YELP DIARY | On Loathing Sausage-Eating Hipsters And The Fusion Ambiance At Miku

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by Cristina Cook | Like a lot of people I know in professional kitchens, I pretend that I don’t waste a lot of time dwelling on Yelp, the “user review” site that turns idiots into lions and restaurant owners into apologetic ass-kissers. Since few – if any – of my peers ever respond to the reviews, which are usually full of shit and written by people who live in caves (with high speed internet), I thought I’d take the liberty of sharing and commenting on some pages from my therapeutic Yelp Diary…

“You may find a few celebrities here from time to time…” | Brian L. on Earls West End | A thousand times yes! If you dine out because you really want to see celebrities, please go to Earls.

“Ambiance – I still haven’t figured this out…the decoration looks high class, the place has a good ocean view, but you have mix of people dressing up formal, business casual and casual all talking very loud in the restaurant. Maybe they are trying to create some sort of fusion ambiance?” | Jayce C. on Miku | Hi Jayce, my friends call me Vancouver, but you can call me The Ambiance at Miku. Also, fuck off.

“Awful, awful, awful. Service was great. No thanks.” | Peter P. on Fable | I cut out an extraneous paragraph in this review because I’m collecting evidence for Yelp executives on how awesome it would be if they encouraged their contributors to write only in haiku.

“I will not go back again as it seems I pay a fortune for half a portion food, rude server, snub manager and kicked out after just because I dare to mention their bloody bird will sick people.” | Lucky B. on La Pentola | Be advised. If you go to La Pentola, “Bloody bird will sick people.” And probably without warning. Good luck.

And speaking of bloody birds… “No. No. No.” | Francis L. on Blackbird | Actually, that’s pretty spot on.

“This place sucks more dicks than a machine designed with the sole intended purpose of sucking the most dicks possible in the shortest amount of time.” Deedee S. on The Diamond | I normally get miffed at “this place sucks” reviews when they don’t provide any context (ie. why does it suck?), but Deedee’s lurid illustration actually makes me want to go to The Diamond. I mean, that’s a lot of dicks!

And speaking of dicks… “I realized, sitting visibly but inaccurately melancholic at my table in Chambar, staring intently into my water like I’m checking it for neutrinos, that I’ve fallen into a cliché probably inevitable given the empty seat across from me. I was that lonely man unaccompanied in a French restaurant, a prime source of comedy open for improvisation by the likes of Robin Williams and John Ritter.” Chris D. on Chambar | Holy good god! The writing is reminiscent of Alexandra Gill’s, but only if she grew a dick and then cut it off in frustration like some mythical foodster Van Gogh. Ritter knows what I’m talking about!

“Holy Thick Rim Glasses, Batman! Get out the tight pants, and let’s all wear toques inside! Sorry, Hipsters drive me crazy. Trying to prove how cool, unique and creative they are, yet somehow they all end up looking pretty much the same. Bestie is a total hipster haven.” Booja H. on Bestie | So, you give them a 1 star review after you say you love the concept, the decor, and the service but you hate the customers and don’t “understand what would possess someone to crave sausages for lunch”? Eat at home, moron. Special quandary: Anyone who uses the word “hipster” as an insult in 2014 should be registered like a sex offender, but anyone who uses the word “Batman” with that insult desperately needs to get laid.

“Stablefish – It was over cooked and bland” | Annie M. on Coast | And yet perfectly stable. Amazing! Two out of three ain’t bad, Coast. Hold your lame head up and remember that it’s not about how intelligent your customers are, it’s about how much money they are willing to spend.

“Let me ask you this: who shows up to a strip club to have a pound of greasy ribs and eats them in the gyno row while some broad is spreading her legs in front of you? I don’t know about you, but when I see those beef curtains wagging in my face I sure get hungry for ribs.” | Evelyn T. on No. 5 Orange | Mmm, ribs!

I’m still browsing, so expect another instalment of my Yelp Diary soon.

MORE READINGS FROM THE YELP DIARY

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Cristina grew up in rural Ontario and dropped out of journalism school to show up on time and cut various foods before applying heat to them at Toronto’s George Brown College. She has been employed by the same well regarded restaurant in Vancouver since she moved here in 2006. Though Cristina Cook is not her real name, she cooks, and is very Cristina.

18 Responses to “YELP DIARY | On Loathing Sausage-Eating Hipsters And The Fusion Ambiance At Miku”

  1. Rocket Sam on December 24th, 2013 1:02 pm

    Check out this guys reviews on Urbanspoon: http://www.urbanspoon.com/u/profile/3176055

    Each one critiques the female servers on appearance, and mentions whether he is dining with his wife or mistress that night.

  2. Ezze on December 24th, 2013 2:14 pm

    check out the reviews of 33 acres. its infuriating.

    “Don’t get me wrong; I love good design, fresh beer, fun places, fashion… People can even call me a hipster. And, I’m sure this place is destine for success: selling beer on Main St. But really, this is just another super-trendy, cash grab, tasteless, condo crowd, shit-hole.” – Nick A.

    what the hell is wrong with people.

  3. Gorman on December 26th, 2013 12:59 am

    haha, keep ‘em coming!

  4. Paul D. on December 27th, 2013 10:20 am

    I give this column 2 stars, reviewing Yelp reviews is so 2012.

  5. hm on December 27th, 2013 11:25 am

    Yet Christina is no better than those she’s critiquing, rarely rising above tu quoque, and ad hominem retorts. Calling someone’s intelligence into question because of a typo? It appears that Ms. Cook isn’t all that different from a yelp reviewer, an idiot turned to lion, stuck in her Cave, with her high speed internet, with nothing better to do than troll yelp reviewers.

  6. JERSEYSHORRULES on December 27th, 2013 12:29 pm

    I HATECHU JUDGEMENTHOL HIPSTERS. I DON’T LIVE IN A CAVE. SCREW YOU!

  7. Peter P. on December 27th, 2013 12:29 pm

    This is amazing. Keep ‘em coming.

  8. Jim Storrie on December 28th, 2013 5:21 pm

    YES. This is a good thing. More of this.

  9. WS on December 28th, 2013 11:15 pm

    Wow, really desperate to generate content.

  10. Jane on January 7th, 2014 10:05 am

    Would be funnier if she didn’t rely so heavily on mean spiritedness.

  11. Lulu Van D on January 7th, 2014 10:35 pm

    It’s actually Evilyn T with an i (speaking of typos) and her reviews are much more entertaining than anything Ms. Cook has ever written about yelp.

  12. Melissa Fong aka @InternationalMF on January 8th, 2014 12:08 pm

    Wow… why are you being such a terrible person? You are trying to make a story out of being a jerk- you have no content other than copy and pasting a post and saying “f*** off”.

    There are a lot of ways to criticize Yelp and be funny at the same time- There are a few NY blogs that take out funny personal snippets from people’s reviews that have no relation to the restaurant and demonstrates that a lot of reviews are just silly. There are also the actors doing dramatic readings of yelp reviews (which is a version of making yelp reviews sound pretty ridiculous). THOSE are funny.

    YOU are just a really mean-spirited person who is using anonymity to purge all your nastiness all over the internet.

    Yelp is a community of people reporting honest experiences. They aren’t supposed to be objective and they aren’t supposed to be flawless pieces of professional writing.

    I’m not a goodygoody person- I say really not-nice things about people that are deserving o critique. I also explain my criticisms better than “eff off”. So this isn’t coming from a “Do unto others…”-rant. I’m explaining that you are a just a jerk without a story.

    Sincerely,
    Melissa Fong
    -Yelp user, member
    -Person who isn’t afraid to write a proper critique and use my full name.

  13. Christine on January 8th, 2014 12:52 pm

    What is the purpose of this piece? To show you’re funnier or clever than these reviewers? Anthony Bourdain you’re not, Ms. Cook. Maybe Yelp does have some ridiculous reviews, but most of these aren’t even good examples of bad reviews and your cheap shots are way off the mark.

    But not only that, I’m amazed that Scout doesn’t realize that it’s readers and Yelp’s contributors are many of the same people, interested in all aspects of food. Why would you want to insult so many people who clearly spend a lot of time and money at restaurants – i.e. your sponsors.

    And if you’re going to publish these kinds of posts, at least get writers who are brave enough to show their face and stand behind their words.

  14. Peter on January 8th, 2014 2:50 pm

    Sounds like someone has their feelings hurt reading yelp reviews of the “well regarded restaurant” she works at. :(

    I agree that scout needs more quality control regarding their content generation.

  15. Thimc on January 8th, 2014 6:11 pm

    Yelpers are entitled to their opinions. And you Ms. Cook are entitled to yours. And now you’ve both contributed to all the garbage on the internet.

    So who IS rising above the fray and generating worthwhile content?
    Not you Ms.Cook. Not you.

  16. Chris on January 9th, 2014 9:01 am
  17. jimmy on January 12th, 2014 8:57 pm

    So Yelpers, it’s cool, maybe even funny, if you take the piss out of various businesses, in a completely subjective manner, with absolutely no regard to the consequences, but when somebody takes the piss out of you in the same manner, it’s “contributing to all the garbage on the internet” ?

    More please.

  18. Ed on February 4th, 2014 3:04 pm

    Well it seems as if Christina is one of those rude angry people who should not be in the service industry. I go out for meals at least 5 times but more like 8 times a week. I have had my share of very poor, rude, indifferent service. Yelp gives us an outlet to let others know so they can avoid getting a public beat down by some sad wannabe.
    On the flip side I also run across outstanding service and quality food that I’d enjoy and would rather others spend their hard earned money here instead of places that fall flat.