The full body umbrella pictured above was recently spotted in Japan. It keeps the holder dry enough to text and takes up most of the sidewalk, so expect to hate them as soon as they appear on West Georgia.

A new United Nations report came out this morning that has scientists 95% certain that “driving cars, running power plants on coal and oil, torching swathes of forestland and debris; anything involving burning carbon-based fuels and emitting greenhouse gases” is bad for the planet. The 2,500 page report, which was not titled Yeah, We Know Already, saw the work of 1,000 researchers peer reviewed by nearly 1,000 more. They were only “90% sure” of their findings in their 2007 report (seriously not making that up), which means our responsibility for climate change won’t be inarguable until 2019. Good work, everyone!

Related: the incoming right-wing Christian prime minister of Australia – who once called climate change “absolute crap” – can’t move into his official residence because it is infested with urinating possums. Well, Abbott once said it himself, “Jesus knew that there was a place for everything.”

Actually, that quote is misleading. Abbott wasn’t talking about possums or climate change, but rather immigration: “Jesus knew that there was a place for everything and it’s not necessarily everyone’s place to come to Australia.” He won by landslide. G’day!

NASA’s Earth observatory shows us how last week’s 7.8 earthquake in Pakistan caused an island to form in the Arabian Sea.

Meanwhile, in Syria, the loose coalition of 11 opposition groups fighting Assad’s regime predictably splinters with potentially un-awesome results (hey, haven’t we seen this movie before?).

Film director J.J. Abrams gets some animated guidance from die hard fans on how not to fuck up the new Star Wars film slated for release in 2015.

Fascinating: why Russians drink too much and their government doesn’t give a damn. Spoiler: it’s because the state’s alcohol tax revenues are so high that to combat alcoholism (because 1 in 5 Russian men die of alcohol-related disease) would be to cripple the economy.

Check out this shoebox 182 sqft subterranean micro apartment in Seattle. That’s very clever. Instead of building up in Yaletown, we should have built down.

Is the West End ready for beard ramen? No? That’s cool, I guess [sad face]. As to why Kris Krug dyed his beard brown we’ll never know.

Sir David Attenborough ably narrates a violent brawl between rival groups of drunken European football hooligans. Best line ever: “Now, where are those females?”

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