Jackson Murphy’s Notes On The Long Overdue “Vodkapocalypse”

By Jackson Murphy | At my local government liquor distribution branch, there are currently sixty-nine types of vodka in stock. Sixty-nine, and that is just in the 750ml bottle variety. That’s enough to make Stalin spit off his moustache. One can get everything from cheap and blinding plonk to new and pricy brands that defy the liquor’s peasant rep, like the $68.99 bottle of U’luvka from Poland.

According to one review, U’luvka offers drinkers a vodka that is, “creamy and lightly buttery in character, with impressive sweet, savoury and spicy flavours, aniseed freshness and a long vibrant grain finish.” Now, God knows I like the butter, but I never knew my vodka could be buttery. There are also blueberry ones, Vancouver-themed ones, ones that come in crystal skulls made by Dan Aykroyd, organic ones, potato ones, and even mojito ones if that’s your thing. Wait, isn’t a mojito made with rum? Nevermind…if crystal skulls are good enough for George Lucas, they’re good enough for us.

And of course, comrades, our state-run, archaic liquor dictatorship is just scratching the surface. There’s no Diddy-endorsed Ciroc or Trump, for example, not even any of that crazy Kalashnikov vodka that comes in a wicked AK-47 gun made of glass (for serious). And what? No Ed Hardy? It’s an outrage! If Jon Gosselin comes for the Olympic Games, what the hell is he going to drink when he’s cold mackin’ it at Republic? Read more