TEA & TWO SLICES | On Beavers Against Resource Extraction And Legal Prostitution

January 13, 2014 

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by Sean Orr | Coal derails climate; climate derails coal: CN Rail says beavers, rain to blame for Burnaby derailment. Even Canada’s national symbol is against coal shipments! “It’s not something that happens a lot, but it was certainly the cause of yesterday’s derailment”. Heavy rain doesn’t happen a lot on the west coast. Heavy rain doesn’t happen a lot on the west coast. Say it with me. Heavy rain doesn’t happen a lot on the west coast.

Don’t worry! Mitigation makes probability of oil spill very low, according to risk analysis done for Kinder Morgan. “The estimates are based on historical accident and spill figures, and include future ship traffic projections”. To paraphrase, ‘since there was only one spill in 1989 and none for the 125 years before that, the next one isn’t due for about a hundred years’. Genius.

But without oil and gas we’d be short on schools, hospitals, and other social programs = not true: Canada, the failed petrostate? “The oil and gas share of total taxes paid fell from 9.4% in 2006 to 4.2% in 2011″. A myth perpetuated by blowhards like Kevin O’Leary: Watch economic genius Kevin O’Leary utterly embarrass himself on CNBC. “All he needed to do was trot out some Soviet Gulag references and shout loudly, and a victory for capitalism would be assured”. But just what does economic growth really mean? Think of this simple analogy next time a politician talks about “economic growth”.

We didn’t have to wait long: Opinion: NDP must support economic growth and equality. “In much of the postwar western world this vision was broadly accepted across the political spectrum, fuelling the greatest period of upward mobility, opportunity and economic security in history. In recent decades, and for a number of reasons, the NDP and other social democratic parties have retreated from this economic leadership”. Someone get the neo-liberals in the NDP a time machine! Perhaps what they need is – oh, I don’t know – a jobs plan. “Every school and hospital in the province owes something to resource extraction”. Yeah, about 4%, as I mentioned above. Doesn’t anyone notice this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. Maybe the NDP should hire the guy from Rolling Stone.

High tide swallows Sunset Beach. And not one mention of rising sea-levels.

Big Sex in the Georgia Straight: Brothels for everyone! A new year, a new business opportunity? “Will sex workers be treated as any other business owners, or as a specialized, regulated profession? Will they qualify for a Costco card?” Ignoring that really awesome piece of cynicism for a moment, I doubt that the Supreme Court striking down laws is going to mean the instant commercialization of sex workers. I imagine it will be more like a policy of containment, much in line with the social experiment that begat the DTES. More harm reduction, less McBrothel.

Students suspended for sending ‘mean tweets’ to school board. Jeez. Whatever happened to putting acid in your math teacher’s coffee? Or, you know, good old witchcraft?

How is this not an advertisement? Silver Star managers abandon boardroom for 30 cm fresh powder. Gnar, bra.

Defining bad taste: local artist helps explain why Vancouver’s Main Street Poodle is so horrid. “But high culture is what enables us to climb out of the cave of moment-to-moment existence; it’s what gives us insight into what it means to be human”. So then, by extension, mocking people’s assumptions on what that actually entails is not anti-human, or even base, but rather an even greater insight into what it means to be human. And I’m not just saying that because the author wouldn’t hang that picture of me above his bed.

  • Rocket Sam

    High tide on that day had nothing to do with rising sea levels. It was exactly what tide tables said it would be. “Higher High” tides happen when the gravitational pull of the moon and earth are in line, causing what’s called a Spring Tide. Tide tables predicted it to be 4.82m at 10:09am on Jan. 7th. A bigger one is predicted for 7:32am on Feb. 2 of 4.95m.