TEA & TWO SLICES: On Rainbow Sidewalks And The New DTES Restaurant That “Kills”

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by Sean Orr | I was going to self-radicalize but then I got high: Don’t Feed the ‘Self-Radicalized’. “Our real objection to the would-be terrorists from Surrey should not be that they wanted to kill a few of us. It’s that their infantile plotting gave our government yet another pretext for robbing all of us of our freedom and dignity”. Next time I make fun of The Tyee, please just remind me of this article and I will shut up.

Cool your jets: Conservatives now billing themselves as ‘Canada’s founding party’. We all remember the famous Conservative appointed senator Laura Secord, who when she heard of the Americans invading drove her Sea-doo across Lake Ontario to warn General Preston Manning. Mike Duffy, who was the King at the time, smiled and proclaimed “A Konservative Kanada for all!” (There was no letter ‘C’ back then).

Don’t look at me, I only eat white-people food: “Cuchillo” Restaurant: Another knife in the heart of the Downtown Eastside. What a total joke. The real villains and the real racism came when the federal government interned the property of Japanese-Canadians and never gave it back. And if it’s not enough that the author (who happens to be the privileged white son of two judges) suggests that the marginalized aren’t simply being displaced by this so-called “fancy” restaurants”, it turns out that they are killing them as well. Oh, plus “chilli” is now racist, just so you know. “Cuchillo hawks a modernized ‘Anglophone’ amalgamation of assimilated ‘pan-Latin’ cuisine, cocktails, art and architecture, created for the palates of Vancouver’s most privileged”. Yeah, but go to Hogan’s Alley Cafe and it’s ok because they’re immigrants. It’s enough to make one weep…

Meanwhile, Child poverty rate the highest in BC again. Pffft, have these kids never heard of Craigslist? There are, like, tons of jobs on there.

Nah, but it’s cool because Christy is gonna build a bridge over a lake. I know coups only happen in cool places like Egypt, but a brother can dream.

Mayor Moonbeam: More reasons to love Gregor Robertson: Permanent rainbow crosswalks in West End. I feel slightly bad for making so much fun of Sam Sullivan’s pet projects. Clearly the mayor of any given Canadian city is powerless, except of course when they are called upon to deal with crack tapes and natural disasters.

At least Mayor Robertson is distancing Vancouver from it’s puritan past. Vancouver restaurant patios will stay open longer if mayor gets his way. Well, we didn’t steal Tyler Bozak or Clarke MacArthur from Toronto, but at least we stole this!

And the cops are doing their part to make things more interesting by encouraging people to smash car windows: “Pets left in car with closed windows, no water, in the sun & in medical distress – call 9-1-1. If unconsious, break the window”. Wherein it turns out to be a pitbull taking a nap and it bites your face and the owner thinks you were breaking in and punches you in the face that you just got bitten on.

Keep on rocking in the free world: Pop music’s best interviewer is a very weird Canadian guy on YouTube. Ugh, but that Sonic Youth one is unbearable.

There are 3 comments

  1. I can’t believe I am still reading that whole “Fusion is confusion” reference…
    It reminds me of old people back in the day saying “Rap…it’s more like CRap”

    Mainlander is the worst.
    Comparing the opening of a restaurant on the DTES to the utter annihilation and conquering of millions of people is pretty fucking dramatic.

  2. I wonder how many generations immigrants retain the moral right to cook their native cuisine before they integrate and become “killers”.

    I eagerly await this, and other vital information in Part 3 of The Mainlander’s comedic classic.

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