TEA & TWO SLICES | On White Privilege And Canadians Against Alcohol In Campgrounds

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by Sean Orr | I, for one, will not be celebrating Canada Day this year: Campground booze bans supported by most Canadians. What the article doesn’t say is that when polling companies use the words “most Canadians”, they really mean a lot of old curmudgeons who neither camp nor screen their calls to avoid having to talk to pollsters.

Related: Rex Murphy: Check your bigotry. Ah yes, the old reverse racism card. “You will find its most feverish exemplars in the very citadels of reason, the modern-day university campus.” Too bad he can’t cite a single one. “What part of the great DNA chain, specifically, houses the gene for white privilege?” It’s not DNA, Rex, but history. Remember the Residential Schools, the Head Tax, the Chinese Exclusion Act, Japanese Internment, and the Highway of Tears? It seems as though Rex Murphy is living in a vacuum.

See also: Louis C.K. ”If you’re white and you don’t admit that it’s great, you’re an asshole.” I mean, if there’s a Buzzfeed list on white privilege, you probably don’t need a National Post editorial to counter it. And don’t even get me started on “colourblindness“…

White privilege is never being duped into being a Temporary Foreign Worker: Film company accused of foreign worker fraud, extortion.

White privilege means there will never be a covenant against you owning a house: B.C. property titles bear reminders of a time when race-based covenants kept neighbourhoods white. Yeah, but when you write a story about racism, it’s probably best that you omit unverifiable generalities such as “…in a market where most of the home-buying is done by Asians…”

“We have to admit that some of this blame on ‘foreign ownership’ overlaps with xenophobic and racist language”: Vancouver Foreign Buyers- Driving Speculation and Unaffordability? For me, white privilege is my spell-check not understanding the word “unaffordability”.

Let’s call it globalism: Real Estate goes Global. “When price-to-income or price-to-rent ratios get out of whack, it’s often a sign of a housing bubble. But the story in Vancouver is more interesting…” And by interesting they mean utterly depressing: “What hedge cities offer is social and political stability, and, in the case of Vancouver, it also offers long-term protection against climate change…” Oh, cool! I had no idea that we were immune.

Just the tipper: Restaurateur Colin Shandler to challenge Gregor Robertson for Vancouver mayor.

Why do school teachers believe they deserve free parking? Maybe they should start charging parents for extra curricular activities instead of volunteering their time. Then we’ll see who’s really entitled.

Coupland does it again: Vancouver artist Douglas Coupland wants people to stick chewing gum on giant sculpture of his head. Sounds quirky and original, right? Wrong. Local artists Drew Shaffer and Chris von Szombathy did almost the exact same thing two years ago at Catalog Gallery.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Peacekeeping And Our Civic Election Being Decided By Big Oil

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by Sean Orr | From middle path to middle finger: Canada’s ‘Middle-Path’ Foreign Policy Days Are ‘Gone’. Yeah? No shit. Canada as a peacekeeping nation is a myth. But I guess it’s at least comforting to hear it from the horse’s mouth.

NDP Broke Rules On Taxpayer-Funded Activities. I guess that makes the NDP a real party now? Welcome to the club, guys!

RIP, peace: No Enbridge might have been the last peaceful Northern Gateway protest. Well, if what is happening in Australia is any indication: Hundreds of police to break Bentley blockade. Meanwhile, back at the ranch: Los Angeles Oil Spill Sends 10,000 Gallons Of Crude Into City Streets. And just when you thought LA couldn’t get any greasier…

Political tool: Vancouver mother gives small daughter sign at anti-oil protest reading “Fuck Enbridge”. “Nothing makes me angrier than adults using children as political tools,” writes blogger BC Blue (while doing exactly that).

Pass the petro-buck: Vancouver to ask federal government for referendum on Kinder Morgan Trans Mountain pipeline. “The way things are in Vancouver right now, if we were to hold one during the municipal election, oil money—big oil money—would be going in and supporting one side or another…” Because, we all know how easy it is to pay off city council, right? *cough* developers *cough* And because big-oil has totally not already bought the Feds, right?

Crap College: Capilano University seizes instructor’s sculpture of president with poodle. What is it about poodles that make Vancouverites so mad?

Slumdog revisited: Creepy or misunderstood? ‘Beautiful People’ Facebook page goes voyeur on streets of Vancouver. Oh, but it’s ok. It’s just to promote a Wellness Travel Centre… “So we were thinking why not create a page that we could share it to everyone how beautiful Vancouver, B.C. is! And get more tourists to come and visit us. Make Vancouver, B.C. a must-go place on earth! [sic]” Great, just what we need…

Taken for granted: Beatroute gets denied a grant because it doesn’t charge people to read it. Perhaps that’s why they needed a grant.

Introducing: Ricochet.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Taking A Stand Against Tipping And Wreck Beach Erections

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by Sean Orr | RIP, Wreck Beach: Wreck Beach goes the full Mountie: RCMP to erect tent at famous nude enclave this summer. Let’s hope for everyone’s sake that the disappointed naturalists don’t go The Full Doukhobor in protest (and by that I don’t mean put their clothes back on).

Did Sun News Reporter Faith Goldy Compare Abortion To Rape? Good thing it doesn’t say “reporter” on her Twitter profile, because she definitely isn’t one.

Here’s another Sun News “reporter”, this time trolling a protest: Ezra Levant provokes outrage at anti-oil pipeline rally. “China is the largest greenhouse gas emitter in the world. And you don’t care.” Wrong. We obviously care enough to oppose a pipeline that would end up shipping bitumen to China. His pathetic rejoinder (and this is typical Levant) steers to the personal: “I just think you’re a bunch of morally preening, self-righteous, luxurious, rich white kids.” Hmm, so because we want to mitigate our impact on the environment, we must therefore be utopian teetotallers? Wrong again.

It’s gotten so bad that every time I look at nature I think it’s an ad for a pipeline: Canada’s $207,000 oil sands ad: Putting a price on deception. Canadians would rather drink an Iced Cap than think about the ice caps.

B.C. maintains AAA credit rating with Moody’s but outlook stays negative. Ah yes, Moody’s, who “gave the same rating to toxic mortgage pirates responsible for 2008 financial collapse”. - NDP Country.

There’s not mush-room for people like this: ‘You should have gone to jail’: B.C. Fed boss outraged former mushroom farmer is trying to ‘sleaze out’ of fine.

What’s THAT book doing in the library? Dr. Seuss among authors targeted for removal. “What are we, China?” We need to update Godwin’s Law to this: “As any discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving China increases.”

No tipping allowed at new Parksville restaurant. Customers are also invited to be Australian, arrive in groups of 10 without reservations, invent their own bizarre menu items, and drink as much hot water with lemon as they please.

Bonus: Larry Kent’s Hastings Street from 1962.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Anti-Oil Bears And The Reasoning Of Scum-Sucking Slumlords

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by Sean Orr | Living wage required for Metro Vancouver rises to $20.10 per hour. “These people won’t be able to own a house, save for retirement or save for education”. Property Virgins for life!

I’ve always wanted to live in Mount Pleasant Uptown SoMa Midtown. “Midtown is an ideal home base. This is an honest neighbourhood; a place with a noticeable lack of big-box stores and designer dog jackets…” Um, you know…except for Bow Wow Haus Dog Boutique & Small Dog Daycare not even half a block away. “But you really shouldn’t take advertising as gospel…” Ok.

Not sure why nobody cares about the wholesale gentrification of Granville Street, but it’s almost complete: Low-income Clifton Hotel residents face evictions. “What do you expect?”, owner Abolghasem Abdollahi is quoted as saying. “I’m not a charity…” Nope, you are in fact what is colloquially known in Vancouver as “a scum-sucking slumlord.”

Downtown Eastside SRO units become pricey microlofts. “Are young professionals being left out of debates around affordable housing in Vancouver?” Or, won’t someone please think of the children poor yuppies?

I, for one, am sick of being just a regular millionaire: Seven secrets of self-made multimillionaires. Thanks awfully, Globe & Mail!

Vancouver will be the first BC school district to charge teachers for parking. Wait, teachers can afford to drive? Next they’ll be complaining that they don’t get paid for extra-curricular activities…

Mayor weighs in on CP Rail possibly running trains along Arbutus. “Robertson adds it would be a ‘huge concern’ if dangerous cargo were to be carried on the tracks given it runs through the middle of several residential neighbourhoods.” Yeah, man! Keep that shit in East Van!

Bear attack at Suncor site kills 1 worker. Yes, even our bears are against the tarsands…

Bonus: Donate to Megaphone.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Mayoral Mistakes & The End Of The Chinatown Night Market

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by Sean Orr | NIMBY’s in Gastown? Go figure! Vancouver Whitecaps captain’s victory parties enraging neighbours. Or, the trouble with density and the infinitely privileged.

Mea fucking culpa: Vancouver mayor admits mistake in rushing East Van density increases. “Sometimes we move too fast. Maybe some of us drop an F-bomb every once in a while…” And hey, maybe we destroy entire neighbourhoods…big deal. Maybe you define affordability as ‘something someone can afford’…whatever. “Robertson applied a measure of humility in his speech, but he warned the alternative is to turn the city back over to the NPA, which he called “a party of angry old white men.” Hmm, as opposed to a party of smarmy old white men?

The Province chimes in: Is racism, sexism, part of the mayor’s vision?. Um, takes one to know one? Or, as Ivan Drury puts it, “Identifying a social power formation as it exists and criticizing it for that power is not oppressive, in abstract, it’s anti-oppressive.” Is it any wonder so few people vote in civic elections?

Related: Practical solutions to re-engage citizens in local elections.

Victim of Mayday Police Violence Tells his Story. What? He was taking photos? Anarchist!

Meanwhile, RJ Aquino ran for the wrong party last time, and launches new One City party, the logo of which is a little reminiscent of Obama’s, or even London’s Goatse Olympics logo.

Business is booming: How Millennials Are Changing Wall Street. Short answer: they aren’t. “Was it evidence that a new generation of socially conscious investors was changing Wall Street’s priorities? Or was it simply a shrewd new PR ploy from one of the world’s financial titans? Could it be both?” I know! Let’s ask Old Economy Steve.

Chinatown Night Market cancelled this year despite 2013 success. Bizarre how there’s no mention of all that condo development on Keefer Street. It’s hard to do a market in a construction site…

Black Dog Video fights to keep on barking. Hey kid, I’m a computer, stop all the downloading.

Also known as littering: Free Art Left Around Vancouver In Amazing Social Experiment.

Bonus: 15 worst Vancouver hip hop videos.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Our City In Decline And Oil Spills Being Good For Local Business

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by Sean Orr | The front page headline of The Province: Asians Eyeing B.C. farmland Wow. By “Asian” do they mean Han, Yamato, Ainu, Samoyeds, Korean, Tibetan, Uyghur, Kazakh, Manchu, Mongol, Persians, Arabs, Tatars, Russians, Afghans, Sarmatians, Turks, Uzbeks, Tajiks, Kirghiz, Turkmen, Uyghurs, Tamil, Urdu, Thai, Malay, Filipino, Sindh, Punjabs, Kurds, Siberians, or…you get the idea. Interestingly enough, they changed the title online to “Foreigners can buy as much B.C. farmland as they want — and they are.” Way to go.

Ceci n’est pas une pipeline: Kinder Morgan pipeline application says oil spills can have both negative and positive effects. “Spill response and clean-up creates business and employment opportunities for affected communities, regions, and clean-up service providers.” Sounds awful, but unfortunately, by the measure of the GDP, it’s actually true.

Flip-flops season: Pro-oil ‘citizens group’ flip flops on its robo-calling of BC voters. They called me and I just answered strongly disagree no matter what the question was. For example: Who will you vote for in the federal election? “Strongly disagree.” Of note, I’m now in the 35-55 year old age group, I’m an adult now.

For some reason, Piketty comes to mind: Things are looking up for the B.C. economy. Which of course translates to “things are looking up for the rich.

Meanwhile, Four minimum wage jobs are needed to support a family in Vancouver. I might as well go ahead with that vasectomy because I will never be able to afford a family.

May Day? More like M’Aidez: Police Attack May Day March Vancouver. As Nicholas Ellan says, “at least someone was getting paid a living wage for their labour.”

Not surprisingly, the only thing in the local media about it was about what went down in a completely different city: Hundreds march in Seattle for immigrant rights, minimum wage boost; police report 9 arrests.

What a bunch of meurons: Vancouver Art Gallery selects Herzog & de Meuron as architect for new facility. Oh great, now we’ll have to hear/read the word “star-chitect” ad nauseum.

Meanwhile, Vision Vancouver pays lip service to struggling artists: Protecting Vancouver’s Cultural Spaces: How we can preserve culture in a growing city. “There are entire communities of artists who do not fall under the purview of organizational funding and aren’t exactly bourgeois gallery-types either…” In other words: STOP SHUTTING DOWN DIY SPACES!

Also, this: Capilano art students shut out of graduation.

When luxury displaces luxury: Hyper-luxury units to replace 1899 mansion. 17 storeys and total 23 units. Thanks to Johnny Bark, however, we saved the tree!

Views on a Vancouver in Decline. “Personal caveat: I believed in the prospect of urban sustainability before it was fashionable…” That sounds like “I was into ___ band before they were cool.” Personal caveat: I did not read the complete article because I’m depressed enough as it is.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Cracking Down On Foreign Workers And Very Silly Dog Owners

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by Sean Orr | Labour movement versus bowel movement: McDonald’s Canada CEO calls foreign worker controversy ‘bullshit’. Which is not at all what their food is made out of, right? For more on the TFW program, see this post by Harsha Walia.

Hot pile of rubbish: Operation “Hot Pie” Closes Popular Pizza Spot. You just know some condo owner across the street complained about the noise, not realizing that filling drunk people with pizza is probably a good thing. But wait… “Now if we could only do something about those crack dealers…” Right, because that’s a totally comparable economic activity…

Related: Policing the Crisis in Vancouver. “In a context of municipal austerity and service cut-backs, the annual budget of the Vancouver Police Department has increased from $180m in 2008 to $235m in 2014.”

Renovictions on Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside aren’t stopping anytime soon. Not that it’s going to solve the crisis, but the fact that this article fails to mention the DTES Local Area Plan is pretty embarrassing. At least this this Megaphone piece looks for solutions.

Oregon county will no longer incinerate B.C.’s medical waste over reports it includes aborted fetuses. It’s not like we’re burning actual babies, because if we were I would be like, NO WAY (relax, it’s a David Cross reference).

Is this week’s Why is green so white? piece the worst article the Georgia Straight has ever published? ”Recently there has been rising concern that Vancouver is the most Asian city in North America…” Concern? Really? By whom? An “environmental movement built on white privilege and the exclusion of minority cultures…” Really? Can you provide some examples? No? I wonder what kind of Asian are you talking about, anyway?

Cutest protest ever? Dog owners protest proposed off-leash area reduction. Do dog owners have some sort of dog parasite that makes them act like self-entitled weirdos? There are ten thousand dogs in this city. Maybe chill the fuck out a little bit. [Full disclosure, Sean Orr is a cat owner]

Bike lanes made me do it: Frustration from construction, bike lanes driving spike in speeding tickets in Vancouver, say police. Perhaps it would help if you gave people going 181 km/h more than just a $400 dollar ticket.

You shall not pass: Plans for New Bridge Show It Pays to Live in Premier’s Riding. I know this is a bridge, but I just can’t get over it.

Honour Bound: Make an exception to the BC Hydro Upgrade Mandate and give SBC Restaurant Ltd. a Business License so they can operate.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Rebuilding After The Earthquake And The Silliness Of 4/20

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by Sean Orr | Guest editorial in the Vancouver Sun: Earth Day is cult indoctrination. Wherein it only takes them one paragraph to mention Stalin…

But yeah, Carlin said it better: “The planet isn’t going anywhere. We are. We’re going away. Pack your shit, folks.” Maybe the only thing wrong with environmentalists is that they are still offering hope where none exists.

Related: It’s the End of the World as We Know It…and He Feels Fine.

An inconvenient truth: Street homelessness doubles in Vancouver. DOUBLES! Wow. I actually believed Gregor could get the numbers down. What a fool I was.

But it’s cool because we’re getting free WiFi at the beach.

Safe Speculation Site: Vancouver reviews developers’ fees for community amenity contributions. Yup, Vancouver’s developers are still a bunch of CAC suckers.

Shelley Fralic: Does anyone else think 420 is reefer madness? I think 420 is super silly, too, but this is just so badly written that it makes the legalization movement look like it’s run by geniuses: “And, so, on a sober Monday morning, you reflect and wonder about the sheer lunacy of a world that criminalizes jaywalkers but has propelled an illegal drug into an acceptable social movement.” Um, jaywalking is not a criminal offence. It’s a ticketable offence, which is exactly what cops want to do with marijuana. “Forget, for a moment, all the cogent arguments on both sides…” Yes, let’s just throw out all logic and slap some vague moralism across the argument instead. And yet it gets worse: “Why would anyone bother to pass the dutchie to dopiness if it didn’t provide the warm and foggy fuzzies, a release from our cares and woes?” I read that sentence 420 times and it still doesn’t make any sense.

What’s this guy’s excuse? Man arrested for running on Skytrain Tracks. He found the shortcut!

Chinese-only sign stirs language controversy in Richmond, B.C.. I’m going to let unpaid Tea & Two Slices intern David Mattatall field this one: “As a white male I find it very offensive that I am not being targeted for advertising.” Because, according to The Province, white never goes out of style.

Related: The Best and Worst Place to be a Woman in Canada.

Vancouver Earthquake: We will rebuild.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On The City’s Biggest Eyesores And Quantifying Our Own Racism

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by Sean Orr | B.C. NDP’s Jenny Kwan, who represents one of Canada’s poorest neighbourhoods, buys $1.9M home in another riding. This is the same sort of petty indignation as when a climate change denier points out that an environmentalist drove a car (god forbid). Also, $1.9 million in Vancouver means absolutely nothing. It’s not like she represents the the new aristocracy.

Besides, Vancouver’s cheapest house already got sold…for $643,000.

Meanwhile, speculation runs rampant: Absence of data on Vancouver real estate market ‘mind boggling’. It makes life especially hard when we don’t know how many foreign buyers there because we don’t know how racist to be. Clearly, capitalism isn’t working.

Renoviction isn’t a word. Thanks to Scout’s own Vancouver Lexicon, it most definitely will be! Also, fuck the poor, right?

A constant desire to continually re-invent ourselves: Vancouver’s 10 biggest eyesores. Note the Vancouver Sun’s strange, classist overtones on this list as they include the beloved, working class Vancouver Special. Meanwhile the gaudy, green glass condos of Concord Pacific get a pass, as does the newspaper’s own ugly, ominous headquarters at 200 Granville.

Laureen Harper interrupted by protester at Internet cat video festival. “That’s a great cause but that’s another night.” Really? Can we circle the date when Conservatives will raise money for missing and murdered aboriginal women in our calendars? Or was this just an attempt to leverage her popularity?

Meanwhile, in the Guardian: Aboriginal rights a threat to Canada’s resource agenda, documents reveal. You just know that somewhere an greedy oil executive is wishing he could buy their silence for blankets and beads. Also in the Guardian: Canada becoming launch-pad of a global tar sands and oil shale frenzy. Oh great, now we’re role models for Israel? How bad can it get?

Possibly worse: Yellowknife is sitting on enough arsenic to kill every human on Earth. Yeah, but who’s got all the old lace?

The following story is just really very quite amazing, literally: Ten words to cut from your writing.

A special kind of pain to those who steal a band’s gear: Thieves steal $20,000 worth of equipment from 4 Vancouver bands.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Fear Mongering & Avoiding All Culture To Afford An Urban Life

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by Sean Orr | This is what plutocracy looks like: Elections Canada In Conflict Of Interest For Promoting Voter Turnout. Right, because consulting the electorate = manipulation. Because championing democracy = partisanship. Best reply: “Actually, the problem is who we let run for office, not the people who vote.” - Pearce

Guaranteed livable income plan possible, Ghiz confirms. I seem to remember something similar when I was a wee lad. It was called welfare.

But who needs a guaranteed income plan when you can just be a cheap SOB: How To Live In Vancouver For Cheap. Contribute nothing to local culture; do not buy art or attend live music shows or theatre performances. Tip poorly, if at all, order hot water and lemon, and eat all the free bread you can. You won’t have any friends but hey, friends are expensive and you have to buy the draining bastards birthday presents.

My frenemy Nicholas Ellan is doing a good thing: Portland Hotel Society Staff Spring into Action. I hope the dentist will be OK because I have about 230 cavities that need filling.

CBC to cut 657 jobs, will no longer compete for professional sports rights. Can we make it 658 and fire O’Leary?

Looks like the VSB is slashing the alternative City School program. That’s bad news for local weirdoes. So, to recap so far: Save PHS, save CBC, Save City School, and most of all, SAVE THE ORPHANAGE!

OREganized crime: Mining exec’s North Vancouver home sprayed by gunfire. There goes the neighbourhood.

Thousands of ‘illegal’ Chinese motorists could be driving in Richmond. And cue the indignation of a thousand racist rednecks…

Vancouver is so flighty: City Bird competition. Just don’t tell the crazy Swan Lady in Lost Lagoon that her beloveds weren’t even nominated.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Art Poodles And Gastown’s Permanent State Of Transition

by Sean OrrChristy Clark partnered in Enbridge lobbying firm before becoming BC premier. No surprises there. Frankly, I was more outraged that she was a CKNW host.

Eve Adams’s fight over $6 car wash drew PMO involvement. As Derrick O’Keefe points out: “Conservative MP shows that direct action protest works, as she stands up for her inalienable right to take $6 back from a small businessperson”.

B.C. Premier’s office defends $475K credit card bill. Please listen to this entire track as you read the above article. Thnx.

Top 10 TransLink fare evaders owe more than $73,000 in fines. ROUND THEM UP!

Gastown renewal project fuses heritage with hip. As awfully as that headline is worded, what about the part where it’s true? I was at a Gastown eatery recently and heard the owner bum on a neighbour, saying “I can’t wait for them to be gone.” I was floored. Was he not attracted to this area because it was exciting? Because there’s an element of (perceived) danger? Gastown might reek of pee, but hating on it reeks of insecurity. As Gordon Price points out “Gastown, Vancouver’s first downtown, has always been a neighbourhood in transition”.

At least we have a sense of humour about it: The story behind kale-centric Gastown shop Brassica & Co.. Reminds me of the cheeky “Live Bait and Coffee Coming Soon” and “Plus Size Men’s Lingerie Coming Soon” banners across from Woodwards.

You decide on public art on Robson Street. Ok, whatever the opposite of a poodle is, and one hundred of them.

Confessions of an Unfriendly Vancouverite. Part of me is like, yeah, but part of me is like, Vancouverites aren’t rude, you are.

A video game for Vancouver: That’s not a flappy bird, its Nimby Dog! (I apologize for this in advance).

Pair accused of sex mid-flight plead not guilty. I show you this because it has the best last-sentence of a news article I’ve ever read: “Lander lives in the tiny community of West Porters Lake, N.S., though QMI Agency could find nobody who would admit knowing her”. Snap.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Market Demand & The Man With The Hardest Sales Job In BC

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by Sean Orr | A Kinder, gentler Morgan: The long road to earning the public’s trust over pipelines. Earning the trust just means showing videos of the BC coastline with some softly spoken platitudes over top, or doing propaganda interviews in the Vancouver Sun. “And our view would be that ships have been sailing in these waters for decades without incident”. Again, complete and utter amnesia regarding Exxon. Also, this: 50 years ago today – the Port Alberni tsunami.

But yeah, that guy probably has the single most difficult job in BC. I mean, how else do you answer questions regarding greenhouse emissions in light of the most recent UN climate report with such ease as “some of them in my control, and some not” and “It’s about market demand”.

I’m not saying the following news piece is related to the above-mentioned climate report, except that I totally am: RCMP descend on native community on central coast to keep the peace in herring fishery row.

Again, it’s all about market demand: B.C. Interior’s farmland opened to development under ALR changes. As much as I want to say things like “Christy Clark has mortgaged our food security future in a blatant sellout to Alberta and the Feds”, a lot of that land just sort of sits there unused. Not that we make any money on oil and gas, either. Maybe we could put together some sort of goat ride.

Ottawa to cut healing program for residential school survivors. But that’s just because “we have no history of colonialism”, and other shit settlers said.

Vancity Buzz: Why is Skytrain breaking down so frequently. If you guys were as old as the Skytrain you wouldn’t be complaining. Oh, snap! But, yeah…if you’re going to write a lengthy opinion piece – and good on you guys for trying to do so – maybe link to a source other than one from your own blog and maybe do that more than once. If you can’t, just stick to clickbait.

Flip of the Coyne: Andrew Coyne: Fair Elections Act proof the Conservatives are no normal government. I don’t always agree with Andrew Coyne, but this is great: “This is how you get to 28% in the polls: when every criticism is only further proof that you’re right”.

The moral police have spoken: Underage drinking is wrong, mom and dad. That’s funny, because this is the exact same argument as as the one against harm reduction. Also, there’s this place called Europe…but yeah, you can choose the leaders of our government, contribute to the economy, drive a car; but you can’t have a beer. “The evidence is clear”, wherein there is no actual evidence provided. I will, however, agree with one thing: “quit trying to be your kids’ friends and start doing your jobs”. Yup. Let your kids make their own mistakes, including underage drinking. Related: Hey parents, leave those kids alone.

Canadian Cities Where An Average Income Will No Longer Buy You A House. Related: #25KLunch winners announced.

Felinies and misdemeanours: Vandals seriously damage iconic lion statues next to Lions Gate Bridge. Yeah, I’d be lion if I said I wasn’t upset by this.

Bonus: A Complete Ranking Of (Almost) Every Single Mitch Hedberg Joke. Tea & Two Slices will forever be indebted to Mitch.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Speaker Safaris And The Hubris Of Housing The Homeless

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by Sean OrrHousing staff on spending spree. No, this is not an article about the PHS. It’s from 2012. “According to a shocking and secret audit of company credit cards, B.C. Housing workers blew taxpayers’ dollars on flowers, booze and celebratory restaurant meals.” At the risk of providing ammo for free-market fundamentalists to decry the poverty industry, this highlights the hypocrisy and hubris inherent in the current PHS debate witch-hunt.

Oh, and speaking of the free-market: Business, real-estate ventures – not fraud – caused deficit at PHS. But Coleman will keep the real estate and axe all the social enterprise. How telling. Only pure capitalism allowed.

And speaking of corruption: Taxpayers charged ‘thousands’ by B.C. MLA Linda Reid for husband’s flight. I don’t want to stick my neck out here, but that picture of him with the giraffe is super adorbs.

More old news: Kevin O’Leary: He’s not a billionaire, he just plays one on TV. “The stranger told O’Leary he was a ‘total asshole.’ This is an anecdote that O’Leary relishes. It shows he’d arrived”. Only a total asshole would think getting called a total asshole means that “you’ve arrived”. I mean, what a total asshole.

White flight: Top 15 cities and towns to move away from in Canada. This reads more like a list of places to move to. Powell River is bad because only 8% of cars on the road are made after 2010?

Hmm, did The Province forget the tragedy of Johnson’s Landing already? Massive mudslide that rocked Washington State can happen here, says expert. So wait, you’re telling me that we have mountains AND rain? What are we doing about this?

Vancouver mural artist furious after Commercial Drive artwork covered in anti-pipeline graffiti again. “I’m a pacifist at heart, but there’s a part of me that would like to disable the hand that uses the spray can.” So, in other words, you are not a pacifist at heart. Best comment: “Seems like a win-win to me. The Oil Spill graffiti artist gets noticed, Basic’s mural gets noticed, and the Province gets to write another inane article on oil-spill politics.”

The serval cat’s pajamas: Criminal mastermind who calls Vancouver home draws attention of writers, filmmakers. Maybe John Malkovich could play him. I loved him in that other jewel thief movie

The closest thing to critical writing to ever appear on Vancouver Is Awesome: The problem of the beach. That’s why sometimes you gotta make your own.

Recycling regs could force a beer price hike. Recycling sucks. It’s only growlers from now on, I guess.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Hyenas Hounding The Portland Hotel Society And TED Elitism

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by Sean Orr | For all the hyenas like Pete McMartin and developer Michael Geller foaming at the mouth in light of the Portland Hotel Society’s spending details, remember that not a dollar of public money was misspent. How do I know this? Because that’s what Mark Townsend said. If anything, it looks like they need more administrative funding, not less.

Did any of the people currently jumping down the throat of the PHS even bother to ask what their former clients think? Did they think to tie this into the new Local Area Plan? Because you gotta know that the developers aren’t gonna throw in a couple of million dollars while the PHS still have their tentacles spread throughout the DTES. Also, “no community members or PHS residents on the new board”. No surprises there.

So, as McMartin asks cynically “Where was the government all this time?”, I say, exactly. Where the hell were they? And why did they show up late to the party with (might as well be) guns blazing?

An eerie parallel: All That Is Solid Melts into Condos. “As one housing activist likes to note, real estate is to New York City as oil is to Texas. No matter how big of a liberal sits in City Hall, it seems, those titans are going to call the economic shots”.

Related: Vancouver mayor Gregor Robertson to be torn down, replaced with condos.

Related part two: Do We Need to Force People to Live in the Homes They Own? I seem to remember Gregor talking about imposing a new speculation tax on empty condos, before he was the mayor.

Development porn: Top 7 Downtown Vancouver buildings under construction (photos). Only in Vancouver would this NOT be mistaken as satire.

#25KLunch memes make mockery of Gregor Robertson’s private meeting. I really regret not making that Bob “Renny” parody twitter account 4 years ago.

If you don’t have 25k, how about a 7.5k TED talk? Vancouver a perfect home for TED-style elitism.

Some good news: St. Paul’s gets mental health emergency unit. Oh, thank God. I had probably the worst night of my life there after they locked me in solitary confinement (because there were no beds available).

Not sure how this guy actually has a blog at the Vancouver Sun, but it’s pretty entertaining: Brutal press release from Health Canada shows their disdain for cannabis medicines and patients in need. Which then leads to the Craigslist of the Day: Medical Marijuana Disposal Services.

BC Ferries’ Discovery Coast debacle turns into pure farce. Let’s hear it for Beautiful BC! Come for the scenery. Stay for the incompetence.

B.C. waters show no increase in radiation after tsunami, says head of Vancouver Aquarium. Time for fear mongers to shut the Fukushima up?

And finally, the best news story ever: Fast-moving emu on the loose in Nanaimo area.

Bonus: Bottle-dash stucco.

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