TEA & TWO SLICES | On Harper’s Good Side And Swearing Oaths To The Gods Of Hockey

September 29, 2014 

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by Sean Orr | You say “Potato”, I say “Israel”: Unreal exchange in House of Commons over Canada’s involvement in Iraq. You know you’re in trouble when Global TV uses the word “unreal” to describe your parliament. Nevertheless, if there was justice in the world, NDP Leader Thomas Mulcair would get every vote possible for his beatdown of Conservative MP Paul Calandra. Macleans goes further: “They call it Question Period, not Fundamentals of Human Dignity Period…”

Update: Calandra is sorry. Really, really sorry.

The mask of Janus: Critics question use of official photographers to capture Harper’s good side. Man, a 360 degree, Matrix-style drone helicopter couldn’t capture Harper’s good side.

Potential new ex-Premier: Premier proposes name change for Temporary Foreign Worker program. “So maybe if they are overhauling the program they can change the name from temporary foreign worker to potential new Canadian…” If you work hard, swear allegiance on a stack of maple leaves, worship your new god Hockey, eat at Tim Hortons every single day, and aren’t a terrorist (that’s a big one), then maybe you can become one of us.

Malcolm X in the Middle: Vancouver Sun’s Jordan Subban photo caption sparks outrage. “Dark Guy in the Middle” sounds like a quirky premise for a sitcom. Perhaps they just meant spiritually dark and this is all just a misunderstanding…

Speaking of outrage: The new, tiresome culture of outrage. This article makes me more outraged than, say, knowing that Missouri cops are wearing ‘I am Darren Wilson’ bracelets.

City trying to close Oppenheimer Park tent city, move homeless to upscale Vancouver neighbourhood. What neighbourhood isn’t upscale compared to the DTES? “You always have to worry about tipping the balance and I think we’re getting close to tipping that balance (in False Creek)” – George Affleck (seemingly unaware that this is the exact argument used by anti-gentrification protesters).

The rich should form a counter-protest and buy up a bunch of housing and just leave them empty. Oh, wait…Vancouver’s empty, run-down million-dollar homes receiving global attention, local anger. It would suck if someone were to, oh, I dunno…leave the water running.

Meanwhile, Judge dismisses challenge of Vancouver’s street vending bylaw. So a rich person can leave an entire house empty if they are going to sell it but a poor person can’t have a garage sale on the street. Sounds about right.

UnfairBnb: Airbnb to begin collecting San Fran hotel tax. In Vancouver, only the Green Party has added an AirBnb tax to their platform. Vancouver hotels currently pay 16.5% tax; AirBnb pays 0%.

Bonus: I-don’t-know-how-I-missed-it-of-the-month.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Sore Lululosers And Clearing Oppenheimer Park’s Tent City

September 23, 2014 

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by Sean Orr | Go for that “lived-in” look: Poll: Should Vancouver tax owners of vacant condos? Yes, but how long until professional companies pop up to just make it look like someone actually is living in your condo? Full disclosure: I’ve been doing that for 7 years in my parent’s condo and nobody suspects a thing…

The Province newspaper asked its famously informed subscribers if the police should “clear out the tent city homeless protesters in Oppenheimer Park”. One response really captured the readergeist: “Absolutely! 99.9% of the citizens of Vancouver have jobs, work hard and pay for their accommodation [...] I have no expectation that the taxpayers should pay my way. But then, what should we expect from Mayor Moonbeam and his Merry Band of Loonies?” Hmm, perhaps you could expect a more accurate estimation of the city’s current unemployment rate? For the record, currently 5.8% of Vancouverites are jobless, not 0.1%. That’s over 25,000 people. Not even Stanley Park would have enough room to accommodate that many tents.

A towering argument: Development taken to new level by Vision Vancouver. “So is the ‘Greenest City’ branding more like a Potemkin Village initiative, leading Gregor Robertson’s party to become the default choice of urban hipsters and environmentally-conscious boomers alike”? Yes, but can we call it facadism, please?

Related: ONNI Developer Destroying Green Space in East Vancouver – with photos.

Who would have thought capitalism would be so damn predatory? Rich get richer, and Canadian companies want their business. I imagine it looks something like this: YOU! LOOK AT ME!

Geritocracy: Age, not gender, is the new income divide in Canada, study finds. And with that, I give you the Baby Boomer Death Counter. You’re welcome.

Vancouver Coolhunters by VFW. “Vancouver Fashion Week had the honour of meeting with eight incredible people who have emblazoned the local fashion scene for years”. Yeah, I’m sure they’re all very nice and creative people, but how the fuck do you emblazon a local fashion scene?

Related: I dressed like an idiot at London Fashion Week to see how easy it is to get street snapped.

Nothing was the Same: Why Tanya Tagaq is the most wonderfully weird Polaris winner of all. Thanks for not picking the softest rapper in the game.

And speaking of weird: Briton killed in France took identity of dead Canadian rockstar. “Gone gone gone, he be gone so long” – Dave Olson.

Lululemon founder Chip Wilson covers home’s graffiti seawall mural with message critical of city. Oh, give me a break. Being a spoiled brat because you didn’t get a permit for your mural doesn’t mean the city doesn’t support art. In all fairness, they probably don’t, but that’s not what is happening here, you big baby.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Joint Agreements & Free Bartenders Serving Tainted Alcohol

September 18, 2014 

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by Sean Orr | “Rocks out” should be in quotation marks: Stephen Harper rocks out at Calgary nightclub. “Taking care of business and working overtime at your second part time minimum wage job with no benefits that you need to feed your family because of Canada’s deep and persistent income inequality, work out!”

I wonder if the above show sold out like how Harper just sold out the country: Harper sell out to China will be locked in.

Also, is it just me or does he seem a little stiff these days? Perhaps he could use a visit to everyone’s favourite dominatrix: Dominatrix expelled from Senate hearing after mentioning ‘proof on politicians’. For a second I thought this was a Marg Delahunty bit from This Hour Has 22 Minutes.

Speaking of loosening up: Christy Clark reaches deal with teachers just 24 hours after Dana Larsen mailed her pot. “We’ve come to a joint agreement,” indeed.

How to conflate the right to housing and the right to own property in one easy step: Politicians shouldn’t meddle with the housing market. “You want a house? Work hard and buy one — or move somewhere cheaper…” And if that doesn’t work, you could always call upon the meddling CHMC.

Related tweet of the century:

Meanwhile, back at the ranch: City says more than 100 unregulated recovery homes shut down in Surrey. Get those people on the streets immediately! And if they should so happen to mosey on down to a certain poorest postal code then so be it! They are truly free now.

Whipsers Only: $3000 / 1br – 1000ft² – Super Charmer. “If you are professionally employed and working 9-5 please apply for this amazing opportunity to be in Vancouver’s oldest and coolest neighbourhood”. Stop, stop, Strathcona’s already dead.

A city guide that isn’t completely awful: The HYPEBEAST City Guide to Vancouver. Not one single mention of the word ‘gritty’ when referring to Gastown. There is this, however: “In 2014 the neighboring Chinatown and Main Street areas are seeing notable expansion”. I had no idea that they were getting bigger…

Bonus: If you want a little more depth, here is a map of every single (known) performance space in Vancouver.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Arctic Pipedreams & Rabid Bats Loving Guitar-Playing Hippies

September 16, 2014 

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by Sean Orr | A perfect metaphor for Vancouver, its population, and its ruling party: Vancouver alleges spam attack as number of Twitter followers mushrooms over the weekend. “I’m the party star, I’m popular. I’ve got my own car, I’m popular. I’ll never get caught, I’m popular.

Fickle City: Broker: ‘There is no demand for Vancouver Canucks tickets’. So that means they are going to be cheaper, right? Right?

Speaking of supply and demand: Editorial: An economics lesson not learned. “In business, you charge what the market will bear, not what is unbearable”. You know what is unbearable? BC Ferries’ wifi. You know what makes it just a little bit better? The “BC Ferrys” parody Twitter account…

B.C. Teachers’ Strike Won’t Be Settled With Budget Surplus. Who’s in charge of the province’s finances? Tyrion fucking Lannister?

Related Instagram of the Day: Teachers Want To Much. [sic]

It’s heartland versus hinterland, and it’s a rout: Poor kids hit hard by school strike. Well, it wouldn’t be late-capitalism if rich kids were hard hit. “Teens could turn to drinking and drugs”. That is possibly the most generalized statement in the history of the world. Also, the place where most kids turn to drinking and drugs? Yup. School.

A Song of Ice and Ire: The Real Story Behind Canada’s Sudden Interest In Arctic Archaeology. Or, “Instead of extracting resources and leaving, we could populate the mid-Canada corridor—and create a bigger, better country: If We Build It, They Will Stay.

Although that sounds like a cute As It Happens-style, bringing-communities-together type of feel good scenario, it would probably be a giant neocolonial make-work project that looks more like this: Temporary foreign worker dies in freak accident, leaves chilling testimony.

Acidic Spill from Vancouver Island Metal Mine Enters Myra Creek. Well, I mean…what are parks for if not for acid substances?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, The Province: Video: Rabid bat attacks guitarist at campground jam session. “Derrick Skou is into a pretty good groove on his acoustic when the bat swoops into the frame from the left and circles him once before landing on his collar”. That’s gold, Jerry. Gold!

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Voyeuristic Punk Adventurism And Temporary Devil Genitals

September 11, 2014 

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by Sean Orr | More voyeuristic, romantic, hagiography regarding the DTES. I expected better from Vice: A look at the punk scene coming out of one of Canada’s Poorest Postal Code. “The scene is, I think it’s getting a bit more real, which sounds kind of lame”. It sure does. No mention of any actual punk bands, and no mention of The Astoria, Emergency Room, Alf House, Red Gate, The Cobalt, Secret Location/Nite Prison, or Chi Pig. You know that I’m wary of the G-word, but the piece just reeks of middle-class, neo-colonial adventurism.

Related: East Vancouver studio owner plans fundraiser after thieves steal at least $6,000 worth of music gear.

Devil Chilling Park? New guerrilla art lasts less than a day.

Cue the inevitable petition to bring it back. “Just as some were offended by the price tag and substance of the porcelain dog, others may have been offended at the sight of Lucifer’s Plastic Love Pump, but none would be offended at its price tag”. You leave the poor Main Street Poodle out of this. It’s suffered enough!

Oh noes! Jamie Lee Hamilton leaves COPE, alleges Left Front blocking her nomination. Best reader comment: “I hope I don’t confuse online voter registry with a Buzzfeed ‘Which Ninja Turtle Are You?’ quiz.”

Gregor Robertson can’t stop tanker traffic or build a subway, so why leave that impression? ”The National Energy Board will make a decision on Kinder Morgan’s application”. Shh, don’t tell Burnaby! Burnaby asks court to block Kinder Morgan B.C. pipeline.

Meanwhile, Gregor can’t stop the teacher’s strike either, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t comment on it. Why has Vancouver’s ‘progressive’ Mayor been so quiet about the BC teachers’ strike? Update: Vancouver mayor adds support for binding arbitration in B.C. teachers’ strike.

Now if we can only get him to do something about his transparency problem…

But if that bit of journalism isn’t sexy enough for you: Vancouver mayoral race now a three-way. “The 53-year-old mental health worker and longtime community organizer will battle Mayor Gregor Robertson and NPA challenger Kirk LaPointe for votes in a multicultural city that has never had a female mayor or one of Chinese descent”.

Unrelated: Naked Sushi celebrates the tradition of sexism, not Japanese culinary culture.

You-probably-haven’t-heard-of of the day: Palestine Awareness Coalition protests at Deltaport.

A Hitchcockian urban nightmare! City life’s a rat race in Vancouver — and the rats may be winning. With raw video of…you guessed it, rats! Who is this mysterious Johnny Appleseed of East Van? Can he be stopped?

Bonus: Mark’s Work Wearhouse Announces Rules for Who Gets to Wear Plaid. Beware, it’s a joke. A lumberjoke!

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Terrorist Sex Shops & Teachers Enduring A Twittering Shithead

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by Sean Orr | Ha ha, Brazil! First you blew the World Cup, now this: Canada’s degradation of pristine, intact forests leads world. “Researchers suggest oil and gas industry plays a big role”. Thanks researchers, or as I like to call them, “the enemy”.

Why are they trying to stand in the way of our robust oil economy? Soaring Oil Debt: Returns diminish as energy companies resort to higher-cost, higher-risk hydrocarbons.

“In addition to seeing fewer vehicles on the road (a startling U.S. reality already), we shall also see lower wages (except in the hydrocarbon industry), rising food prices, rising personal debt loads, increased demands on governments increasingly short of revenue, explosive inequalities in wealth and rising political conflict”.

B.C. premier’s office says Christy Clark ‘lunch’ tweet is fake. The tweet may be fake, but the sentiment isn’t.

Not a fake tweet from Joey “Shithead” Keithley of legendary punk band DOA:

Which is to say that punk’s not dead. It just goes to bed earlier.

And you know you’re in trouble when Nickelback is more left-wing than you: Nickelback Creates a ‘Revolution’ With Brand-New Video. Hmm, millionaires co-opting the protest movement to sell stuff? Unheard of!

Related: The Total Annihilation of Life as We Know It.

War on error: Nelson sex shop makes love, not war as it deals with backlash of sharing name with Islamic extremism

Little did Fierro she know when she picked the Egyptian goddess named ISIS for her business, that one day it would be a name made infamous by beheadings and radical Islamic preaching and brutal violence that has been condemned around the world.

“We’ve had our fingers crossed that this will go away,” the store owner has reportedly said, coincidentally mimicking the same strategy employed by the United Nations.

Driving a wedge: Cyclists and pedestrians sometimes don’t mix on the mean streets of Vancouver. If only we could do something like – oh, I don’t know – make separated bike lanes?

Related: 20 people died last week because of…cars.

Tonight, there’s gonna be a jail break: TransLink blames latest system shutdown on passengers who broke out of train. Weird. I wonder where they got the idea that they’d be stranded for hours and not minutes?

Addressing both high housing costs and transit funding with one tax. Hey, maybe Gregor can talk about this idea during his campaign and then never implement it.

Meanwhile, calling all bankers, mining execs, and CEOs: Vancouver Affordable Housing Agency: Call for board directors.

Another day, another terrible “Gastown is hip” article: Gastown’s ‘fiercely local vibe’ makes it among the most stylish neighbourhoods in the world. New drinking game: take a sip every time someone calls Gastown “gritty”.

Bonus: Looking at the history of Vancouver’s alcohol-fueled underbelly.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On The First Day Of School And Blaming Trees For A Forest Fire

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by Sean Orr | So, how was everyone’s Working Multiple Temporary Part-Time Minimum Wage Jobs With No Benefits Day?

In case you missed it, our Premier celebrated the day by trolling teachers on Twitter and Facebook with hilarious results. If her term in office could be shortened by the acidity of Facebook comments alone, her quick removal would be assured. Here are just a few of my faves…

“Convenient that the BC Supreme Court’s decisions don’t influence the private schools your children will be attending tomorrow…”

“Blaming the teachers for this strike is like blaming the trees for a forest fire…”

“Why you so stupid Christy?”

“A contract that has a self-destruct clause is not a contract…”

“im in a private school and there handicaps…” [sic]

I could be wrong, but I’m thinking that last one was actually arguing in support of the government.

BC is not alone: Hey, premiers, leave them teachers alone!

Muckraker of the day: Peter Fassbender and the back-to-basics education movement in the ’70s. “Amid the turmoil, Fassbender introduced a motion asking the Education Ministry to restore corporal punishment (and) there was also a tiff over the way teachers were dressing”. Wow, talk about basic!

But by far the most enjoyable headline of the weekend was this amazing piece of satire journalism from the Globe and Mail: B’nai Brith CEO to nominate Harper for Nobel Peace Prize. “The Conservative government has said that its outspoken approach is part of a ‘principled’ foreign policy that means it is unafraid to choose sides in conflicts”. Because I thought it was satirical at first, I’m going to quote Alan Ranta: “Everyone knows the first step to peace is choosing one side in a conflict and condemning the other as evil”.

The requisite petition: Deny the Nomination of PM Stephen Harper for 2014 Nobel Peace Prize. Or at least nominate Putin to make it even.

SPIKED: Harper visits, ignores North. To be sure, if I was PM, the 100-day dump fire would be the first place I’d go.

It’s not leaking, it’s crying: Is B.C. Place’s multi-million dollar new roof leaking again? If we can’t even make condos without leaks, we shouldn’t expect our stadiums to be dry.

ComicCon: Vancouver Convention Centre use falls short of projections, just like other centres across North America. Nobody could have foreseen this, except for all the people who totally foresaw this.

‘Bias’ concerns led tax agency to target left-leaning think-tank. Look out Fraser Institute, you’re (totally not) next!

Impending doom of the day: Female lobster stuffed with eggs found near Bowen Island. I, for one, look forward to our new lobster overlords.

Bonus: Colourized Vancouver.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Barfing Into Fendi Bags & Affluent Kids Moving Into The DTES

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by Sean Orr | We are Tennyson’s mariners, and we’ve eaten the lotus: Vancouver is fast becoming Fat Cat City as luxury purchase opportunities pile up. If you we don’t violently vomit blood-specked rage while you read this then there is something drastically wrong with you us. “It’s kind of a high-powered game of keeping up with the Joneses — except in this case it’s keeping up with the Fendis and the Armanis”. Barf! Real, actual wealth has never needed to prostitute itself so vulgarly. What we’re seeing here instead are expensive expressions of personal insecurity…

“The edgy neighbourhood [Gastown] may once have been Vancouver’s skid row…”, the masturbatory article continues. Wrong. Skid Row is skid row. Gastown has always been Gastown. It was gentrified in the 70s, not the 2010s. ”Stylish, well-heeled Asians make up the majority of her business…” Oh, just stop it already.

Meanwhile, to our south, no one will heed this warning:

The divide between the haves and have-nots is getting worse really, really fast. In 1980, the top 1 percent controlled about 8 percent of U.S. national income. The bottom 50 percent shared about 18 percent. Today the top 1 percent share about 20 percent; the bottom 50 percent, just 12 percent.

Related: One Incredible Entrepreneur Saved This Struggling Neighborhood By Replacing Everyone In It With Affluent Twentysomethings

Just one year ago, East Shellwood was one of the poorest neighborhoods in America. Its public schools were buckling under budget cuts and the crime rate was steadily increasing, while property values had hit an all-time low.

Today, all of that has changed. East Shellwood is thriving, and shows no signs of slowing down. So what happened?

It all started when a community-minded entrepreneur by the name of Jackson Klemmer had the innovative idea to replace every single one of the area’s longtime residents with affluent twentysomethings. The rest, as they say, is history.

“I knew if we could just find some way to increase the cost of living so that poorer residents had no choice but to move out, we could completely revitalize the neighborhood by filling it with predominantly white twentysomethings,” said Klemmer, a real estate investor and community activist. “People said East Shellwood was a lost cause. But I never stopped believing in this place and the people who could potentially live here once we got rid of all the poor people.”

Related: Ayn Rand’s Capitalist Paradise Is Now a Greedy Land-Grabbing Shitstorm.

Meanwhile the Conservatives keep getting more….conservative-y: Peter MacKay Wears Gun Shirt From Group That Wants To Repeal Canada’s Firearms Laws. But…but…Justin wants to give your kids weed! Or, I see your true colours. Oh, and this is the responsible gun-owning veteran who uses his disability to sneak vodka into football games.

Meanwhile environmentalists are zealots who want to shoot people on Skytrains: The Paver, the Optimist, the Suspicious, the Skeptic and the Back-to-the-Lander. “We don’t need to tell you the resource debate can be loud and antagonistic”, so we need to be louder and more antagonistic.

Don’t look at it like you’re losing a glacier, but rather that you’re gaining a cool new lake! Decker Glacier lake at Whistler a sign of melt to come. Not sure if it’s on purpose, but that headline reminds me of Refused.

Bandwagon alert: Gregor does ice bucket challenge. Not to criticize the challenge, but I’d rather see him do the Rubble bucket challenge. Or the clean drinking water challenge. Or the Grimes challenge.

Vision Vancouver, NPA, Greens are neck and neck in council race, poll shows. “But city hall got low marks for transparency, homelessness and poverty, and “engaging with regular people”. Who paid for this poll? Who are regular people?

The NPA’s wedge issue? They are against bike counters: Vancouver bike lanes boast record summer cycling traffic. Talk about missing LaPointe.

Regarding the Arbutus Corridor, Bangkok proves that railways and community gardens can coexist.

Craigslist of the day: Cozy, spacious three-bedroom suite near UBC, SFU, Trinity Western, U of A, Berkely, and McGill for rent.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Killing Blackbirds And Promising To End Homelessness Again

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by Sean Orr | Good question: When politicians promise to run clean campaigns, what does it mean? Hmm, it probably means about as much as when they promise to end homelessness

Related tweet of the day:

Think Political Donations Are Benign? You Must Be a Politician. I’d say throw Bill Bennet in jail but he’d probably just buy his way out.

Diner en Brûlée: Firefighters respond to Vancouver’s Diner en Blanc after paper lanterns soar all over city. OK, next year we’re totally going to bring massive fans to blow the lanterns right back into their little elitist soiree. They’ll all end up looking like toasted marshmallows, and it will be adorable.

Bedroom City: Downtown Vancouver residential boom creates need for services, amenities. If only there was some sort of Yaletown-like neighbourhood only 5 minutes away.

Cirque de so Lame: City of Vancouver puts limits on Concord Pacific’s use of False Creek land. Well, if Concord Pacific are allowed to squat on the land, maybe they should re-locate the entire Oppenheimer Park tent city there. I’m sure the False Creek Residents Association would be happy to accommodate them. Right?

OSGEMEOS Transforming Industrial Silos at the Vancouver Biennale. Little do they know they’re actually pawns in Port Metro’s little PR scheme.

Double double (the profits): Burger King in Talks to Buy Tim Hortons in Canada Tax Deal. Top comment: “If BK ends up saving all that money in taxes, the wealth will trickle down to the employees, not the shareholders and executives, right?”

“At least the fries were cooked”. The Gillotine strikes again: Donnelly Group’s Blackbird bistro a fine-dining disaster.

Vancouver Island restaurant cancels its no-tipping policy. Memo to the owner: in order to have customers not tip, you’ll probably need some customers first.

Instagram of the Day: Twain on the Train.

My friend saw a Sasquatch.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Peeping Drones & Kerrisdale Likened To A Bastion Of Marxism

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by Sean Orr | Seizing the means of reduction: Urbanization: Who’d have guessed? Kerrisdale as a bastion of Marxism. It’s a good article, but seizing land is hardly a Marxist thing to do. Just ask our First Nations. Or simply watch this show for children.

Capital Regional District decides not to expropriate Grace Islet. Especially fitting that this story should published in the Times-Colonist

Speaking of expropriation: Don’t Let Rich People Own Apartments They Don’t Live In. Good idea. Maybe we could create an apartment-sharing social enterprise and call it Zipartment.

Pete McMartin: Keep our roads safe — ban cars. If it sounds like hyperbole, it is. And that’s the point. I linked to this before, and I’m doing it again: Why Bikes Make Smart People Say Dumb Things.

Making a window out of concrete: Gag order to be imposed on new RCMP transparency office. We’re going to give you this whistle, OK? And if anything seems strange, you go into this sound-proof isolation booth and blow it so nobody can hear you, OK?

Emails show federal officials worried about second Idle No More movement. Wait…does this mean that the Idle No More movement actually went idle at some point? Worried is a good word for it. Terrified is another.

Dudette Relaxing Recreation Area: Dude Chilling Park sign vandalized again. I can’t think of a better place to discuss the merits of feminism than the comments section of Vancity Buzz.

Did you see it? Huge meteor spotted across Southern BC. Are you sure it wasn’t a UFO or a peeping drone?

Steve Moore, Todd Bertuzzi Settlement Reached Decade After On-Ice Attack. Even so, Bertuzzi-ing remains a huge problem on Vancouver’s streets.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On CP Rail’s PR Fail & Another Old White Guy Whining About Weed

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by Sean Orr | Free Canada, Trade Harper: Canada’s wine industry may face restrictions if leaked EU trade deal is accurate. Are you sure you want to wake the beast within wine drinkers? Best comment: “Who cares a fiddlers foot about the wind industry” (sic).

Community hardens, rails against bullying: Arbutus Corridor Bulldozing By CP Rail Begins. Surprised there weren’t any concerned Kitsilanoans chained up to the bulldozers. If only it were a bike path

One way to really Save On Meats: Food supplier claims Save On Meats owner Mark Brand stiffed it on bills.

This hurts my noodle: ‘Pastafarian’ fights to wear colander in B.C. driver’s licence photo. For what it’s worth, I didn’t even have to strain myself to think of a pun for this one.

Salmon Cannon Shoots Fish Over Dams. That’s Right—A Fish Cannon. Yeah, I’ll believe that when Pinks fly.

Creator of SkyTrain massacre video game defends work. Well, at least he’s not the one conflating realities: “It takes place in an actual Vancouver Skytrain…” Nope. No it doesn’t. For the record, it takes place on a computer. “Is this game going to make any money?” Yeah, because that’s what really matters. “Scott joins us today from the Main Street Skytrain Station. Scott, do you see anyone – anyone at all – there today, on any sort of rampage?” “No Mike, but time can only tell…”

Concrete crashes onto sidewalk in Downtown Eastside. Is (this Concord Pacific-owned) building now a metaphor on real estate speculation and corporate squatting?

TransLink considers changing name of Evergreen Line. Hmm, they must have seen Scout’s Nevergreen Line entry.

Old white dude writes anti-pot editorial: Legalizing dope would cost everybody. “When dope is legalized in Canada, will that mean our co-workers can get stoned on the job every day, dumping more work on the rest of us?” Hey look, just because you’re legally allowed to get drunk and pen ridiculous opinion pieces doesn’t mean the rest of us are as irresponsible as you are. Also, taxes.

Has it been a year already? The Worst of Vancouver, 2014 Edition: “Winners”.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Getting Denied At Diner En Blanc And Pipeline Sentimentalism

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by Sean Orr | A guest writer in The Province is anti-anti-everything: B.C.’s anti-everything movement needs to end. He needs to be reminded that the people who are against the pipelines aren’t anti-resource. They are merely against the unsustainable and destructive practices of fracking and the tar sands. Moreso, they’re against wholesale extraction that only benefits crony corporations with no benefit to the public. “You only have to consider the facts”, he writes, offering anecdotes about mother, his friends, and a $900 mountain bike.

But then again, ‘Responsible capitalism’ is nonsense.

Kevin O’Leary leaves CBC’s The Lang & O’Leary Exchange. Awesome, now all that’s left is for him to leave Canada.

Low-hanging fruit: Rob Ford says threatening email has given him 12 hours to resign or City Hall will be blown up.

Cuts like a knife: Bryan Adams Slams Stephen Harper For Canada’s Gaza Stance. Leading to the Tweet of the day:

Schadenfreude level 10: Sold-out Diner en Blanc leaves thousands of Vancouverites seeing red. Aw, let’s all feel bad for the poor elitists who didn’t make the cut.

Did you hear the one about the mother who moved into the DTES and was surprised to find the DTES

Related: Let’s work to radically change Vancouver.

Man without tattoo found living in East Van. Sigh. Judging by the comments below the piece I think we might need a local version of Literally Unbelievable.

Craigslist of the Day: 10 / hr to sit in a car.

Bonus: Lewis Found.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Aboriginals Having It Easy And Please Show Us Your Boobs Day

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by Sean Orr | Mount Polley wants a cracker: Former Mount Polley Mine employee speaks out about the tailings pond breach. Is that egg on your face, Christy Clark? Oh, no…wait, it’s charcoal! It’s OK though, because the massive profits from oil and gas will mitigate small disasters like this, right?

Wrong: B.C. economy not fueled by oil and gas: report. “We know things are bad, worse than bad (…) Well I’m not going to leave you alone, I want you to get mad.”

Related: Sick of this market-driven world? You should be.

Inside Skytrain Control “At the heart of Vancouver’s Expo and Millennium SkyTrain Lines is an aging Pentium computer with 1992 software contained on floppy discs”. The dream of the 90s is alive at Translink”. (thanks to Nicholas Ellan)

Put through the grinder: Burnaby’s International Sausage House squares off against condo developers. I have to be franks, I’m going to links to the wurst Kids in the Hall sketch ever: Love and Sausages.

Speaking of sausages: Go Topless Day 2014 Vancouver. Yeah, because Vancity Buzz has always been a women’s issue blog (remember Hump Day Hottie?). This post only serves to bolster the misogyny that spawned the gimmicky Topless Day in the first place. Bros, please stick to telling us about Versace.

Pros and Condoms: Anti-gay activist cons way into Vancouver Pride Parade, hands out flyers disguised as condoms. Memo: pretending you are gay and marching in the super gay Pride Parade to protest being gay is extra gay.

Reasonable Doubt: Kwikwetlem chief story stokes racist tensions in Canada. Never mind that an Aboriginal in Canada can expect the RCMP at his door for posting a comment on Facebook, or that the Fraser Institute thinks Aboriginal students are well funded, or the legacy of our Residential School system — no, our outrage is instead directed at a chief who made some money. If only he was a Chief Executive Officer, then we’d be cool with it…

Related: New Law Requires Welfare Recipients To Submit Sweat To Prove How Hard They’re Looking For Job.

Little Mosque on the Hill: Kenney uses parliamentary email for Trudeau mosque slam. Is that really all you have?

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks” – Hamlet. Danish tourists say they are ‘horrified’ by Canadian car culture. Exhibit A: Vancouver driver in separated bike lane almost right-hooks cyclist.

Derp of the Day: Man found inside donation bin. Is there a local edition of the Darwin Awards?

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Gretzky Vs. Gaza And The Masturbation Habits Of Politicians

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by Sean Orr | Slurry in a hurry: Residents calling it an environmental disaster: tailings pond breach at Mount Polley Mine near Likely, BC. This raises the question of how likely was this event? Also, dear corporate media, this might be a good time to bring up the spectre of tax breaks and subsidies for mining corporations in BC.

Satyricon: Convicts to replace B.C. teachers says Christie Clark. Almost as good as this: Miss USA 2011 — Should Math Be Taught In Schools?

Related: Christy Clark and Gordon Campbell tied for worst premier of B.C.. You can do it, Christy! Break the stalemate!

Another poll: British Columbians are not too optimistic. You know what they say, when you’re chewing on life’s gristle, don’t grumble, give a whistle! Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.

Rationalization is everything: When context is everything. Wherein mayoral candidate Lapointe compares a photo-op to de-sensitize the public to gay men kissing with a corporate publicity stunt. I mean, heaven forbid there is something in your past *cough masturbation video cough* that you might need to answer for. “We do not take a hostile view to homosexuality”. Oh great! What a marvellously progressive stance for a journalist to take! “Would it be different today? Of course. Society has thankfully evolved.” With no thanks to you.

No mainstream media outlets are reporting that local mothers and families are currently occupying MP Don Davies to protest Canadian support of the Israeli offensive in Gaza because Wayne Gretzky’s daughter’s boyfriend is a badass who clearly needs to get his act together or the damn wedding is off.

Related tweet of the day:

 

Metro Vancouver’s homeless community less transient than commonly believed. In which the Vancouver Sun spoils the lifelong image I’ve had of them riding the railroads playing harmonicas with polka-dotted bindles on their backs.

On being and nothingness: The floating life of affluent ‘transnational’ migrants. “New demographic: They are ‘global elites’, but such quasi-immigrants often lead unsatisfying, complex lives”. Oh well, as long as they aren’t happy. That’s all that really matters.

Listing of the day: Trendy 3 storey building with ground floor retail for sale. That either makes the following ironic or incredibly prophetic…

Cube Living: “On February 19 Grünenfelder began a limited release of micro-properties measuring 1 cubic foot. This innovative product addresses the stagnation and endemic unaffordability of Vancouver’s real estate market. In developing a spatial commodity that can be purchased in very small units, Cube Living is able to offer affordable properties at prices under $50! Micro-properties are an accessible solution to the inflated real estate market crisis that threatens to push Vancouver’s economy into decline”.

How Vancouver’s traffic nightmares hurt all of B.C.. Hmm, how about making public transit free?

Price weighs in with a fair counterpoint: ”We have next to zero tolerance for failure in our transit system if it happens even once or twice a year, while accepting the daily failure of a road-based system where every vehicle is a weak link. Each weekday, helicopters provide live images of accidents and back-ups; radio reports on the delays that affect thousands”.

Bonus: Most hated teams in the NHL by province, country and continent.

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