which, when is Carrall Street going to connect with the north seawall? When they get a private developer to do something with that massive piece of land? Oh.

Maple Ridge Impossible: VW bug placed on Golden Ears Bridge pier. And it didn’t even have to pay a toll.

Peak predictions: What happens if we hit $1.70 per litre at the pump? Nothing. We will just keep filling up our cars and whining about it.

TEA & TWO SLICES: On Outrage, Rampant Inquiries, And The Latest Indie Sensation

by Sean Orr | Remember when it was BC Transit? Premier doesn’t support bonuses at Translink. Well then, Little Miss Reacty Pants, don’t run it like a corporation! It’s George Bataille’s Accursed Share, or Slavoj Zizek’s Revolt of the Salaried Bourgeoisie. But don’t get me wrong…I’m totally outraged.

Clogged Arteries: B.C. traffic congestion under scrutiny. “Delta officials are commissioning a study of the economic impact of traffic congestion at the George Massey Tunnel, in a bid to secure government financing for a new north-south corridor.” Can we just fill in the Fraser River and get it over with? It’s costing us so much fucking money.

You can vote for BC’s worst roads. I vote Robson. Just run a tram down it already.

Get the fuck out of my art show, buddy: Sam Sullivan, Gordon Gibson offer diametrically opposed solutions in duelling essays.

Steppin Up: Surrey takes step toward first poverty action plan. Just to be clear, I’m not presenting this like, hey look Vancouver, this is what you should do, because we have like 23 poverty action plans. It’s just like, you know, good for you Surrey.

Insult to injury: Talk of rampant sexual harassment at inquiry riles Oppal, shocks victim’s families. Next there’s going to be an inquiry into the inquiry.

Hard Talk: Soft sentence brings system into disrepute. Soft Sentence sounds like the latest indie sensation out of Brooklyn. Oh, wait. This is about outrage. Sorry.

And now we can rest: Vancouver tops list for ‘sugar-daddy’ online dating.

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