TEA & TWO SLICES | On The First Day Of School And Blaming Trees For A Forest Fire

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by Sean Orr | So, how was everyone’s Working Multiple Temporary Part-Time Minimum Wage Jobs With No Benefits Day?

In case you missed it, our Premier celebrated the day by trolling teachers on Twitter and Facebook with hilarious results. If her term in office could be shortened by the acidity of Facebook comments alone, her quick removal would be assured. Here are just a few of my faves…

“Convenient that the BC Supreme Court’s decisions don’t influence the private schools your children will be attending tomorrow…”

“Blaming the teachers for this strike is like blaming the trees for a forest fire…”

“Why you so stupid Christy?”

“A contract that has a self-destruct clause is not a contract…”

“im in a private school and there handicaps…” [sic]

I could be wrong, but I’m thinking that last one was actually arguing in support of the government.

BC is not alone: Hey, premiers, leave them teachers alone!

Muckraker of the day: Peter Fassbender and the back-to-basics education movement in the ’70s. “Amid the turmoil, Fassbender introduced a motion asking the Education Ministry to restore corporal punishment (and) there was also a tiff over the way teachers were dressing”. Wow, talk about basic!

But by far the most enjoyable headline of the weekend was this amazing piece of satire journalism from the Globe and Mail: B’nai Brith CEO to nominate Harper for Nobel Peace Prize. “The Conservative government has said that its outspoken approach is part of a ‘principled’ foreign policy that means it is unafraid to choose sides in conflicts”. Because I thought it was satirical at first, I’m going to quote Alan Ranta: “Everyone knows the first step to peace is choosing one side in a conflict and condemning the other as evil”.

The requisite petition: Deny the Nomination of PM Stephen Harper for 2014 Nobel Peace Prize. Or at least nominate Putin to make it even.

SPIKED: Harper visits, ignores North. To be sure, if I was PM, the 100-day dump fire would be the first place I’d go.

It’s not leaking, it’s crying: Is B.C. Place’s multi-million dollar new roof leaking again? If we can’t even make condos without leaks, we shouldn’t expect our stadiums to be dry.

ComicCon: Vancouver Convention Centre use falls short of projections, just like other centres across North America. Nobody could have foreseen this, except for all the people who totally foresaw this.

‘Bias’ concerns led tax agency to target left-leaning think-tank. Look out Fraser Institute, you’re (totally not) next!

Impending doom of the day: Female lobster stuffed with eggs found near Bowen Island. I, for one, look forward to our new lobster overlords.

Bonus: Colourized Vancouver.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Barfing Into Fendi Bags & Affluent Kids Moving Into The DTES

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by Sean Orr | We are Tennyson’s mariners, and we’ve eaten the lotus: Vancouver is fast becoming Fat Cat City as luxury purchase opportunities pile up. If you we don’t violently vomit blood-specked rage while you read this then there is something drastically wrong with you us. “It’s kind of a high-powered game of keeping up with the Joneses — except in this case it’s keeping up with the Fendis and the Armanis”. Barf! Real, actual wealth has never needed to prostitute itself so vulgarly. What we’re seeing here instead are expensive expressions of personal insecurity…

“The edgy neighbourhood [Gastown] may once have been Vancouver’s skid row…”, the masturbatory article continues. Wrong. Skid Row is skid row. Gastown has always been Gastown. It was gentrified in the 70s, not the 2010s. ”Stylish, well-heeled Asians make up the majority of her business…” Oh, just stop it already.

Meanwhile, to our south, no one will heed this warning:

The divide between the haves and have-nots is getting worse really, really fast. In 1980, the top 1 percent controlled about 8 percent of U.S. national income. The bottom 50 percent shared about 18 percent. Today the top 1 percent share about 20 percent; the bottom 50 percent, just 12 percent.

Related: One Incredible Entrepreneur Saved This Struggling Neighborhood By Replacing Everyone In It With Affluent Twentysomethings

Just one year ago, East Shellwood was one of the poorest neighborhoods in America. Its public schools were buckling under budget cuts and the crime rate was steadily increasing, while property values had hit an all-time low.

Today, all of that has changed. East Shellwood is thriving, and shows no signs of slowing down. So what happened?

It all started when a community-minded entrepreneur by the name of Jackson Klemmer had the innovative idea to replace every single one of the area’s longtime residents with affluent twentysomethings. The rest, as they say, is history.

“I knew if we could just find some way to increase the cost of living so that poorer residents had no choice but to move out, we could completely revitalize the neighborhood by filling it with predominantly white twentysomethings,” said Klemmer, a real estate investor and community activist. “People said East Shellwood was a lost cause. But I never stopped believing in this place and the people who could potentially live here once we got rid of all the poor people.”

Related: Ayn Rand’s Capitalist Paradise Is Now a Greedy Land-Grabbing Shitstorm.

Meanwhile the Conservatives keep getting more….conservative-y: Peter MacKay Wears Gun Shirt From Group That Wants To Repeal Canada’s Firearms Laws. But…but…Justin wants to give your kids weed! Or, I see your true colours. Oh, and this is the responsible gun-owning veteran who uses his disability to sneak vodka into football games.

Meanwhile environmentalists are zealots who want to shoot people on Skytrains: The Paver, the Optimist, the Suspicious, the Skeptic and the Back-to-the-Lander. “We don’t need to tell you the resource debate can be loud and antagonistic”, so we need to be louder and more antagonistic.

Don’t look at it like you’re losing a glacier, but rather that you’re gaining a cool new lake! Decker Glacier lake at Whistler a sign of melt to come. Not sure if it’s on purpose, but that headline reminds me of Refused.

Bandwagon alert: Gregor does ice bucket challenge. Not to criticize the challenge, but I’d rather see him do the Rubble bucket challenge. Or the clean drinking water challenge. Or the Grimes challenge.

Vision Vancouver, NPA, Greens are neck and neck in council race, poll shows. “But city hall got low marks for transparency, homelessness and poverty, and “engaging with regular people”. Who paid for this poll? Who are regular people?

The NPA’s wedge issue? They are against bike counters: Vancouver bike lanes boast record summer cycling traffic. Talk about missing LaPointe.

Regarding the Arbutus Corridor, Bangkok proves that railways and community gardens can coexist.

Craigslist of the day: Cozy, spacious three-bedroom suite near UBC, SFU, Trinity Western, U of A, Berkely, and McGill for rent.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Killing Blackbirds And Promising To End Homelessness Again

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by Sean Orr | Good question: When politicians promise to run clean campaigns, what does it mean? Hmm, it probably means about as much as when they promise to end homelessness

Related tweet of the day:

Think Political Donations Are Benign? You Must Be a Politician. I’d say throw Bill Bennet in jail but he’d probably just buy his way out.

Diner en Brûlée: Firefighters respond to Vancouver’s Diner en Blanc after paper lanterns soar all over city. OK, next year we’re totally going to bring massive fans to blow the lanterns right back into their little elitist soiree. They’ll all end up looking like toasted marshmallows, and it will be adorable.

Bedroom City: Downtown Vancouver residential boom creates need for services, amenities. If only there was some sort of Yaletown-like neighbourhood only 5 minutes away.

Cirque de so Lame: City of Vancouver puts limits on Concord Pacific’s use of False Creek land. Well, if Concord Pacific are allowed to squat on the land, maybe they should re-locate the entire Oppenheimer Park tent city there. I’m sure the False Creek Residents Association would be happy to accommodate them. Right?

OSGEMEOS Transforming Industrial Silos at the Vancouver Biennale. Little do they know they’re actually pawns in Port Metro’s little PR scheme.

Double double (the profits): Burger King in Talks to Buy Tim Hortons in Canada Tax Deal. Top comment: “If BK ends up saving all that money in taxes, the wealth will trickle down to the employees, not the shareholders and executives, right?”

“At least the fries were cooked”. The Gillotine strikes again: Donnelly Group’s Blackbird bistro a fine-dining disaster.

Vancouver Island restaurant cancels its no-tipping policy. Memo to the owner: in order to have customers not tip, you’ll probably need some customers first.

Instagram of the Day: Twain on the Train.

My friend saw a Sasquatch.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Peeping Drones & Kerrisdale Likened To A Bastion Of Marxism

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by Sean Orr | Seizing the means of reduction: Urbanization: Who’d have guessed? Kerrisdale as a bastion of Marxism. It’s a good article, but seizing land is hardly a Marxist thing to do. Just ask our First Nations. Or simply watch this show for children.

Capital Regional District decides not to expropriate Grace Islet. Especially fitting that this story should published in the Times-Colonist

Speaking of expropriation: Don’t Let Rich People Own Apartments They Don’t Live In. Good idea. Maybe we could create an apartment-sharing social enterprise and call it Zipartment.

Pete McMartin: Keep our roads safe — ban cars. If it sounds like hyperbole, it is. And that’s the point. I linked to this before, and I’m doing it again: Why Bikes Make Smart People Say Dumb Things.

Making a window out of concrete: Gag order to be imposed on new RCMP transparency office. We’re going to give you this whistle, OK? And if anything seems strange, you go into this sound-proof isolation booth and blow it so nobody can hear you, OK?

Emails show federal officials worried about second Idle No More movement. Wait…does this mean that the Idle No More movement actually went idle at some point? Worried is a good word for it. Terrified is another.

Dudette Relaxing Recreation Area: Dude Chilling Park sign vandalized again. I can’t think of a better place to discuss the merits of feminism than the comments section of Vancity Buzz.

Did you see it? Huge meteor spotted across Southern BC. Are you sure it wasn’t a UFO or a peeping drone?

Steve Moore, Todd Bertuzzi Settlement Reached Decade After On-Ice Attack. Even so, Bertuzzi-ing remains a huge problem on Vancouver’s streets.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On CP Rail’s PR Fail & Another Old White Guy Whining About Weed

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by Sean Orr | Free Canada, Trade Harper: Canada’s wine industry may face restrictions if leaked EU trade deal is accurate. Are you sure you want to wake the beast within wine drinkers? Best comment: “Who cares a fiddlers foot about the wind industry” (sic).

Community hardens, rails against bullying: Arbutus Corridor Bulldozing By CP Rail Begins. Surprised there weren’t any concerned Kitsilanoans chained up to the bulldozers. If only it were a bike path

One way to really Save On Meats: Food supplier claims Save On Meats owner Mark Brand stiffed it on bills.

This hurts my noodle: ‘Pastafarian’ fights to wear colander in B.C. driver’s licence photo. For what it’s worth, I didn’t even have to strain myself to think of a pun for this one.

Salmon Cannon Shoots Fish Over Dams. That’s Right—A Fish Cannon. Yeah, I’ll believe that when Pinks fly.

Creator of SkyTrain massacre video game defends work. Well, at least he’s not the one conflating realities: “It takes place in an actual Vancouver Skytrain…” Nope. No it doesn’t. For the record, it takes place on a computer. “Is this game going to make any money?” Yeah, because that’s what really matters. “Scott joins us today from the Main Street Skytrain Station. Scott, do you see anyone – anyone at all – there today, on any sort of rampage?” “No Mike, but time can only tell…”

Concrete crashes onto sidewalk in Downtown Eastside. Is (this Concord Pacific-owned) building now a metaphor on real estate speculation and corporate squatting?

TransLink considers changing name of Evergreen Line. Hmm, they must have seen Scout’s Nevergreen Line entry.

Old white dude writes anti-pot editorial: Legalizing dope would cost everybody. “When dope is legalized in Canada, will that mean our co-workers can get stoned on the job every day, dumping more work on the rest of us?” Hey look, just because you’re legally allowed to get drunk and pen ridiculous opinion pieces doesn’t mean the rest of us are as irresponsible as you are. Also, taxes.

Has it been a year already? The Worst of Vancouver, 2014 Edition: “Winners”.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Getting Denied At Diner En Blanc And Pipeline Sentimentalism

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by Sean Orr | A guest writer in The Province is anti-anti-everything: B.C.’s anti-everything movement needs to end. He needs to be reminded that the people who are against the pipelines aren’t anti-resource. They are merely against the unsustainable and destructive practices of fracking and the tar sands. Moreso, they’re against wholesale extraction that only benefits crony corporations with no benefit to the public. “You only have to consider the facts”, he writes, offering anecdotes about mother, his friends, and a $900 mountain bike.

But then again, ‘Responsible capitalism’ is nonsense.

Kevin O’Leary leaves CBC’s The Lang & O’Leary Exchange. Awesome, now all that’s left is for him to leave Canada.

Low-hanging fruit: Rob Ford says threatening email has given him 12 hours to resign or City Hall will be blown up.

Cuts like a knife: Bryan Adams Slams Stephen Harper For Canada’s Gaza Stance. Leading to the Tweet of the day:

Schadenfreude level 10: Sold-out Diner en Blanc leaves thousands of Vancouverites seeing red. Aw, let’s all feel bad for the poor elitists who didn’t make the cut.

Did you hear the one about the mother who moved into the DTES and was surprised to find the DTES

Related: Let’s work to radically change Vancouver.

Man without tattoo found living in East Van. Sigh. Judging by the comments below the piece I think we might need a local version of Literally Unbelievable.

Craigslist of the Day: 10 / hr to sit in a car.

Bonus: Lewis Found.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Aboriginals Having It Easy And Please Show Us Your Boobs Day

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by Sean Orr | Mount Polley wants a cracker: Former Mount Polley Mine employee speaks out about the tailings pond breach. Is that egg on your face, Christy Clark? Oh, no…wait, it’s charcoal! It’s OK though, because the massive profits from oil and gas will mitigate small disasters like this, right?

Wrong: B.C. economy not fueled by oil and gas: report. “We know things are bad, worse than bad (…) Well I’m not going to leave you alone, I want you to get mad.”

Related: Sick of this market-driven world? You should be.

Inside Skytrain Control “At the heart of Vancouver’s Expo and Millennium SkyTrain Lines is an aging Pentium computer with 1992 software contained on floppy discs”. The dream of the 90s is alive at Translink”. (thanks to Nicholas Ellan)

Put through the grinder: Burnaby’s International Sausage House squares off against condo developers. I have to be franks, I’m going to links to the wurst Kids in the Hall sketch ever: Love and Sausages.

Speaking of sausages: Go Topless Day 2014 Vancouver. Yeah, because Vancity Buzz has always been a women’s issue blog (remember Hump Day Hottie?). This post only serves to bolster the misogyny that spawned the gimmicky Topless Day in the first place. Bros, please stick to telling us about Versace.

Pros and Condoms: Anti-gay activist cons way into Vancouver Pride Parade, hands out flyers disguised as condoms. Memo: pretending you are gay and marching in the super gay Pride Parade to protest being gay is extra gay.

Reasonable Doubt: Kwikwetlem chief story stokes racist tensions in Canada. Never mind that an Aboriginal in Canada can expect the RCMP at his door for posting a comment on Facebook, or that the Fraser Institute thinks Aboriginal students are well funded, or the legacy of our Residential School system — no, our outrage is instead directed at a chief who made some money. If only he was a Chief Executive Officer, then we’d be cool with it…

Related: New Law Requires Welfare Recipients To Submit Sweat To Prove How Hard They’re Looking For Job.

Little Mosque on the Hill: Kenney uses parliamentary email for Trudeau mosque slam. Is that really all you have?

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks” – Hamlet. Danish tourists say they are ‘horrified’ by Canadian car culture. Exhibit A: Vancouver driver in separated bike lane almost right-hooks cyclist.

Derp of the Day: Man found inside donation bin. Is there a local edition of the Darwin Awards?

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Gretzky Vs. Gaza And The Masturbation Habits Of Politicians

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by Sean Orr | Slurry in a hurry: Residents calling it an environmental disaster: tailings pond breach at Mount Polley Mine near Likely, BC. This raises the question of how likely was this event? Also, dear corporate media, this might be a good time to bring up the spectre of tax breaks and subsidies for mining corporations in BC.

Satyricon: Convicts to replace B.C. teachers says Christie Clark. Almost as good as this: Miss USA 2011 — Should Math Be Taught In Schools?

Related: Christy Clark and Gordon Campbell tied for worst premier of B.C.. You can do it, Christy! Break the stalemate!

Another poll: British Columbians are not too optimistic. You know what they say, when you’re chewing on life’s gristle, don’t grumble, give a whistle! Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.

Rationalization is everything: When context is everything. Wherein mayoral candidate Lapointe compares a photo-op to de-sensitize the public to gay men kissing with a corporate publicity stunt. I mean, heaven forbid there is something in your past *cough masturbation video cough* that you might need to answer for. “We do not take a hostile view to homosexuality”. Oh great! What a marvellously progressive stance for a journalist to take! “Would it be different today? Of course. Society has thankfully evolved.” With no thanks to you.

No mainstream media outlets are reporting that local mothers and families are currently occupying MP Don Davies to protest Canadian support of the Israeli offensive in Gaza because Wayne Gretzky’s daughter’s boyfriend is a badass who clearly needs to get his act together or the damn wedding is off.

Related tweet of the day:

 

Metro Vancouver’s homeless community less transient than commonly believed. In which the Vancouver Sun spoils the lifelong image I’ve had of them riding the railroads playing harmonicas with polka-dotted bindles on their backs.

On being and nothingness: The floating life of affluent ‘transnational’ migrants. “New demographic: They are ‘global elites’, but such quasi-immigrants often lead unsatisfying, complex lives”. Oh well, as long as they aren’t happy. That’s all that really matters.

Listing of the day: Trendy 3 storey building with ground floor retail for sale. That either makes the following ironic or incredibly prophetic…

Cube Living: “On February 19 Grünenfelder began a limited release of micro-properties measuring 1 cubic foot. This innovative product addresses the stagnation and endemic unaffordability of Vancouver’s real estate market. In developing a spatial commodity that can be purchased in very small units, Cube Living is able to offer affordable properties at prices under $50! Micro-properties are an accessible solution to the inflated real estate market crisis that threatens to push Vancouver’s economy into decline”.

How Vancouver’s traffic nightmares hurt all of B.C.. Hmm, how about making public transit free?

Price weighs in with a fair counterpoint: ”We have next to zero tolerance for failure in our transit system if it happens even once or twice a year, while accepting the daily failure of a road-based system where every vehicle is a weak link. Each weekday, helicopters provide live images of accidents and back-ups; radio reports on the delays that affect thousands”.

Bonus: Most hated teams in the NHL by province, country and continent.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Putting An End To Whale Humping And Evil Hipster Landlords

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by Sean Orr | Unfortunate self-fulfilling prophecy: Suspect sought after man stabbed on SkyTrain following Honda Celebration of Light fireworks show. Not saying we told you so, except that we totally told you so.

Forget class sizes, I’m concerned about the size of her crass: Premier’s joke falls flat with Penticton teachers.”It took them awhile to find us. We were here for three days. So I hope none of them are teaching geography’ Clark said, drawing a round of laughter and applause”. That’s almost as funny as a Premier who never earned a university degree talking about education.

Related: photo of the day.

B.C. teachers’ strike: parents to get $40 a day if strike continues. Oh, I get it. So teachers are really just glorified babysitters. That’s good to know.

In Vancouver, race undercuts the discussion on real estate affordability. Any movement that forgets about class is a bowel movement. Quote of the decade by Sid Chow Tan: “Bob Rennie standing up for the Chinese community? What Chinese community? Real estate investors and landowners. That’s the community he’s standing up for.”

Related Craigslist of the Day: “Thanks for gentrifying me out of my home you stupid fucking hipster rich kid evil landlord fuckwads.”

Related tweet of the day:

 

Tent city occupants have law on their side. Did the Vancouver Sun really just post an opinion piece by Harsha Walia? Is it really that hot out?

Occupier given city-paid phone. Wait, who are the occupiers again?

Troubled waters: Nuclear radiation found in B.C. may pose health concerns. Concerning to be sure, but the biggest concern is the following: “Recent federal government cutbacks have placed a greater burden of testing and monitoring for aquatic impacts on academics, non-governmental organizations and even private citizens”. I spent all my money on a geiger counter. Now I can’t afford to eat.

I really wish I could take a side on this whole Whales in Captivity thing. This might make it easier: Aquarium CEO likens transfer of Bjossa to trading Wayne Gretzky. That is, of course, if Wayne Gretzky was held captive inside the LA Kings dressing room and then died two years later instead of, you know, retiring as a millionaire.

But wait, he’s not done yet: Park Board Picks a Fight With Mother Nature. “For the Park Board to stop whales and dolphins from doing what comes naturally is like telling Park Board commissioners not to have sex, ever. It’s unnatural”. Wait, artificial insemination is natural?

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Living Dangerously In A Nanny State With Terrible Newspapers

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by Sean Orr | I apologise for my lack of posts last week. God forbid you had to read The Province all by yourself! My computer shut down on the same day as the Great Skytrain Crash of 2014. It turns out my little Macbook was also running the entire SkyTrain system. No wonder it was so slow!

I demand answers. I just don’t want to pay for them: TransLink to pay independent expert $1,200 a day to review SkyTrain outages. Apparently $1,200 gets you such Orwellian tidbits as: “We’re going to start to communicate out as you would in any travel what plans you need to make”. What?

Imagine being “put out on the street”? Oppenheimer park protest puts Powell Street Festival out on the street. Actually, if you bothered to ask the festival organizers, they voluntarily pulled out of the park in solidarity with the protesters. Gee, way to be bad at being a newspaper.

“We should get first dibs” – actual quote from an actual adult. Vancouver House tower makes enemies before it’s built by targeting Asian buyers. Wow, people hate when they’re not marketed to? “Vancouver House’s star architect, Bjarke Ingels, suggests the building is symbolic of ‘a giant curtain, at the moment of being pulled back to reveal the world to Vancouver and Vancouver to the world”. And behind that curtain? A xenophobic wizard named Oz who artificially inflates home-prices at will, forcing our little Dorothy of a fishing village to grow up beyond recognition. Click your heels Vancouver, because there’s no place like home.

But we will take your workers: BC and China sign MOU to allow foreign workers to expand LNG industry. Best comment: “What the hell did our grandparents and great grandparents fight WW2 for? I thought it was a war against communism?” Fascism, buddy. You mean fascism.

I hate it when they do that: Someone at the Fraser Institute accidentally blurted out a good idea. “Environmental and social benefits? Looking beyond narrow financial perspectives? Perish the thought!”

NHL: Climate change is going to cause serious problems for hockey. You know we’re in trouble when our sports leagues care more about the environment than our governments.

Taking sides: B.C. can be counted as a friend of Israel, says Premier Christy Clark. I’d say this was shocking but, you know, white settler colonialism and whatnot. I mean, it’s not like she cares what British Columbians think. To heck with us, right?

Nanny State alert: Call for physical barriers on the sea wall.

How does B.C.’s newly updated draft beer price minimum stack up against the rest of Canada? Spoiler alert: not so good.

Honour Bound: Survivors Totem Pole.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Big Fat Payouts And “Trendy” $800 Bachelor Suites On Main St.

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by Sean Orr | This is not an AC/DC reference: By the numbers: B.C. budget back in black. More money for welfare and teachers right? Wrong. More money for payouts. Smyth: B.C. finance minister should be more than just ‘disappointed’ about payments to public execs. The article doesn’t even mention Michael Graydon: B.C. Lottery Corp. wants $55,000 back from ex-CEO.

Debt Free BC. “The real policy problem in this province is not that we are failing to move to a debt free B.C. The policy problem is that we are incurring debt for things we don’t need”.

Related tweet of the day:

 

Why can’t EI be U and I? EI is not actually helping low-income Canadians. “The lowest-income group only receives around 16 per cent of the benefits depending on the year. The poor pay into EI while working, but they are less likely to collect benefits if they’re laid off.”

The 10 most endangered jobs of 2014: Mail carrier, newspaper reporter, lumberjack. Yeah? You forget cross border pot smuggler…

You too could live in an office lunch room of a call centre in Mumbai: $800 Trendy Main St. Furnished Bachelor. Remember, the street is trendy, not the apartment. Or you could live at 955 East Hastings, now rebranded as The Ballantyne, ironically evoking one of the most important labour battles in Vancouver’s history.

Are conservative think tanks aiming their big guns at Vancouver City Hall? Wait, they haven’t already?

Why settle for Vision Vancouver or the NPA?. You’re talking about TEAM right?

Chinese Advertisements creating controversy in West Vancouver. What do you expect from West Van, home of the British Properties, where it is still technically illegal to sell your home to a Chinese person?

Save Black Dog Video. Sorry, I gave all my money to the potato salad guy.

(Top image: coyote seen off the Olympic Village seawall last night)

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Secret Swimming Spots & The Joys Of Political Masturbation

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by Sean Orr | In The Province newspaper: Point, Counter Lapointe. It’s comforting to see that our newspapers are reducing the local political landscape to a contest of retail store brands. Apparently, this election is Hill’s of Kerrisdale meets The Running Room versus Mountain Equipment Co-Op meets Moore’s Clothing for Men. As far as I’m concerned, all I see is a couple of bone monsters covered in flesh.

Hyperbole alert: Decision 2014: Another Nail in the Vision Vancouver Coffin. We all masturbate, but few of us do it so messily in the form of blog posts.

Spot me, bro: Vancouver’s ‘Spot Zoning’ Is Corrupting Its Soul. “The rules for development in Vancouver appear to have become: Go big and cough up lots of CAC, or go home…” I just coughed up a little CAC reading that sentence.

To be fair, our soul has been corrupt for a long time now. To wit: Square Watermelons Sell For $200 In Vancouver.

Related: get your pitchforks ready.

TL;DR: Why Canada isn’t immune to a U.S.-style housing crash.

Inevitable Tweet of the Day:

Vancouver officials crack down on ‘Beer Island’. It would suck if we had to change Scout’s Beer Island entry in the Lexicon to “By-law Island”. Clean your shit up!

Bored In Vancouver gets flack for revealing the locations of some of Vancouver’s not-so-secret swimming holes.

Graffiti on Dude Chilling Park sign cleaned. Yo dawg, I heard you like art so I’m putting a re-vandalized version of your fake sign next to your fake sign.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Urban Noise & Old Journalists Who Have Never Smoked Weed

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by Sean Orr | Traffic: British Columbians headed south on the road to legal weed will need to beware of a few potholes. Get it? Potholes!!! Apparently, The Province newspaper thinks you’re all the stupidest people on the planet. But then that’s nothing new. They also think that your pot dealer will try and upsell you to cocaine, or even meth. They probably got this notion from watching After-School Specials.

(Hilariously) related: Man buys legal recreational marijuana, loses job after media coverage. “I am number one and nobody can take that…” You and Nelly, my brother.

You too can be the most overrated rockstar in the entire world! Chad Kroeger’s former home in Abbotsford hits market for $9 million. Perhaps the City of Abbotsford could make this their new homeless shelter?

Meanwhile, New Affordable Housing Agency to address need for new homes, says Mayor. There is a need. Agency dismissed! “Agency to prioritize 2500 affordable homes for families of low, moderate income”. Here’s Wisemonkey and Pulp Fiction to clarify that for you:

Compass Card rollout delayed again. For some reason – like I’m a journalist or something – I had the bright idea of googling Cubic Corporation, the company responsible for Compass, and found this awesome slide show.

Is it any wonder that the military industrial complex wants in on this honeypot? Transit Police Report Riders to Immigration Nearly Every Day. That is so not fare. And here I was boycotting Arizona Ice Tea

Isn’t “urban noise” an oxymoron? Sounds of silence a challenge in Vancouver. No mention of that bloody noon O Canada horn that wakes me up every…er…morning. Or the Seabus horn. Or the Steam Clock. Or the garbage trucks at 6am. Or the United We Can alley cleaners. Or the Nine O’Clock Gun that scares my cat. Or the Gastown Grand Prix that is driving Lambos into ladies outside my house as I write this…

Injured B.C. cyclist posts photo on Facebook of SUV and driver that hit him. No, but bikes are the dangerous ones…

Related: Why Bikes Make Smart People Say Dumb Things.

Under Tariff 8, Barenaked Ladies would need 9,216 plays of “If I Had $1,000,000? to earn enough royalties to buy one box of Kraft Dinner. “But how many spins would they need for Steven Page to get a bag of cocaine”? – Trevor Risk

Canadian Dad Publishes Worst Concert Review Ever. That would be enough for a harmless chuckle if the author wasn’t also on the Polaris Prize jury (thanks to Alan Ranta for that one).

The Westender is funny? 11 things BuzzFeed has wrong about Vancouver.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Civic Engagements & Railroading Through Our Neighbourhoods

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by Sean Orr | Original city-builders vs. the new city builders: CP Rail orders Arbutus corridor community gardens, property, businesses to be removed. It’s rumoured that the trains will be outfitted to roll some coal.

And in other land-grab news: Will Conservatives pay a political price for handing over Granville Island to Port Metro Vancouver? A little background on the Granville Island Trust.

Transit police don’t like it when you tweet about fare checks. They’d rather you join this Facebook group! “We remove hundreds of criminals from the system each year after finding them without fare”. Um, not paying your fare is not a crime. Why am I surprised a cop doesn’t know the law? Also, this.

ESL students in the majority at more than 60 schools in Metro Vancouver. “Use our interactive tool to compare rates of ESL, special needs and gifted children”, so you can decide the appropriate level of outrage that you should be feeling!

Alex G. Tsakumis: Breakdown of Gregor Robertson’s Marriage. “In Vancouver, the fifth estate does not trade on the vicissitudes of human misery for the content of their publication, or broadcast outlet, and neither do members of the political class…” Me, too! I’ll trade on a tweet instead…

 

Meanwhile, Activists take control of COPE, filling most executive positions. Is “activist” in this context supposed to be an epithet? Maybe the federal NDP could learn a thing or two, instead of praising Tony Blair’s Third Way.

Will new agency help Vancouver’s affordable housing crisis? ”We have some of the worst housing prices in the world in Vancouver. If we want to deal with that, we have to be innovative and quick on our feet…” Um, I’m pretty sure you guys were elected like…6 years ago. Getting on your feet would be a fine start.

Related 1: Tear Down Families: Rentals Tight, a Survival Strategy.

Related 2: Twitter parody account of the week: Trent Boderian.

Bonus: Vancouver Building Age Map.

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