On Banning Balloons and Other Great Ideas from the Buffoons Destroying Everything

Mainstream media unfettered fear mongering of the day: What if: Is Canada ready for a nuclear strike from North Korea? Best comment: “What if everything went wrong and North Korea launched a nuke at a group of tiny puppies?”

Of course, it will never happen here because we have these signs: North Korea To Disarm Nuclear Weapons Program In Light Of Vancouver Sign.

Calling the sign “revolutionary”, Kim Jong Un admitted Vancouver’s brave message had forced his hand and the dictator immediately declared his country would cease nuclear weapon testing and dispose of all WMDs.

But you know, it’s good to be constantly terrified. It gets the juices flowing: The more hopeless and scared I feel, the harder I need to be fucked.

When the largest recorded iceberg calves off the arctic shelf, crashing like a new continent into the oceans, let me push my hips into yours and brace the bottom of my feet against the tops of yours, and pull your arms closer around me. The permafrost is melting. Inside, there are diseases waiting. Smallpox. Anthrax. Dormant for thousands of years. Waiting to infect something. Waiting to kill us. Don’t go outside. The rolling fog is coming. Fall asleep beside me, snoring and dying, and in the morning let me feel you stir and twist, ready to go again.

Of course, all that science is just, like, your opinion man: 43 Percent of Canadians Say Science Is a ‘Matter of Opinion’. Yup, as a third Category 5 hurricane slams into the Caribbean…

We can’t house our cats in the Lower Mainland but we can house our Lambos: Luxury condos for supercars in supposedly impoverished Richmond, BC? I’m sure this is fine.

That if we scrunch up our eyes, it won’t seem like some sort of hyper-vulgar fever dream, what with Metro Vancouver being in the midst of a full-blown housing crisis and all. Where the benchmark price for housing of any kind – well, for we pathetic humans anyway – is now C$1,029,700, making the city among the most unaffordable in the world. Where the vacancy rate for purpose-built rentals is basically zero. Zero-point-seven per cent in Metro Vancouver if you want to get picky.

Whatever. It’s a tiny number. Which stands in contrast to the extremely large numbers associated with Hungerford Properties’ condos-for-supercars “Trove” project, which is a totally fine endeavour and not at all the kind of hubristic excess that results in common folk gagging and then curling up in the fetal position to quietly sob.

Ian Young is killing it! Except that the benchmark price for housing is $1.4 million: Radical disconnect as average Vancouver household reaps $65,000 a year, pays $1.4 million for home. The video that auto-plays with this article makes me want to scream. Some wonk talking about housing corrections, blah blah blah.

“Here’s an idea: in a city where only millionaires have yards, grown-ups should be allowed to crack a beer in the park”- Charles Demers: Legalize drinking in Vancouver parks. Um, these are the guys that just tried to ban balloons. Not going to happen.

One of the most common questions in American small talk is considered rude in much of the world. Actually, it’s sort of fun when people ask me what I do. Their faces get all contorted when I tell them I’m a dishwasher. “Oh, that’s, um, important too. Do you want to be a cook?” No. I don’t feel like making 7 bucks an hour. I’m weird like that…

Seattle’s Cook Shortage Could Affect Your Next Restaurant Tab. “We have a spending problem,” he says. “We have no problem buying new Audis, but we balk at the general cost of food… In reality, if I go order a steak, a good steak, it should cost $80″.

Boomer of the day: “I don’t necessarily like to pay $30,000 dollars to get a masters when I feel I already have the knowledge.” Toronto man ‘angry’ after learning his $8,100 master’s degree that required no exams or academic work is fake.

Headline of the day: Canadian gets jail time for biting girl at Green Day concert.

Bonus: Neo-Nazi Gets Knocked Out With One Punch In Seattle.

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