Jackson Murphy’s Notes On The Long Overdue “Vodkapocalypse”

By Jackson Murphy | At my local government liquor distribution branch, there are currently sixty-nine types of vodka in stock. Sixty-nine, and that is just in the 750ml bottle variety. That’s enough to make Stalin spit off his moustache. One can get everything from cheap and blinding plonk to new and pricy brands that defy the liquor’s peasant rep, like the $68.99 bottle of U’luvka from Poland.

According to one review, U’luvka offers drinkers a vodka that is, “creamy and lightly buttery in character, with impressive sweet, savoury and spicy flavours, aniseed freshness and a long vibrant grain finish.” Now, God knows I like the butter, but I never knew my vodka could be buttery. There are also blueberry ones, Vancouver-themed ones, ones that come in crystal skulls made by Dan Aykroyd, organic ones, potato ones, and even mojito ones if that’s your thing. Wait, isn’t a mojito made with rum? Nevermind…if crystal skulls are good enough for George Lucas, they’re good enough for us.

And of course, comrades, our state-run, archaic liquor dictatorship is just scratching the surface. There’s no Diddy-endorsed Ciroc or Trump, for example, not even any of that crazy Kalashnikov vodka that comes in a wicked AK-47 gun made of glass (for serious). And what? No Ed Hardy? It’s an outrage! If Jon Gosselin comes for the Olympic Games, what the hell is he going to drink when he’s cold mackin’ it at Republic? Read more

Who Will Be Canada’s Next Top Minister of Food?

All the pre-inauguration hype of Obama and his magical, unicorn-riding Cabinet of Hope has got the chattering classes aflutter at all the change and possibilities. The first of presumably many disappointments was when foodies, expecting the appointment of a bold, reforming, worldly, and artisan cheese-eating Secretary of Agriculture were instead saddled with Iowa governor and ethanol and corn subsidy-loving Tom Vilsack.

For a short post-election time, New York Times columnist Nicholas D. Kristof (and food lovers) were thinking of reform in this department. Americans. the hope went, would get a ‘Secretary of Food’, and maybe an organic braised short rib on everyone’s plate. “A Department of Agriculture made sense 100 years ago when 35 percent of Americans engaged in farming.” wrote Kristof. “But today, fewer than 2 percent are farmers. In contrast, 100 percent of Americans eat [...] Renaming the department would signal that Mr. Obama seeks to move away from a bankrupt structure of factory farming that squanders energy, exacerbates climate change and makes Americans unhealthy — all while costing taxpayers billions of dollars.”

Maybe it was just that Michelle Obama once told ABC’s “The View” during the campaign that she and the incoming president were “bacon people”, but whatever it was, it got me to thinking along similar lines. Does Canada need a new “food” cabinet position? A Minister of Food, to be exact?

Just like in the United States, our agriculture economy isn’t what it used to be. It now employs only one in eight jobs in the country and accounts for just 8% of our GDP. Yet the Canadian government currently spends roughly $8.4 billion a year on it.

More telling are the 100% of Canadians who are eaters, even the vegetarians (who are really only half-eaters, since they just eat veggies). Whether Whole Foods organic shoppers or not, we spend $60 billion a year in food stores. From Clucks and Fries at Red Robin to inspired dishes doused with truffle oil, we also spend about $30 billion a year in restaurants. On average, each Canadian spends nearly $3,000 a year on food, and yet we only have a Minister of Agriculture and Agri-Food. That’s wrong (and I can’t think of anything more unappetizing than that title. It’s wrong, too).

I mean no disrespect to our fun-loving Minister of Agriculture and Agri-Food, Garry Ritz. He once owned a farm, was a contractor, and ran a small newspaper (he has a moustache as well, which is pretty cool). He also presided over – and made jokes during – the Listeria outbreak that killed 19, and still hasn’t provided a single serving of government action. They can’t even keep food safe.

And just like America and Obama’s pick, the agriculture business in Canada is every bit as manipulated by the murky intersection of oil and crops. Don’t get me wrong, ideologically I have no problem if our gasoline was mandated to include 5% ethanol. Hell, it could be 10% for all I care, but I’d rather not subsidize the growth of that bio-fuel to the tune of $2 billion per annum.

So I think we need a Ministry of Food, and maybe a reality show to find the next Minister of Food. Certainly it would be more entertaining that the new crop (no pun intended) of CBC shows that have just started. We’d need the Canadian version of Top Chef for this, preferably with Padma Lakshmi, Tom Colicchio, and Anthony Bourdain to help judge and eliminate the deadbeat would-be Ministers.

I mean, if we can have Olympic skier Nancy Green and talking head Mike Duffy trotted out as Senators, then we should be able to get Vikram Vij as our national food czar (he can still serve up tasty treats on the side if he likes). The only question for me personally would be if organic, food-loving voters would go with Harper and the Conservatives on such a move. Either way, it would be change that I could believe in, or at least shovel down my pie hole with a nice local Pinot.

- Photo by Michelle Sproule | Vikram Vij at the 2008 Spot Prawn Festival

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Jackson Murphy is the editor of The Vancouverite, a blog of Vancouver news, events, and gossip established in 2005. He’s been writing about politics and pop culture since 1998, and blogging on the interwebs since 2001. He’s currently working on interactive creative projects with his day job on the salt mines inside the underbelly of the advertising world.

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