TEA & TWO SLICES | On Jingo Journalism And Councillors Setting Themselves On Fire

November 19, 2014 

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by Sean Orr | Analysis paralysis: Vancouver municipal election campaigns cost almost $5 million but led to very little change on council. Hey man, the status quo ain’t cheap, and I ain’t complaining.

Kirk LaPointe channels Biggie Smalls: It was all a dream, I used to read Word Up Magazine…

So it was just you that was tired and not your ideas? I see…

Hyperbole much? Decision 2014, The Aftermath: A Permanent, Dystopian Nightmare. Seriously, I’ve been reading Ray Tomlin’s blog for months now and I still don’t know if it’s satire or not.

Bill Tieleman knows a thing or two about losing campaigns: Vision lost school and park boards from split vote. Or…you know, because people didn’t want to vote for them.

Role model: Newly elected B.C. councillor will light himself on fire. Ooh! Ooh! Can the rest of them do it as well?

Something’s fishy: Marineland Suing Vancouver Free Press. “One seal passed away while the four others allegedly went blind due to poor water conditions according to ex staffers…” I think that’s as good as any opportunity I will get to link to a Hootie and the Blowfish song.

Media watch: Why journalism and jingoism shouldn’t mix.

Harper’s carefully orchestrated, self-serving pantomime in Australia reveals him as the worst kind of hypocrite: rank and bellicose. But he’s a hypocrite with a lot of help — media help.

Well, since I’m on a roll posting songs that go with news articles, here’s Bellicose Minds.

Docu drama: The CBC is poised to dramatically scale back production of its cutting-edge documentaries.

Man bites ignores sign about leashing your dog: Dog dies after jumping killer ledge at BC Place. “Spooner said although there are signs around the wall warning people, dogs can’t read them…” That’s an actual quote. Someone actually just said that. Reminds me of Donna the Deer Lady. Maybe BC Place is haunted like Scottish Suicide Bridge at Overtoun.

In more animal news: Farm owner fears his horses will be “swimming in oil”. Well, then they can just pull themselves out by their bootstraps.

Pretty cocky: Vancouver Man Dressed As Rooster Offers Free Rides. Doesn’t this just end up hurting cabbies? Read this: Welcome to Taxiland. Also, Uber is evil.

Bonus: The Sointula Art Shed: Colleen Heslin & Les Ramsay.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Gregor’s Big Victory And Calling The DTES A “Failed Community”

November 17, 2014 

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by Sean Orr | I voted neigh: Gregor Robertson re-elected mare of Vancouver. Oh, c’mon you kids! Quit horsing around!

Analysis: Why Vancouver mayor Gregor Robertson won. It turns out it was because “Vision clearly held the lead in pork pie hats and skinny jeans…” Also, to borrow an old adage from the straight-edge scene, if you don’t stand for something you’ll fall for anything: “It was an energy that felt positive, as if these people were for something rather than against it…”

A case for wards? Interactive map shows you how your Vancouver neighbourhood voted. To borrow a lyric from my old band, Taxes: ”This city is divided / in two halves / east-side west-side / have-nots and the haves…”

How many people plumped? Anne Roberts: Boost your voting power by plumping.

Pregnant with power: Vancouver Aquarium breeding ban to be lifted say NPA commissioner. So you run on a platform that Vision pushes its ideology without due consultation and this is the first thing you do? I mean, not even Tea & Two Slices will take a stand on this issue (we’ll leave that to Reddit).

Solzhenitsyn rolling in his grave: Vancouver’s ‘gulag’: Canada’s poorest neighbourhood refuses to get better despite $1M a day in social spending. Once again, the mainstream press conflates the idea that maybe we shouldn’t be letting people die with enabling. “… the result was a 221-page document that expertly skirted around any mention of the Downtown Eastside as a failed community in need of a drastic turnaround. The report only mentioned the word ‘drug’ six times…” That’s funny, because your article mentions federal transfer payments, the non-existent national housing plan, frozen welfare rates, renovictions, slum lords, harm reduction, NIMBYism, and the fact that it costs more to leave people on the street than to house them a grand total of zero times. Perhaps the author – an award-winning reporter who has written stories for Reader’s Digest and the inflight magazine of a helicopter company – would rather we killed all the poor.

Meanwhile, in Opposite Land: Insite Loves People Right Where They Are.

To calm you down, here’s a Buzzfeed article about Mr. Rogers. Aw…

Totally unrelated:

The heritage battle for Chinatown. OMG, do not touch Tosi’s! Can someone copyright it as an art project? Super dis: “Almost immediately, the two (highrise) buildings in the 600-, 700-block Main go up, and they’re just basically Yaletown condos. Not even Yaletown — Yaletown has more character.”

Meanwhile, Portland Hotel Society sells Downtown Eastside building to B.C. Housing. RIP, The Only.

Speaking of audits: As CRA audits charities, there’s a scandal within a scandal. This is CRAzy.

While the CRA is disrupting the work of often tiny NGOs, the government is simultaneously laying off international tax auditors who specialized in investigating the tax avoidance strategies of 1-per-cent-ers and corporations.

Bonus: It Only Takes 175 Words for this Canadian to Lay an Epic Smackdown on Idiot Americans Who Rejected Obama for the GOP.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Following Orders & The Mayor Losing The Election On Purpose

November 12, 2014 

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by Sean Orr | What should be on the front page of every paper in BC: Homeless people’s life expectancy half of average in B.C.. Oh yeah, but “they all come here because of Vancouver’s temperate climate…” blah, blah, blah. Yeah, they come here to die is more like it.

Instead, The Province’s front page asks: Why can’t B.C.’s weather forecasters get it right more often? “Even Madryga says he doesn’t always get it right, despite being one of the most careful and cautious of forecasters…” You know what else he doesn’t get right? Climate change. He denies it, while apparently shilling for Port Metro Vancouver. But then again, maybe he’s just – cough – following orders: Canadian government orders scientists not to disclose extent of polar melting.

Energy Giant Serves Vancouver Poet & Professor Stephen Collis $5.6 Million Lawsuit for Opposing Pipeline Expansion. “Using a man’s own verse against him in a court of law? I won’t stanza for it.” – the imitable Charles Demers.

Meanwhile, This Canadian Artist Halted Pipeline Development by Copyrighting His Land as a Work of Art. Canada’s own Little Sparta.

Here’s a conspiracy theory for you: Is Gregor Robertson trying to throw the election? But here’s something to vote for! Let’s elect him and thwart his dastardly plans! Ha ha, that’ll show him!

Attack the attack: Vision Vancouver misquotes reporters on NPA attack website. Hardly. The real take away? “Vision is also attacking LaPointe for living at UBC, which means he does not pay taxes in Vancouver.” Wow. I kind of want him to be elected because it will make my job so much easier!

Speaking of attack ads: The real grassroots speak up about the Kinder Morgan plan to pipe oil through Vancouver. Don’t elect these quacks!

Meanwhile, As a Progressive, Why NOT Vote for COPE? A little bit of column A and a little bit of column B.

“Oh, there you go, bringing class into it again…” How Toronto, Vancouver and Montreal became cities split by class. I’m sure the Feds are content to let us ‘battle along economic lines’ in largely meaningless civic elections, but also Richard Florida is just…wrong.

Creative Classes: UBC’s Vantage College: Canadians need not apply. There’s a fair bit of xenophobia here, but come on, who can afford to go to UBC as it is?

I have a problem with this article: The Internet Has A “Problem” Problem. How dare you attack Too Many Cooks! It’s basically my brain. Ryan Edward Miller concurs.

Sestito tweets the answer to the universe: Tom Sestito sends, then deletes, a tweet: an exhaustive investigation. And Wendy13 of all people figures it out.

Bonus: Ranking every Canadian Heritage Minute, part one and part two.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Harper’s Jihad And Real Estate Developers Owning Our Futures

November 10, 2014 

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by Sean Orr | Well, my horoscope this week tells me to “just be content with your own viewpoint, and lighten up about proselytizing to others…” Something tells me that’s not going to happen…

After all, Harper’s Plan Means Canada Will Be Associated With War Crimes Instead of Peacekeeping. I’m guessing Harper’s not a Taurus. “The implications of this conservative ‘jihad’ are a threat to our national security on many levels…”

Author, poet, academic, and former Canadian diplomat Prof. Peter Dale Scott recently disclosed a Wikileaks cable indicating that the International Republican Institute (IRI), an off-shoot of the CIA, and a subsidiary of the National Endowment for Democracy (NED) helped install Stephen Harper as Canada’s Prime Minister.

Surprised/totally not surprised.

The slow march of fascism plods on like a Canadian Light Armoured Vehicle: Hundreds of military vehicles to be erected as Afghan war monuments. Oh, what a give away! I wonder if John McCain’s IRI gave this idea to Harper or if he thought of it all by himself. “Better to do it now than in 25 years when kids ask ‘what’s Afghanistan?’”. Captain Mark approves.

House of Hormones: Sexual Harassment Allegations Put Spotlight On Parliament Hill’s ‘Testosterone Palace’. “Green Party Leader Elizabeth May also weighed in on the matter, suggesting men can escape culpability in systems of political power…”, which is pretty much what she wished she had said regarding Jian Ghomeshi.

Tweet of the Day:

 

I have a feeling it was supposed to be about this: Dean Del Mastro resigns his seat in House of Commons before vote to suspend him. “I did not donate too much money to myself and I stand by my filings in 2008,” he told the House of Commons as he resigned. “Don’t listen to the people who are on the blogs and the haters…” Who is this guy, Taylor Swift?

Related tweet:

 

Feds brace for backlash over new immigration rules banning polygamous, forced marriages. I wonder if denying a woman’s right to choose counts as a “barbaric cultural practice”?

Related: The definitive ranking of ridiculous and misleading Conservative names for bills.

Gregor Robertson endorsed by former NPA president and ex-COPE councillor. “Back in the glory days, the NPA was a giant tent with room for everyone…” Just reading that gave me a giant tent. Not so much for Charles Demers, however: “Visionistas tweeting ex-COPE, ex-NPA stuff like it doesn’t represent a depressing flattening, a collapse of the city’s political ecosystem.”

Frances Bula: Are Gregor Robertson’s voters moving on from leftist ideals?
 Short answer: no. “The Vision Vancouver party created in 2005 was a civic version of a federal Liberal party, a centrist operation with a strong green overlay…” If only her articles were as funny as her tweets.

She’s no Stephen Quinn: Five things to know heading into the Vancouver election homestretch. On Lapointe: “I don’t think I’m alone in saying that your key policy points shouldn’t be outlined in the same tone you might describe what you just got in your last handful of Bits & Bites…”

Hey, it worked for the Cedar Party: Gregor Robertson suing mayoral rival Kirk LaPointe for defamation. How’s that whole clean campaign thing working out for you, Kirk?

The real problem? Donors wield too much influence.

Meanwhile, the Greens take to Tinder. It’s funny because I’m still not sure if I should swipe left, or right. You know, because are they left wing or right wing? Sigh.

Tinder: When to Swipe for Mr. Right. So…The Province is basically Hush Magazine at this point…

Or, perhaps more accurately, Vancity “We Need to End Homelessness” Buzz: Vancouver is top-Canadian city for sugar daddies.

Headline of the day: Sean Avery’s off-Broadway debut derailed by meltdown over pizza.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Big Oil & Medieval Attitudes Towards The Homeless Of Surrey

November 6, 2014 

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by Sean Orr | So sayeth the inimitable Dr. Steve Brule: “Can’t find a job, work for free, dummy!” Unpaid work good experience: BoC governor. I did some research and found this photo of him. I mean, it’s just so terrifyingly close to this Onion article: Laid-Back Company Allows Employees To Work From Home After 6pm.

A real SLAPP in the face: Kinder Morgan slaps Burnaby residents with multi-million-dollar lawsuit. The photo accompanying the article is terrifying. I mean, what the hell, Bono? First that whole iTunes fiasco, and now you’re serving legal papers on behalf of Kinder Morgan? And through Facebook?!

Worst kept secret: Fraser Institute co-founder confirms ‘years and years’ of U.S. oil billionaires’ funding. What a bunch of Koch suckers.

Does BC Ferries CEO Mike Corrigan have shares in Harbour Air or something? BC Ferries considers axing Horseshoe Bay-Nanaimo route. Hmm, I wonder if this is consistent with the province’s Clean Energy Plan? “The ferry document admits the sweeping proposals will ‘challenge historically established notions of how BC Ferries’ service is delivered to the mid-Island corridor, and will require changes in customer behaviour.’” Oh, I see. So it’s our fault. Not the guy making $900,000 a year. Not all the bells and whistles added to improve the customer experience, as though anyone needs to buy a fucking iPad on a ferry. Like the top comment on that story says, “quit trying to make it a cruise line and return the ferries to the Ministry of Highways”.

Weird, when you run the government like a corporation they start acting like corporations: Metro Vancouver may go to a single fare zone for buses, TransLink says. So it will cost the same to travel two blocks as it will 2 hours? Looks like we might have to update the Vancouver Lexicon entry for Transdink.

Ex-COPE bigwig David Cadman backs Robertson, saying left must ‘stick together’. Because we all know fear-based voting works every time!

I guess it’s better than these guys: Neighbourhoods for a Sustainable Vancouver aims to overthrow Vision with “strategic slate”. “They don’t take developer money yet are recommending a Mayoral candidate who is funded by developers to replace a Mayor who is also funded by developers…” -Parks Board candidate Jamie Lee Hamilton.

Homelessness cannot be ignored in upcoming Vancouver civic election. Vancity Buzz decided to get into politics! That’s adorable. Unfortunately, the author has conflated provincial jurisdiction with civic – as minimum wage, welfare shelter rates, real estate prices, mental health and drug addiction have nothing do with this election. But lo, “developers are to blame also”, so…

Don’t get any ideas, Surrey: Police charge 90-year-old man, 2 pastors with feeding homeless. If they were feeding the homeless to cannibals I could totally see how that would be a crime, but just feeding them? Oh, dear.

19 Things You Can Only Get Away With In Vancouver. Oh yeah? Here’s a quiz that I would like you to take.

In restaurant news: Renowned Vancouver restaurants Raincity Grill, C Restaurant close.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Winning The War On Drugs And NIMBYs Eating Their Young

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by Sean Orr | Quality of life: Controversial Vancouver homeless plan for former Quality Inn draws huge crowds and ire. “Once the room reached capacity, about 85 people were left waiting in a line-up that stretched out the hotel door onto Howe Street.” Oh my god! Imagine being left out on the street without a voice? The horror! “It’s going to be a huge transient community with people that don’t have a tie to the neighbourhood…” Sort of like…a hotel? Also, what about the huge group of people that had no ties to the neighbourhood that moved into Yaletown after Expo 86? Best comment: “But I thought homeless shelters were like monster generators in World Of Warcraft”? – Jay Harmer

The Kids Are Alright (as long as they aren’t in my neighbourhood): Residents raise the alarm over youth recovery house opening in East Vancouver neighbourhood. A special place in hell. “Neighbours were told residents will have no history of arson or sexual violence involving children…” The same could not be said of course for EVERY SINGLE OTHER RESIDENT in the area.

The NPA single-handedly wins the war on drugs: Vancouver’s Next Mayor? LaPointe commits to shutting down notorious Hastings and Main drug market. Captian Kirk to the rescue! Because black markets like this totally won’t migrate to somewhere else or anything…

Meanwhile, Bruce “I got hit in the head really hard over and over” Allen says homeless people aren’t citizens and gives kudos to Burnaby and Surrey for dragging their feet on shelters: Reality Check.

So you don’t want them in shelters, and you don’t want them to set up tents. What do you want? Wait, don’t answer that question. Surrey boots homeless from camp. Yeah, I mean…look at how beautiful that parcel of land is that those greedy people are destroying.

Silly us! Thinking that we could have it in anyway resemble how good the boomers had it: Shelley Fralic: Housing affordability in Metro Vancouver — Is the real issue our expectations? Ah yes, Lowered Expectations.

Sacred cows make the best burgers: Barbara Yaffe: City of Vancouver likes your home, so now it’s worth $500,000 less. That sounds like a lot, but on a 3 million dollar lot that’s only 15%. You can’t be against density, monster homes, and heritage preservation at the same time, daft people.

Province’s Sale of Family and Seniors’ Housing in Downtown Eastside Opposed by Residents. “The ‘Militant Mothers of Raymur’ had to take to the streets in 1971 to protect the safety and future of their children. The residents of Raymur will act now to protect their homes and community…” Stevie Wilson, can your next article be about this?

Related, unfortunately: Settler & pioneer “heritage hipster” styles in the age of Idle No More, Chinatown gentrification. TL:DR. Besides, we did it better.

OK, sorry…this is the last Jian Somessy thing that I will post, but clearly the most important: Facebook live statistics.

You guys ready to get weird? Campaign trail tarred with ‘gay serum’ rumour.

Weirdest new restaurant name? Invitro.

Bonus: Mac DeMarco stars as Dave Fuck in The Backer.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Bringing Out The Gimp For Ghomeshi & Galiano Island Brawls

October 29, 2014 

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by Sean Orr | To the surprise of no one, Harper Named World’s ‘Worst Climate Villain’ After Damning Report. He’s also been named the World’s Worst Regular Villain, too.

To wit: Bill C-60: Tories Quietly Taking Control Of CBC, Group Alleges. It’s like he wants to “hate fuck” the CBC more desperately than Jian Ghomeshi does.

Related: The real reasons Jian Ghomeshi is suing the CBC. Featuring my new favourite word: opprobrium.

Meanwhile, Canadian humour magazine not even gonna touch this one, no thanks. Not even with a ten foot, um…pole?

Woman stabbed in Vancouver sex assault recovering in hospital. The story comes with a map of reported sex assaults, so nothing about the usual abuse of sex workers on the DTES, because they’re notoriously hard to pin down on a Google map. “He says it appears to police the woman was targeted because the attacker believed she was a sex trade worker”. Because then it would have totally been understandable? And of course, the usual mantra is repeated: “Women be careful out there”. It should be this: “Men stop raping women or we will fucking hunt you down and hurt you.”

Related: Hey Baby: Woman walks around NYC for 10 hours, is harassed 100 times, the supercut.

Meanwhile, in Toronto: Chow slams Toronto Sun cartoon as “racist” and “sexist”. And Doug Ford losing is like “Isis coming to Toronto

The only time you’ll feel proud to get punched in the face: Omar Albach Video ‘Canadians React To Ottawa Shooting’ Ends With Punch In Face. Violence is never okay except when it totally is.

The take-away: Ottawa attack reveals gaping holes in social safety net. “How would a beefed-up national spying apparatus have helped here? Or address the problem of alienated, emotionally incendiary and often addicted Canadians?”

Bad smell shuts down Vancouver’s Cambie Street. Are you sure it wasn’t Granville? (The lowest of low hanging fruit.)

Local band Ken Jennings gets tweeted by the real Ken Jennings:

Meanwhile, on Galiano Island, this is the most exciting thing that has ever happened: Galiano Island pub fight sparks four-hour standoff.

Cue David Cross on Redneck fights.

Vancouverite on the front lines of the fight against Ebola. Attaboy, Kenzie! I’m honoured to have been served a drink by this man, though I had no idea he was part of Zach Galifianakis’ Doctors Without Diplomas. *wink

Best new Twitter: Gastown’s Bill’s Confectionary.

Best Halloween costume: Social Media Professional.

Bonus: A haunting on Cordova Street.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Rough Trade & The “Donnelly Group” Not Being So Bad After All

October 27, 2014 

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by Sean Orr | A chance, perhaps, to gloat: Ottawa attack highlights differences in Canadian-American media coverage. It’s pretty depressing how we get super excited whenever the media does its job properly. “There was a deplorable lack of political opportunism, and a dreadful dearth of doomsaying”.

Counterpoint: Never let the facts get in the way of a good Cronkite moment:

History. Context. Perspective. Understanding. Skepticism. Thoughtfulness. Canada’s so-called media and political “elites” abandoned them all. In their stead, we got a week-long diet of chest-thumping patriotic clichés, cheap, meaningless hyperbole and tropes that, taken together, have already manufactured widespread consent for what will surely be another assault on our rights and freedoms engineered by a cynical Conservative government.

Without further ado: MPs Pass Anti-Terror Bill. Including such fun provisions as the Philip K. Dick-sounding “preventive detention” and “investigative hearing” in which someone suspected of having knowledge of a terrorist act can be forced to answer questions. But not to worry, I pressed “Apple + F” to search the bill and found no mention of the word torture…

Mad LoVe quotes Padme Amidala, “So this is how liberty dies…to thunderous applause”: Young cadet continues to stand guard for Nathan Cirillo at Port Coquitlam cenotaph.

Meanwhile, Peter de Groot’s sister says, ‘He was executed’. Yeah, but it was to protect us, so never mind.

Moxy Frivolous: Fifty shades of Ghomeshi. Maybe he forgot that the D in BDSM stands for discipline. Maybe the lyrics to that Moxy Fruvous song should be “Once I was, the King of pain, Now I eat, humble pie”. Meanwhile, HuffPo reminds us that Liking ‘Q’ Isn’t a Good Enough Reason to Side With Jian while a ‘sex geek‘ wonders if the “don’t hate me for being kinky” defence will be used by people who perpetrate non-consensual violence.

Related: What goes on inside 8×6 isn’t the city’s business, licencing officials say.

Meanwhile in Whistler: Dumb, drunk and Dangerous: Idiots throw sleeping friend from 2nd story balcony.

Related: On the Twilight of the West.

Oh, and just in case you needed a reminder to not take a drug used in date rapes: Three people hospitalized in North Vancouver after taking GHB.

Via the Westender (with a straight face): Maybe the Donnelly Group isn’t so bad, after all. Money quote:

“…the look and feel of their pubs has always been an attempt to reflect the neighburhoods [sic] and clientele they’re serving…”

Hmm, even though it looks super realistic, Mordor isn’t a real neighbourhood.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Stampeding Idiots And The Terror Of Our Addiction To Hysteria

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by Sean Orr | A different kind of blowback: Ottawa shooter lived in Vancouver’s DTES. Let’s talk terror. Not the terror of Islamic fundamentalism, but the terror of mental health that surrounds us everyday. Not politically motivated terror, but the terror of addiction…

I wonder what would happen if we spent the same amount of money that we’re going to spend fighting ISIS (and their terrible beheadings while ignoring Saudi Arabia’s equally terrible beheadings) on addiction and mental health issues instead?

And instead of a measured response, we see drummed up hysteria. Attempts are made to tie the shooter to ISIS (he read their Twitter feed!), while Justin Bourque (a white guy who had conservative and conspiratorial anti-state world views) murdered three Mounties and the word “terror” is conveniently absent from the coverage. More collective amnesia. More police state rhetoric.

As Crawford Kilian writes: “We need to spend more attention on our own social and psychological state [...]  to ditch our democratic values and institutions would be to hand victory to the thugs…”

Oh wait. It’s too late: Conservatives mulling legislation making it illegal to condone terrorist acts online. Of course, nobody should condone a terror attack, but what if you question if it’s actually an act of terror, as I have just done? Also, does this mean every addict with mental health issues is a potential terrorist?

Meanwhile, what about the terror perpetrated against our aboriginal women? Fontaine and Gross: Two missing teens garnered two different responses. That’s not terror. That’s just isolated cases. A total fluke. No need to take any sort of collective action: Canada Is The Only UN Member To Reject Landmark Indigenous Rights Document. Protect Canadians! Just not the ones who were here first.

We need to protect our sacred institutions, like the RCMP: RCMP Cpl. Ron Francis, who smoked marijuana on job, found dead.

I’m not sure how to segue out of all this so… Watch a stampede of idiots endlessly run straight into a spinning metal thing.

Just in case you were wondering where our media stands in regards to resource extraction: New video series on resources debate launches. Yup, the husband of one of Christy Clark’s closest friends and advisors.

Meanwhile, one of the candidates hoping to join Green Party Councillor Adriane Carr on City Council has an investment portfolio heavy on industrial and mining stocks: Mayor moved, Greens energetic?

But that’s nothing. Just read through mayoral candidates’ statements. Particularly the first guy:

I’ve lived a good life in Canada and refuse to watch Asian immigrants buy our lives well raise property taxes on Chinese 5% our stop party mayor and van east PM is to blow up ISIS and take our country now prefer email and texts were running for families who pay most taxes n stay here mayor meynard & stop mayor meynard

Bonus: This is what rejection looks like.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On NIMBYs Whining, Rezoning Shaughnessy, And Cleaning Birds

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by Sean Orr | Our puritanical past future? Candidate for Burnaby mayor promises to ban kissing, holding hands in public. “Perhaps I don’t know what I’m talking about, but once I’m getting in I have to figure it out…” Sounds like she’s already a seasoned politician! Best comment: “Our Grandfathers fought for us to have this freedom…” Yes, our grandfathers fought the Nazis so we could hold hands. That was pretty much it.

Oh, and they also fought so our children could wear sexy Halloween costumes: ‘Sexy’ Halloween kids costumes at Value Village anger mom. Almost as disturbing are the weird, free market mantras littering the story’s comment section, a la ”if parents didn’t buy these costumes they wouldn’t exist”.

Only 3% of Vancouver residents think they have reasonable rents or mortgages. We love Vancouver and are willing to pay through the nose to live here…er…we just don’t want to pay through the nose to live here…

Related: B.C. builds lots of housing. But you can’t afford any of it. “But how about rezoning Shaughnessy, where the average density is one-third that of Grandview-Woodlands?” Because Shaughnessy, that’s why.

I just worry that our Most City status will be affected: Vancouver ranked the most city in the world.

Never forget! This was actually the lede in one of our major daily newspapers: Heads up, guys: Those trendy man buns can cause the loss of your precious hair. Speaking of heads, that is the exact location I would prefer to be shot after reading that.

Related: Angry Yoga. “And discover the present moment, and don’t think about this town…”

And definitely don’t think about this: Vancouver residents speak out against homeless shelter. “Residents in the area say they’re going to fight what they see as a plan that transplants the Downtown Eastside to their neighbourhood”. We demand social mix in the DTES, but god forbid there be social mix in the rest of the city.

To borrow from Mark Twain: ”Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you complained about homeless shelters; but I repeat myself.”

Obviously, other jurisdictions in the Lower Mainland need to step up: Surrey soup kitchen shut down on Thanksgiving. Yeah, because if you just stop feeding the homeless then homelessness will disappear.

Meanwhile, as Burnaby takes the National Energy Board to court, Kirk LaPointe wraps his lips around their, um, pipe: NPA pushes for LNG jobs in Vancouver. What jobs? Bird cleaners?

Meanwhile, Kinder Morgan questions how much B.C. First Nation still eats fish. Or, how much do you really enjoy that Starbucks latte, Terri-Lee? Because I’m about to take a dump in it…

The real drug pushers: Safeway, London Drugs and other pharmacy chains threaten legal action if cigarette sales banned.

The bubble has popped: Canucks say their sellout streak is over. One. Single. Tear.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Flipping Houses & Always Believing The Person In Dreadlocks

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by Sean Orr | Hooray! Vancouver wins injunction to evict homeless campers from Oppenheimer Park. So now they can go back to sleeping on benches and under bridges!

Update: VPD to wear body cameras when ensuring campers clear out of Oppenheimer Park. Let’s hope they have a livestream…

Dichotomy City: Vancouver’s real estate boom: The rising price of ‘heaven’. “The house prices are perfect…” As cringeworthy as that sounds, it’s nice to see some honesty from the rich.

Flipping the paradigm: OneCity proposes house-flipping levy in Vancouver. Just don’t tell these guys…The Flipping Formula team is on its way.

Which leads to the Tweet of the Day:

 

To be fair however, the NPA’s affordable housing platform doesn’t mention renters once.

But hey, free parking, right? Promises, promises — main Vancouver parties ramp up their civic election campaigns. In a city that is next to impossible to find parking in, what difference does it make if it’s free?

From my cold, oily fingers: Kinder Morgan TV ads attacked as influencing city elections in BC. She obviously cares about the environment because she has dreadlocks.

RED ALERT: Guy at Fraser Institute is pretty sure he just debunked climate change science. Press Progress is my new favourite website.

Not a Nathan For You gag: Shell brings back 1984 gas prices to celebrate anniversary. You really have to admire this brilliant piece of participatory propaganda.

From the people that brought you the Hump Day Hottie: Vancouver men, please stop harassing women. Written by… a Vancouver man. I mention this because a woman on my Facebook says the exact opposite, and that complimenting a woman is not harassment. Vancouver is uptight enough as it is, we don’t need another reason to not interact with each other.

Also, it’s obvious that you should be handsome, be attractive, and don’t be unattractive.

Meanwhile, Four white Sun TV panelists explain white privilege to guy who isn’t white.

Bonus: RBC Branch On Fire Painting Likely Won’t Win RBC Contest. Genius.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Dodging Debates And Smartass Vikings Being Mean To Jesus

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by Sean Orr | Oh look, the people we elected to go and sit in a house decided they would actually go and do that: B.C. Legislature to begin rare fall sitting on Monday. What are we supposed to do, throw a fucking parade for them? I mean, in the words of David Cross… “I don’t cream myself when the guy at McDonalds gets my order right…”

Ante up: Christy Clark’s No Pro at LNG Poker. Just because she said LNG will be a windfall for BC in order to get elected doesn’t mean she actually meant it. I mean, Jeez. Stop taking everything so literally, Bill.

Where in Vancouver is Gregor Robertson? Opponents slam ‘transparent’ mayor for dodging debate. He’s so transparent that he’s disappeared, get it?! But seriously though, this is a stupid article and a non-starter of an issue. There are real issues, to be sure, but not showing up to a debate sponsored by the NPA’s biggest donor isn’t one of them.

That being said, maybe we’d see him better if he wore one of these: Should Politicians Wear Uniforms Like NASCAR racers?

More bad optics: Voter suppression on Vancouver’s East Side in lead-up to November 2014 election? Again, a total oversight. But comparing it to voter suppression by the Republicans? Come on now…

Youth tired of being “tokenized” in Vancouver municipal elections: COPE board member. Those youth! They really put the toke in tokenized, eh? Eh? Oh shit, I just tokenized them, didn’t I?

Dog bites dogma: Trinity Western grad ‘attacked’ for being Christian in job rejection. “I signed it God Bless probably partially because I knew it would irritate them…” Way to take the high road there. “If I met God I’d have sex with him…” Wow…I think I have a new hero!

I’m not sure why I decided to put this next link here: Dragon Boat Society canoes destroyed in early morning fire.

Bonus: Here’s how Mish Way ‘lost’ her virginity. Spoiler: who cares?

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Snortside Stabfests And Taxis’ Exhausted Crusade Against Uber

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by Sean Orr | Bad news: Postmedia strikes $316-million deal to buy Quebecor’s English papers. As reported by Canada’s other paper, which is owned by Bell. Have you never read heard about the media monopoly in the mainstream media? No, because of the media monopoly.

Watch Conservatives mount courageous defence of their right to talk gibberish. That’s not a clickhole article. This would be a clickhole article: 5 Ways ISIS Can Reduce Its Carbon Footprint.

Meanwhile, Godwin’s Law put into practice: Tory Senator Uses Nazis, Trudeau Sr. To Attack Liberals’ Iraq Stance. Oh, and because ISIS got most of its weapons from the US and its allies, here’s a petition: Do NOT bring Canada into the war against ISIS.

Why Alberta producers won’t feel the fallout of plunging oil prices until next year. Isn’t the war in Iraq supposed to raise oil prices? Hmm.

Red Herring on the menu: Olivia Chow Smacks Down Racially-Charged Question. “I don’t know what it has anything to do with me being an immigrant”.

Meanwhile, back in in Lotusland, the press is keeping our politicians honest: Gregor Robertson Likes It Spicy And Other Fun Facts About Vancouver’s Mayor.

I’d rather vote for a peanut than an unremarkable nobody.

Meanwhile, in San Francisco: Proposition G: Stop unfair evictions. Wouldn’t it be cool if we had a civic party that took some sort of stand on this issue. Oh wait: “The Greens say they’ll protect apartment tenants from renovictions by strengthening the rate-of-change bylaw so all residents “have housing relocation plans for comparable or better accommodation at a comparable or lower rent before the building or demolition permit is issued…”

‘I’m ready to take on the $18-billion boys’: Vancouver’s cabbies take aim at Uber. Jesus Christ, what is wrong with me? I read that as “I’m ready to take on 18 billion boys…” and then I thought to myself, “C’mon now, that is way too many boys…” Some background via Jacobin: Against Sharing. Please do not share that article.

Schadenfreude of the day: Mark Donnelly trips over carpet during anthem Why schadenfreude towards the beloved singer? He’s anti-choice.

Meanwhile, in Gastown: Two men stabbed overnight at Gastown pub. Wow, Portside really does live up to its Snortside nickname (you know, because cocaine).

Also in Gastown, the neighbourhood gets even more interesting: Female models for Facesitting Videos. Shaun Layton, is that you?

Some background to the Satan Penis/Penguin Plinth: ARCHIVES: Memory loss — Clark Drive plaza sits forgotten and neglected.

In other really important art news: Joan Cusack replaces brother John Cusack as Vancouver graffiti artist’s favourite.

My building made it on to ScanBC:

 

No, it wasn’t me. But I do on occasion enjoy a large posterior.

Bonus: Worst Cats.

TEA & TWO SLICES | On Pot-Smoking Dogs And No One Caring What Harper Has To Say

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by Sean Orr | Hate and Hateability: Blog Lists Reasons To Hate Vancouver, So We List Reasons To Love It. Hmm, I hate “I Hate Van” because I’ve been hating Van for so much longer, but I hate the Huffington Post’s weak, cheerleading response even more because I can’t stand smarm. Scamcouver might do it better, and though I think it’s a lot easier to hate on Vancouver than to actually go out and make it a better place, I do appreciate the author’s Sense & Sensibility-like stance on shyness being a cop-out.

‘Follow the money’: Hundreds of millions are spent in the Downtown Eastside every year, but where does it all go? Aw, isn’t this swell! Kirk LaPointe decided to grace the DTES with his presence. The neighbourhood shouldn’t be seen as an alien entity that needs more oversight than the rest. How about you follow the money from illicit drugs all the way to Kerrisdale, Coal Harbour, and Yaletown instead?

Or should that be, follow the fur? Dog on drugs is the talk of Yaletown. “Marijuana affects dogs differently, similarly to the range of effects experienced by humans…” Thanks for the heads up on that, Dr. Vancity Buzz!

Follow the property tax: Vancouver has lowest property tax rate in Canada. Special shout out to all those complaining about Meena Wong’s speculation tax.

I wouldn’t ignore foreshadowing from a man named Macbeth: Canada Housing Crash Could Hit Next Year: Hilliard MacBeth. Oh, next year, eh? As in, after the election? Best comment: “I predict that it will snow in at least one place in Canada this coming January.”

Speaking of foreshadowing: Does Twitter foreshadow wins for Gregor Robertson, Barinder Rasode, Jonathan Cote, and George Affleck? I’ve already referenced Nada Surf’s “Popular” once this month, so I’m clearly fresh out of ideas…

Elvis Everyone has left the building: Stephen Harper Mocked Over Photos Of Empty Seats At UN Address. But what about what he said? “Saving the lives of the worlds most vulnerable mothers, infants, and children must remain a top global priority…” Except, of course, you know, if they are dying because of climate change, because…er…that doesn’t exist. And definitely not if they’re being bombed by Israel…

But it’s ok: Canadians becoming more ‘progressive’: poll. Nobody knows what that means, but it’s provocative.

Speaking of provocative: What is public art? If you have to ask, then you probably shouldn’t.

Romancing the stoned: Vancouver’s Underground Music. “Long besot by negative stigma from Vancouverites and tourists alike, the area possesses a seedy, oppressive mystique that permeates the rain-soaked streets…” Ooooh…

Craigslist of the Day: For sale: bullshit European baby scooter made of wood and smugness – $40 (west end).

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