TEA & TWO SLICES | On Getting Denied At Diner En Blanc And Pipeline Sentimentalism

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by Sean Orr | A guest writer in The Province is anti-anti-everything: B.C.’s anti-everything movement needs to end. He needs to be reminded that the people who are against the pipelines aren’t anti-resource. They are merely against the unsustainable and destructive practices of fracking and the tar sands. Moreso, they’re against wholesale extraction that only benefits crony corporations with no benefit to the public. “You only have to consider the facts”, he writes, offering anecdotes about mother, his friends, and a $900 mountain bike.

But then again, ‘Responsible capitalism’ is nonsense.

Kevin O’Leary leaves CBC’s The Lang & O’Leary Exchange. Awesome, now all that’s left is for him to leave Canada.

Low-hanging fruit: Rob Ford says threatening email has given him 12 hours to resign or City Hall will be blown up.

Cuts like a knife: Bryan Adams Slams Stephen Harper For Canada’s Gaza Stance. Leading to the Tweet of the day:

Schadenfreude level 10: Sold-out Diner en Blanc leaves thousands of Vancouverites seeing red. Aw, let’s all feel bad for the poor elitists who didn’t make the cut.

Did you hear the one about the mother who moved into the DTES and was surprised to find the DTES

Related: Let’s work to radically change Vancouver.

Man without tattoo found living in East Van. Sigh. Judging by the comments below the piece I think we might need a local version of Literally Unbelievable.

Craigslist of the Day: 10 / hr to sit in a car.

Bonus: Lewis Found.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Aboriginals Having It Easy And Please Show Us Your Boobs Day

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by Sean Orr | Mount Polley wants a cracker: Former Mount Polley Mine employee speaks out about the tailings pond breach. Is that egg on your face, Christy Clark? Oh, no…wait, it’s charcoal! It’s OK though, because the massive profits from oil and gas will mitigate small disasters like this, right?

Wrong: B.C. economy not fueled by oil and gas: report. “We know things are bad, worse than bad (…) Well I’m not going to leave you alone, I want you to get mad.”

Related: Sick of this market-driven world? You should be.

Inside Skytrain Control “At the heart of Vancouver’s Expo and Millennium SkyTrain Lines is an aging Pentium computer with 1992 software contained on floppy discs”. The dream of the 90s is alive at Translink”. (thanks to Nicholas Ellan)

Put through the grinder: Burnaby’s International Sausage House squares off against condo developers. I have to be franks, I’m going to links to the wurst Kids in the Hall sketch ever: Love and Sausages.

Speaking of sausages: Go Topless Day 2014 Vancouver. Yeah, because Vancity Buzz has always been a women’s issue blog (remember Hump Day Hottie?). This post only serves to bolster the misogyny that spawned the gimmicky Topless Day in the first place. Bros, please stick to telling us about Versace.

Pros and Condoms: Anti-gay activist cons way into Vancouver Pride Parade, hands out flyers disguised as condoms. Memo: pretending you are gay and marching in the super gay Pride Parade to protest being gay is extra gay.

Reasonable Doubt: Kwikwetlem chief story stokes racist tensions in Canada. Never mind that an Aboriginal in Canada can expect the RCMP at his door for posting a comment on Facebook, or that the Fraser Institute thinks Aboriginal students are well funded, or the legacy of our Residential School system — no, our outrage is instead directed at a chief who made some money. If only he was a Chief Executive Officer, then we’d be cool with it…

Related: New Law Requires Welfare Recipients To Submit Sweat To Prove How Hard They’re Looking For Job.

Little Mosque on the Hill: Kenney uses parliamentary email for Trudeau mosque slam. Is that really all you have?

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks” – Hamlet. Danish tourists say they are ‘horrified’ by Canadian car culture. Exhibit A: Vancouver driver in separated bike lane almost right-hooks cyclist.

Derp of the Day: Man found inside donation bin. Is there a local edition of the Darwin Awards?

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Gretzky Vs. Gaza And The Masturbation Habits Of Politicians

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by Sean Orr | Slurry in a hurry: Residents calling it an environmental disaster: tailings pond breach at Mount Polley Mine near Likely, BC. This raises the question of how likely was this event? Also, dear corporate media, this might be a good time to bring up the spectre of tax breaks and subsidies for mining corporations in BC.

Satyricon: Convicts to replace B.C. teachers says Christie Clark. Almost as good as this: Miss USA 2011 — Should Math Be Taught In Schools?

Related: Christy Clark and Gordon Campbell tied for worst premier of B.C.. You can do it, Christy! Break the stalemate!

Another poll: British Columbians are not too optimistic. You know what they say, when you’re chewing on life’s gristle, don’t grumble, give a whistle! Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.

Rationalization is everything: When context is everything. Wherein mayoral candidate Lapointe compares a photo-op to de-sensitize the public to gay men kissing with a corporate publicity stunt. I mean, heaven forbid there is something in your past *cough masturbation video cough* that you might need to answer for. “We do not take a hostile view to homosexuality”. Oh great! What a marvellously progressive stance for a journalist to take! “Would it be different today? Of course. Society has thankfully evolved.” With no thanks to you.

No mainstream media outlets are reporting that local mothers and families are currently occupying MP Don Davies to protest Canadian support of the Israeli offensive in Gaza because Wayne Gretzky’s daughter’s boyfriend is a badass who clearly needs to get his act together or the damn wedding is off.

Related tweet of the day:

 

Metro Vancouver’s homeless community less transient than commonly believed. In which the Vancouver Sun spoils the lifelong image I’ve had of them riding the railroads playing harmonicas with polka-dotted bindles on their backs.

On being and nothingness: The floating life of affluent ‘transnational’ migrants. “New demographic: They are ‘global elites’, but such quasi-immigrants often lead unsatisfying, complex lives”. Oh well, as long as they aren’t happy. That’s all that really matters.

Listing of the day: Trendy 3 storey building with ground floor retail for sale. That either makes the following ironic or incredibly prophetic…

Cube Living: “On February 19 Grünenfelder began a limited release of micro-properties measuring 1 cubic foot. This innovative product addresses the stagnation and endemic unaffordability of Vancouver’s real estate market. In developing a spatial commodity that can be purchased in very small units, Cube Living is able to offer affordable properties at prices under $50! Micro-properties are an accessible solution to the inflated real estate market crisis that threatens to push Vancouver’s economy into decline”.

How Vancouver’s traffic nightmares hurt all of B.C.. Hmm, how about making public transit free?

Price weighs in with a fair counterpoint: ”We have next to zero tolerance for failure in our transit system if it happens even once or twice a year, while accepting the daily failure of a road-based system where every vehicle is a weak link. Each weekday, helicopters provide live images of accidents and back-ups; radio reports on the delays that affect thousands”.

Bonus: Most hated teams in the NHL by province, country and continent.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Putting An End To Whale Humping And Evil Hipster Landlords

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by Sean Orr | Unfortunate self-fulfilling prophecy: Suspect sought after man stabbed on SkyTrain following Honda Celebration of Light fireworks show. Not saying we told you so, except that we totally told you so.

Forget class sizes, I’m concerned about the size of her crass: Premier’s joke falls flat with Penticton teachers.”It took them awhile to find us. We were here for three days. So I hope none of them are teaching geography’ Clark said, drawing a round of laughter and applause”. That’s almost as funny as a Premier who never earned a university degree talking about education.

Related: photo of the day.

B.C. teachers’ strike: parents to get $40 a day if strike continues. Oh, I get it. So teachers are really just glorified babysitters. That’s good to know.

In Vancouver, race undercuts the discussion on real estate affordability. Any movement that forgets about class is a bowel movement. Quote of the decade by Sid Chow Tan: “Bob Rennie standing up for the Chinese community? What Chinese community? Real estate investors and landowners. That’s the community he’s standing up for.”

Related Craigslist of the Day: “Thanks for gentrifying me out of my home you stupid fucking hipster rich kid evil landlord fuckwads.”

Related tweet of the day:

 

Tent city occupants have law on their side. Did the Vancouver Sun really just post an opinion piece by Harsha Walia? Is it really that hot out?

Occupier given city-paid phone. Wait, who are the occupiers again?

Troubled waters: Nuclear radiation found in B.C. may pose health concerns. Concerning to be sure, but the biggest concern is the following: “Recent federal government cutbacks have placed a greater burden of testing and monitoring for aquatic impacts on academics, non-governmental organizations and even private citizens”. I spent all my money on a geiger counter. Now I can’t afford to eat.

I really wish I could take a side on this whole Whales in Captivity thing. This might make it easier: Aquarium CEO likens transfer of Bjossa to trading Wayne Gretzky. That is, of course, if Wayne Gretzky was held captive inside the LA Kings dressing room and then died two years later instead of, you know, retiring as a millionaire.

But wait, he’s not done yet: Park Board Picks a Fight With Mother Nature. “For the Park Board to stop whales and dolphins from doing what comes naturally is like telling Park Board commissioners not to have sex, ever. It’s unnatural”. Wait, artificial insemination is natural?

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Living Dangerously In A Nanny State With Terrible Newspapers

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by Sean Orr | I apologise for my lack of posts last week. God forbid you had to read The Province all by yourself! My computer shut down on the same day as the Great Skytrain Crash of 2014. It turns out my little Macbook was also running the entire SkyTrain system. No wonder it was so slow!

I demand answers. I just don’t want to pay for them: TransLink to pay independent expert $1,200 a day to review SkyTrain outages. Apparently $1,200 gets you such Orwellian tidbits as: “We’re going to start to communicate out as you would in any travel what plans you need to make”. What?

Imagine being “put out on the street”? Oppenheimer park protest puts Powell Street Festival out on the street. Actually, if you bothered to ask the festival organizers, they voluntarily pulled out of the park in solidarity with the protesters. Gee, way to be bad at being a newspaper.

“We should get first dibs” – actual quote from an actual adult. Vancouver House tower makes enemies before it’s built by targeting Asian buyers. Wow, people hate when they’re not marketed to? “Vancouver House’s star architect, Bjarke Ingels, suggests the building is symbolic of ‘a giant curtain, at the moment of being pulled back to reveal the world to Vancouver and Vancouver to the world”. And behind that curtain? A xenophobic wizard named Oz who artificially inflates home-prices at will, forcing our little Dorothy of a fishing village to grow up beyond recognition. Click your heels Vancouver, because there’s no place like home.

But we will take your workers: BC and China sign MOU to allow foreign workers to expand LNG industry. Best comment: “What the hell did our grandparents and great grandparents fight WW2 for? I thought it was a war against communism?” Fascism, buddy. You mean fascism.

I hate it when they do that: Someone at the Fraser Institute accidentally blurted out a good idea. “Environmental and social benefits? Looking beyond narrow financial perspectives? Perish the thought!”

NHL: Climate change is going to cause serious problems for hockey. You know we’re in trouble when our sports leagues care more about the environment than our governments.

Taking sides: B.C. can be counted as a friend of Israel, says Premier Christy Clark. I’d say this was shocking but, you know, white settler colonialism and whatnot. I mean, it’s not like she cares what British Columbians think. To heck with us, right?

Nanny State alert: Call for physical barriers on the sea wall.

How does B.C.’s newly updated draft beer price minimum stack up against the rest of Canada? Spoiler alert: not so good.

Honour Bound: Survivors Totem Pole.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Big Fat Payouts And “Trendy” $800 Bachelor Suites On Main St.

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by Sean Orr | This is not an AC/DC reference: By the numbers: B.C. budget back in black. More money for welfare and teachers right? Wrong. More money for payouts. Smyth: B.C. finance minister should be more than just ‘disappointed’ about payments to public execs. The article doesn’t even mention Michael Graydon: B.C. Lottery Corp. wants $55,000 back from ex-CEO.

Debt Free BC. “The real policy problem in this province is not that we are failing to move to a debt free B.C. The policy problem is that we are incurring debt for things we don’t need”.

Related tweet of the day:

 

Why can’t EI be U and I? EI is not actually helping low-income Canadians. “The lowest-income group only receives around 16 per cent of the benefits depending on the year. The poor pay into EI while working, but they are less likely to collect benefits if they’re laid off.”

The 10 most endangered jobs of 2014: Mail carrier, newspaper reporter, lumberjack. Yeah? You forget cross border pot smuggler…

You too could live in an office lunch room of a call centre in Mumbai: $800 Trendy Main St. Furnished Bachelor. Remember, the street is trendy, not the apartment. Or you could live at 955 East Hastings, now rebranded as The Ballantyne, ironically evoking one of the most important labour battles in Vancouver’s history.

Are conservative think tanks aiming their big guns at Vancouver City Hall? Wait, they haven’t already?

Why settle for Vision Vancouver or the NPA?. You’re talking about TEAM right?

Chinese Advertisements creating controversy in West Vancouver. What do you expect from West Van, home of the British Properties, where it is still technically illegal to sell your home to a Chinese person?

Save Black Dog Video. Sorry, I gave all my money to the potato salad guy.

(Top image: coyote seen off the Olympic Village seawall last night)

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Secret Swimming Spots & The Joys Of Political Masturbation

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by Sean Orr | In The Province newspaper: Point, Counter Lapointe. It’s comforting to see that our newspapers are reducing the local political landscape to a contest of retail store brands. Apparently, this election is Hill’s of Kerrisdale meets The Running Room versus Mountain Equipment Co-Op meets Moore’s Clothing for Men. As far as I’m concerned, all I see is a couple of bone monsters covered in flesh.

Hyperbole alert: Decision 2014: Another Nail in the Vision Vancouver Coffin. We all masturbate, but few of us do it so messily in the form of blog posts.

Spot me, bro: Vancouver’s ‘Spot Zoning’ Is Corrupting Its Soul. “The rules for development in Vancouver appear to have become: Go big and cough up lots of CAC, or go home…” I just coughed up a little CAC reading that sentence.

To be fair, our soul has been corrupt for a long time now. To wit: Square Watermelons Sell For $200 In Vancouver.

Related: get your pitchforks ready.

TL;DR: Why Canada isn’t immune to a U.S.-style housing crash.

Inevitable Tweet of the Day:

Vancouver officials crack down on ‘Beer Island’. It would suck if we had to change Scout’s Beer Island entry in the Lexicon to “By-law Island”. Clean your shit up!

Bored In Vancouver gets flack for revealing the locations of some of Vancouver’s not-so-secret swimming holes.

Graffiti on Dude Chilling Park sign cleaned. Yo dawg, I heard you like art so I’m putting a re-vandalized version of your fake sign next to your fake sign.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Urban Noise & Old Journalists Who Have Never Smoked Weed

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by Sean Orr | Traffic: British Columbians headed south on the road to legal weed will need to beware of a few potholes. Get it? Potholes!!! Apparently, The Province newspaper thinks you’re all the stupidest people on the planet. But then that’s nothing new. They also think that your pot dealer will try and upsell you to cocaine, or even meth. They probably got this notion from watching After-School Specials.

(Hilariously) related: Man buys legal recreational marijuana, loses job after media coverage. “I am number one and nobody can take that…” You and Nelly, my brother.

You too can be the most overrated rockstar in the entire world! Chad Kroeger’s former home in Abbotsford hits market for $9 million. Perhaps the City of Abbotsford could make this their new homeless shelter?

Meanwhile, New Affordable Housing Agency to address need for new homes, says Mayor. There is a need. Agency dismissed! “Agency to prioritize 2500 affordable homes for families of low, moderate income”. Here’s Wisemonkey and Pulp Fiction to clarify that for you:

Compass Card rollout delayed again. For some reason – like I’m a journalist or something – I had the bright idea of googling Cubic Corporation, the company responsible for Compass, and found this awesome slide show.

Is it any wonder that the military industrial complex wants in on this honeypot? Transit Police Report Riders to Immigration Nearly Every Day. That is so not fare. And here I was boycotting Arizona Ice Tea

Isn’t “urban noise” an oxymoron? Sounds of silence a challenge in Vancouver. No mention of that bloody noon O Canada horn that wakes me up every…er…morning. Or the Seabus horn. Or the Steam Clock. Or the garbage trucks at 6am. Or the United We Can alley cleaners. Or the Nine O’Clock Gun that scares my cat. Or the Gastown Grand Prix that is driving Lambos into ladies outside my house as I write this…

Injured B.C. cyclist posts photo on Facebook of SUV and driver that hit him. No, but bikes are the dangerous ones…

Related: Why Bikes Make Smart People Say Dumb Things.

Under Tariff 8, Barenaked Ladies would need 9,216 plays of “If I Had $1,000,000? to earn enough royalties to buy one box of Kraft Dinner. “But how many spins would they need for Steven Page to get a bag of cocaine”? – Trevor Risk

Canadian Dad Publishes Worst Concert Review Ever. That would be enough for a harmless chuckle if the author wasn’t also on the Polaris Prize jury (thanks to Alan Ranta for that one).

The Westender is funny? 11 things BuzzFeed has wrong about Vancouver.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Civic Engagements & Railroading Through Our Neighbourhoods

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by Sean Orr | Original city-builders vs. the new city builders: CP Rail orders Arbutus corridor community gardens, property, businesses to be removed. It’s rumoured that the trains will be outfitted to roll some coal.

And in other land-grab news: Will Conservatives pay a political price for handing over Granville Island to Port Metro Vancouver? A little background on the Granville Island Trust.

Transit police don’t like it when you tweet about fare checks. They’d rather you join this Facebook group! “We remove hundreds of criminals from the system each year after finding them without fare”. Um, not paying your fare is not a crime. Why am I surprised a cop doesn’t know the law? Also, this.

ESL students in the majority at more than 60 schools in Metro Vancouver. “Use our interactive tool to compare rates of ESL, special needs and gifted children”, so you can decide the appropriate level of outrage that you should be feeling!

Alex G. Tsakumis: Breakdown of Gregor Robertson’s Marriage. “In Vancouver, the fifth estate does not trade on the vicissitudes of human misery for the content of their publication, or broadcast outlet, and neither do members of the political class…” Me, too! I’ll trade on a tweet instead…

 

Meanwhile, Activists take control of COPE, filling most executive positions. Is “activist” in this context supposed to be an epithet? Maybe the federal NDP could learn a thing or two, instead of praising Tony Blair’s Third Way.

Will new agency help Vancouver’s affordable housing crisis? ”We have some of the worst housing prices in the world in Vancouver. If we want to deal with that, we have to be innovative and quick on our feet…” Um, I’m pretty sure you guys were elected like…6 years ago. Getting on your feet would be a fine start.

Related 1: Tear Down Families: Rentals Tight, a Survival Strategy.

Related 2: Twitter parody account of the week: Trent Boderian.

Bonus: Vancouver Building Age Map.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Stumblebums And Observing The Real Manbuns Of Vancouver

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by Sean Orr | Pete McMartin in the Vancouver Sun: Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside is a ghetto made by outsiders. Did he not watch the video that accompanied his own article? Also, what the hell is a “stumblebum”, derisive anti-FDR slang from the 1930s? “Studies show scattered social housing sites are the healthiest alternative for at-risk populations”. Yeah, but studies also show that not showing the studies that don’t show what you are trying to show lead to the general public never trusting the media. Again, no mention of frozen welfare rates. No mention of the cancellation of the Canada Assistance Plan in ’93. Yet he does have some fairly nuanced points, especially regarding the scourge of NIMBYism. What usually fails in the decentralization argument is an awareness that the DTES fought for its own survival when governments and businesses had abandoned it and that the groups that acted as a band-aid in the interim are not the enemy.

Not nuanced: Money wasted on Vancouver’s DTES. Short version: ex-cop and “security expert” writes a dumb column in the 24hrs newspaper without reading any of the studies that show housing the homeless is less expensive than the status-quo. “The open-air drug bazaar in the East Hastings area that has been prevalent for the past 15 or 20 years didn’t exist when the Vancouver Police Department had control of the streets”. Not true. It seems the role of the police in the author’s eyes looks less like the one that allowed Robert Pickton to flourish and more like this: Heroic NYPD Officer Pursues Knaves on Horseback, Rescues Fair Maiden.

Meanwhile, Young tenants energize Chinatown. Hmm, I wonder if there might possibly be a synonym here for “energize”…

Check Out Vancouver’s Clever Response to Other Cities’ Mean Homeless ‘Repellents’. No thanks. Homes, not benches.

Another day, another Yellow Scare article: Why Vancouver housing is unaffordable and what to do about it. Because no white suburbanite has ever bought and flipped a house, ever. Right?

Related: Mortgages Aren’t Debt, Nearly Half Of Canadians Say. A terrifying prospect.

We’ve even turned it into a fun game: Shelley Fralic: New reality show aims to save Vancouver heritage homes. A great idea for sure, but will it be able to compete with The Real Manbuns of Vancouver?

Regarding the Tsilhqot’in Nation decisionThe claims are just. But the Supreme Court ruling means chaos. “There are British Columbians who will say, ‘Hooray!’ These are the sort who believe that money comes from banks and food comes from supermarkets and don’t understand what pays for health care”. Wrong. We know that our food comes from the land that we stole and that health care comes from governments, not outside corporate interests. As The Tyee writes: “Canada’s timber and petroleum alone have been valued at $33 trillion, yet for some reason the second most wealthy country in the world after Saudi Arabia cannot afford postal delivery, the CBC or teachers”. It’s about ending corporate giveaways, not all resource extraction ever. As Ian Mulgrew comments, “as long as the government negotiates in good faith and is willing to cut a reasonable cheque, any mine, industrial development or pipeline can proceed”.

Supreme Court Of Canada: Wal-Mart Must Pay For Closing Unionized Store. Wow, it’s almost like the justice system is working or something. Too bad the same can’t be said for south of the border.

While I tend to shy away from nationalism, this guy makes me pretty proud to be Canadian: Rob Ford gets into heated confrontation with topless jogger on Canada Day.

The only Vancouver Observer article I have ever actually read and enjoyed: I got a book contract! And I bet you can, too.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Spoiling Dive Bars & The Smoking Ruin Of Our Weed Economy

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by Sean Orr | Peter MacKay’s emails to staff: Moms change diapers, Dads form leaders. Women everywhere would be outraged, that is if they weren’t so busy running around changing diapers and making home-cooked meals…

Related: Are you suffering from Rushing Woman’s Syndrome? Yes, The Province newspaper just pathologized the modern mother. It is a sickness, ladies, and you need psychological help (and no, it has nothing to do with sustaining a a lifestyle of conspicuous consumption). Related tweet:

Eureka! Participants with mental illness, addictions thrive after being given apartments: five-year national study. They needed five years to come to that conclusion? “The findings mean residents should not be afraid of social housing mixed into neighbourhoods throughout the city”. The findings also revealed that residents should not be total NIMBY assholes who only ever look out for their best interests and harbour irrational fears about the value of their property.

Railtown: On Track to Gentrify? Wherein Vancouver Magazine reveals itself to be a recently divorced 55 year old man in a leased Porsche sadly cruising the DTES after being passed over for the role of Captain Obvious

Legalized marijuana in Washington state could hurt B.C.’s multibillion-dollar pot economy. Our mainstream media finally figures it out four years after Douglas Haddow did.

Or, What I Learned About Capitalism By Walking Into A Starbucks And Screaming ‘Capitalism!’ At The Barista Over And Over Until They Had To Call The Police.

“You can be rich too, you just gotta believe really hard”: S**t Harper Did Punks Tories With Action Plan Parody Website.

Smoked bannock and mirrors: City of Vancouver formally declares city is on unceded Aboriginal territory. “Coun. Andrea Reimer of Vision Vancouver introduced the motion and said she isn’t concerned about possible legal ramifications of declaring the city is on unceded territory because Vancouver is not involved in treaty negotiations and has no such authority over land”. Which is to say the move is about as impactful as declaring Vancouver a unicorn-friendly sanctuary.

More good news that I’m too cynical to properly enjoy: Supreme Court expands land-title rights in unanimous ruling. “If the Aboriginal group does not consent to the use, the government’s only recourse is to establish that the proposed incursion on the land is justified”. Justified, eh? So…like, a pipeline?

Vancity Buzz tries its hand at Columbusing with potentially terrifying consequences: 8 Must-try Dive Bars in Vancouver. Jackalope a dive bar? They just opened a couple of months ago and serve kale eggs benedict, craft beer, and Belgian waffles. What’s wrong with you? Try West Bar, Grand Union, Funky Winkerbeans, The Savoy, Balmoral, or The Empress. Or don’t. Actually, please don’t.

Canada Scraps Work Permit Requirements for Touring Musicians. Now if we can only get the USA to reciprocate.

Bonus: SFU Profs reading mean reviews about themselves.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Making A Mess Of “Happy Hour” And Spilling Irony Everywhere

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by Sean OrrOil spill clean-up ship hit sandbar en route to government news conference in Vancouver. What the article doesn’t mention is that the ship accidentally spilled 36 megatons of unrefined irony.

Postmedia Gets Away With Running Unmarked Oil Advertorials. I’d hardly say they got away with it. It made it onto Tea & Two Slices after all! “Readers expect news organizations to maintain their first loyalty to citizens…” Well, there’s your first mistake right there.

A relationship cut short in B.C. with one fell swoop by Enbridge. The author makes it seem like the Haisla and Enbridge were walking down the aisle in holy matrimony until some jerk stood up and yelled “Yo, I fucked the bride! Hahaha!”

Why Are BC’s Natural Resource Officers Buying Bulletproof Vests? Especially when what they really need are leaflet-proof vests.

BC’s formal response to the mayors’ transit plan. Reads like: “Aw, thank guys for cute report but forgot include MOAR LANES…”

The Problem Isn’t Vancouver’s Astronomical Housing Costs— It’s the People Who Buy Them. I only glanced through this Op-Ed because I first “Command-F” searched it for mentions of CMHC, mortgage, wages, and welfare and found no matches. Also, the author is dreaming if be thinks Amazon will pay all its Vancouver employees 100k.

A premium on logic: Unhappy hour comes to B.C. pubs that must now raise prices. Ah yes, the old bureaucratic cash grab under the guise of public safety. As if hipsters and winos aren’t just going to drink in the alley behind the bar instead…

Quote of the week from Nicholas Ellan:

Tonight the City of Vancouver held its first annual Awards of Excellence. Two “Freedom of the City” awards for special achievement were presented: one to Judy Graves for her tireless and selfless work as a housing advocate for Vancouver’s homeless; and one to Jim Pattison, for being rich as fuck.

I love that this is a thing: Grouse Grind: Mountaintop resort profits from a trail paid for by Metro Vancouver taxpayers.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Street Vending & No Money For Teachers (Because Oysters)

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by Sean Orr | Deceit on the half-shell: B.C. taxpayers on the hook for iTunes downloads, oysters and Hooters. Who uses iTunes anyway? Typical elitist. Why cant she just download tracks illegally like everyone else?

All that money for shellfish, and nothing for teachers? What B.C. Public School Classrooms Look Like Without Stuff Bought By Teachers.

Remember that this teacher’s strike is really Christy’s strike: Premier Christy Clark involved in BCTF strike strategy. Meanwhile, Hodor Supports B.C. Teachers.

And with that I will reward you with The 14 Best Hodor Quotes From “Game Of Thrones”.

Meanwhile, Public funding of private schools is a smart policy. I literally can’t even right now.

United We Can bottle depot moves, street vending increases. “The recent relocation of the United We Can bottle depot was expected to reduce congestion and street vending on the block where the depot was located (…) instead, the depot’s move has been followed by an increase in street vending and other illegal activity…” Oh, weird. So…if people can’t supplement their criminally low income from Welfare by legitimate means they’ll do so by illegal means? OK, has anyone involved in this process ever taken, like, one sociology class? Did they not see that coming? I mean, when will you learn?

NPA caucus is expelling school trustees Ken Denike, Sophia Woo. Woo! Shame on them for saying a proposed board policy designed to address the bullying of children based on their sexual orientation and/or gender identity would hurt real estate prices.

But then again, shame on The Globe and Mail for saying it would help real estate prices: How rainbow flags on Vancouver schools would boost real estate.

If you think co-opting the oppression of any marginalized group to fuel economic self-interest you might need a primer: Gender Diversity 101.

Speaking of marginalized: Aboriginals “(cannot) claim to have ancestors who were the ‘first’ people,” says letter to the editor that ran twice. Yeah, I mean, clearly, Australopithecus were the first people…

Related: A Tribe Called Red Accused Of Racism Over ‘Caucasians’ T-Shirt. Oh, I see their talking about…duhm duhm duuuuh, reverse racism!

Set up to fail: Police watchdog team turning on their master — is the IIO already doomed?. Who investigates the people who investigate the investigators? “Rosenthal explained that as a young lawyer he quickly gravitated toward white-collar crime and ‘holding the most powerful to account.’” The picture they ran with the story is the wrong one. It should be this one.

World Cup of Losers: Fight breaks out during a World Cup game. That headline should read: Granville Street breaks out during a World Cup game. Hmm, maybe they should have watched the game at a weed dispensary instead.

Honour Bound: Forest and the Femme Society takes Downtown Eastside women to the great outdoors.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Homeless Spikes & ‘Real Housewives’ As Civic Embarrassments

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by Sean Orr | The power of positive negative thinking: Why are so many Vancouver-area yoga studios closing their doors? Or, have we reached peak yoga? Is this a truer economic barometer than the housing market? Should we all get into child’s pose now? Omm….

Coming to a neighbourhood near you: Anti-homeless ‘spikes’ cause controversy in Montreal. Perhaps all our out-of-work yogis can start teaching the homeless the ancient yogic art of lying on a bed of nails.

Listen to this: Reality Check – The Homeless Sanctuary That Is Vancouver — in which Bruce Allen of CKNW embarrasses himself with feverish malice for the city’s less fortunate. Vancouver has a drug problem, Bruce, but blaming addicts and the homeless (the real victims of the drug war) is asinine. Ignoring frozen welfare rates, the lack of a national housing plan, the cost of living, renovictions, residential school abuse, and the myriad other reasons as to why someone might become or remain homeless in Vancouver is reckless, feckless, and the kind of thing that leads to violence.

Meanwhile, Real Housewives of Vancouver star Mary Zilba doesn’t think Tuesday’s shooting is related to the recent East Van shooting of Mia Deakin – the daughter of one of her fellow Real Housewives of Vancouver cast members. But she did say that the latter was related to gang activity, and that has opened her up to a defamation lawsuit, about which nobody will ever give a shit.

Are you happy that average Canadians only start working for themselves on June 10? Hmm, interesting question you’ve posed there, corporate newspaper! Maybe a more appropriate one would read as follows: are you happy that most corporate CEOs start working for themselves on January 29th?

B.C. group pitches $10-billion ‘environmentally responsible’ refinery. Does this just expose the contradictions inherent in green capitalism, or is it the result of massive public pressure and a step in the right direction? (Asking rhetorical questions makes me sound smart).

B.C. lawyers vote against TWU law school. Question: if lawyers are the scum of the earth, what does that make Christian lawyers?

Even the wolves are on island time, man: B.C.’s Island wolves are way more laid back than ‘big buggers’ on the grizzly-competing mainland.

Glove it or leave it: Burnaby cat burglar stealing gloves.

Honour Bound: Culver City Salads Goes Solar.

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