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YELP DIARY: On Overdosing At Ensemble, Rednecks At West, And Ripped Off At Tojo’s

Portrait

by Cristina Cook | Like a lot of people I know in professional kitchens, I pretend that I don’t waste a lot of time dwelling on Yelp, the “user review” site that turns idiots into lions and restaurant owners into apologetic ass-kissers. Since few – if any – of my peers ever respond to the reviews, which are usually full of shit and written by people who live in caves (with high speed internet), I thought I’d take the liberty of sharing some pages from my therapeutic Yelp Diary…

Are you kidding me? They charge for bread! | Marissa G. on Hawksworth | Unless you’re eating in a dump, good bread costs money, honey. And you’re talking about Hawksworth, not the Old Spaghetti Factory. There’s kind of a big difference. Also, welcome to your 20’s. It gets better.

After going to Tojo’s I feel a few things. Ripped off, less trustful of all people, and stupid. | Aaron G. on Tojo’s | At Tojo’s, they call that feeling “full”.

I like this Cactus location because it is the first Cactus ever, so it has that vintage look which is different from the newer locations. | Jessica Q. on the North Vancouver location of The Cactus Club | I don’t even know what to say to you, Jessica, except that you should probably walk into the next Urban Outfitters and demand that they pay you a million dollars for your insights. Oh, and watch out for that red light. CRASH. Shit, are you ok?

What was supposed to be a place to get fun “quirky” comfort food for your “inner child”, turned out to be a mangled fete that included garish pink chandeliers (the only thing you can see clearly), drinks worse than faygo, and food that I now believe was cooked by a kitchen full of floobs and idiots. | S.D.N.O. on Society | I’m not sure what faygo is, but I’m definitely calling each of my co-workers a floob tomorrow night.

Took us 5 mins to get seated, and nobody approached us for ANOTHER 5 minutes, so we put our coats on and left. Nobody noticed that either […] What am I going to do with my groupon now? | Cristina P. on Point Zero Lounge | Did you try sticking it up your suburban ass? I mean, you took a coupon to a desperate Granville shit-show called “Point Zero” and expected something that was a step up from total disappointment. Think about that for a second, and then kindly change your first name.

Imagine celebrating a major life event at a highly touted, pricey restaurant. Now imagine EMTs parading through that restaurant to rescue a vomiting overdose from the bathroom which you are sitting near and facing. Wouldn’t you expect the management to acknowledge and respond in some way to the clientele who had to witness this scene? They did not. Hence one star. | Richard G. on Ensemble | So let me get this straight, Richard. Some poor soul nearly dies next to your precious comfort zone in the middle of your big deal dinner and no one on the staff remembered to hold your hand and comp you a fucking tiramisu? I feel for you, Dick. I really, really do. Those Ensemble jerks probably didn’t even sing Happy Birthday for you, either. Way to spread the word about your nightmare without coming off like a self-absorbed, psychopathic douche. Hence one star? Fuck you and the bridge you crossed.

So I’m PISSED and my boyfriend is glued to the TV and I’m about to LOSE MY MIND. | Deanna S. on Library Square | What the hell? I’m not sure what you’re trying to say there, Deanna, but if your boyfriend took you on a date to Library Square and you didn’t lose your mind, you probably already lost it a long time ago.

We waited for 25 mins and the general manager said “It is Friday night and waiting is not unusual.” He was rude and full of himself. Did he not realize that good service is an important element to the food industry? | May C. on L’Abattoir | It’s Friday night in Gastown, sweetheart. Have you ever eaten out before? Oops. That sounded weird. Sorry! Anyway, damnant quod non intellegunt!

The fish tasted like sausage, but hardcore. | Diana C. on Boneta | I can’t tell if this is a compliment or an insult, but if a fish tastes like sausage and it isn’t hardcore, then I have no interest in eating it.

But unbeknownst to me, as I was tucking in to those delicious cheese things, my boyfriend had reached between the booth cushions and pulled out what he describes as “a warm furry thing that felt really strange”. He looks down and it’s a dead mouse. A brown furry little guy with a pink tail. In shock, he jumps and the mouse flies out of his hand and hits my leg. Me? I’m still busy eating the cheese and have no idea that any of this is going on. A few moments later I look over and he is sitting with a rolled up issue of 24 in his hand. “What’s wrong?” I ask, because he’s unusually quiet. “I have to tell you something and you have to promise not to freak out,” he says. I agree, but I’m curious and confused. He opens up the paper and shows me the mouse. I find it difficult to believe, but there the little guy is. | Chloe on Stepho’s | What do you think it is that everyone is lining up for, souvlaki? Pro chef tip: eat mice. It’s totally a Greek thing, Chloe, like roasted aubergines, only crunchier.

Thank goodness for fast-acting antihistamine. | A.E. on Glowbal | Insert cheap cologne joke here.

This place is like a “Sex and the City” type of hotspot for eligible bachelorettes […] But do NOT bring your grandmother. You’ve been warned. | Sarah O. on Chambar | I know some of the male servers at Chambar, so this makes sense to me. That they would be hot for grandmas is not a surprise.

Hmmmnn…I think my review is too mean… so I will end it by giving their Cougar Juice a thumbs up! | Cherry B. on Rogue Kitchen & Wetbar | So there’s a girl named Cherry who wrote a mean Yelp review and then made it better by sticking her thumb up Rogue’s cougar juice. Or something like that. Yelp is weird and stuff.

There was a man dressed in black standing at the bar that looked like security. We nicknamed him Gino and were confused as to what his role was. | Kevin L. on Cioppino’s | His role was to beat the living daylights out of your ugly, stereotyping face. Buon appetito!

Not a place to take your 300 pound uncles Jed and Jimbo from Oklahoma. | John M. on West | The obvious, well stated. John should write a book of these. Think of the companion Tweet possibilities! @Bin941: totally wishing it was five years ago. @FatDragon: not a place to lock your bike. @Meat&Bread: don’t bring your vegetarian boyfriend. @Black+Blue: where you don’t get all your tips. We could go on and on…

I think people should stop judging chain restaurants. I’m telling you, for the affordable price, quality of the food, and the ambiance, Earls deserves more credit. And yes, I love Cheesecake Factory too. | Jewel Y. on Earls (Hornby) | So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Yelp in a nutshell: It’s full of boobs, but it deserves more credit.

I’m still browsing, so expect another instalment of my Yelp Diary soon (image credit).

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Cristina grew up in rural Ontario and dropped out of journalism school to show up on time and cut various foods before applying heat to them at Toronto’s George Brown College. She has been employed by the same well regarded restaurant in Vancouver since she moved here in 2006. Though Cristina Cook is not her real name, she cooks, and is very Cristina.

There are 39 comments

  1. Love it. The drinks are on me the next time you come in. Congratulations on the gig.

  3. Faygo: A regional soda made in Detroit. The only conclusion I can draw is that S.D.N.O. is, in fact, a midwestern rube.

  4. If you’re going to make fun of people for being from the suburbs, then how about we get all the people from Ontario, Alberta, et al to gtfo…just saying. Or at least you can give us back East Van.

  5. This has been one of the best things I’ve read on Scout.
    Thank You.

    Also suburbs guy…John Bunbary….John Burnaby? Are you being cheeky?

  6. If everyone who wasn’t born in BC “GTFO” of BC, there wouldn’t be a heck of a lot of people left in BC.
    Great piece, Cristina – looking forward to your next one!

  7. Great piece – hilarious. But maybe ease up on bashing people from the burbs… Unless Van properties are cheaper for chefs or you want to rent for your entire life, you’re in the same boat.

  8. I agree with John above, I think its completely hipstercritical to call someone a douche and mock where they live when you’re from Ontario. If you wear nothing but plaid shirts, skinny jeans with a touque half on your head in the middle of summer; guess what, you’re exactly the same as the ed hardy wearing people you’re mocking. And by the way these so called “original” restaurants around gastown are exactly the same as the chain restaurants you mock. Just have a look at any of their websites, Brand Hospitality Group, Heather Hospitality Group,etc… Bahhh bahhh little sheep.

  9. Thanks for this. On point, hilare, and I think necessary.
    Are people’s over-inflated sense of entitlement making them absurdly hyper-critical about going out for a bite to eat?
    If you treat the people at the restaurant like your friend, there is a better chance they will treat you as one. Actually, apply this sentiment to the rest of life while your at it.

  10. Amazing! Finally a GFY to the people no one gives a shit about hearing from! How refreshing! S’funny how food bloggers/Yelp reviewers know NOTHING about what it takes to run a restaurant. A million thank yous Cristina & Scout for sticking up for the guys working 14hr days and still rocking a smile. Yo Yelp, can you do that?!

  11. It’s typical Vancouver logic. If someone is born and raised in Vancouver but can’t afford to live there anymore=suburban trash. Someone from Ontario rents an apartment on Main St. for the past 6 months=”I’m from East Van”.

  12. Love it! Cristina you definitely have a cocktail on Ensemble, come in so we can give you a high five!.. Just don’t pass out in the washroom 🙂

  13. these are all gold – keep up the good work!

    my favorite is the one about the “first Cactus Club ever” and its “vintage” look.

    baaaaahahahahahahahahahahaa

  16. I find it interesting that you criticize people for having an “unqualified” opinion, but you yourself are doing nothing but the same and worse. You’re reviewing something you personally did not witness and based purely on speculation whereas someone with a review had a first hand account. You’re what I would call a fraud when it comes to journalism — this of course based directly on my reading your work.

  17. Charging for bread at the Best Restaurant in Vancouver is actually f**king tacky in my opnion. Mind you I wouldn’t yelp about it either.

  19. Whoo! LOVED this. It was only a matter of time before some industry was going to throw shitballs at the majority of people that provide total bullshit “reviews” on that cesspool of restaurant reviews on Yelp.

    What is just as good as this article are some of these comments.

    Not being from Vancity has SFA to do with the fact that those bridge and tunnel fucks come into Vancouver like a gang from a Mad Max , ritually turn downtown upside down every weekend and make working in the food service/club industry a trial & tribulation.

    If you really think she is painting everyone in the same light (douchebags from the suburbs), then you are wrong. And you simply do not get it. Do not be butthurt about the article. She is not speaking about you.

    I eagerly await the day when the bridge and tunnels will be tolled every weekend.

    It is easy to speculate from some of these comments that most have never even worked in a restaurant.

    The best reviews i have ever gotten for better or for worse are the ones that are so not chickenshit to say something to my face. I appreciate that. Even if i had to tell them in a flat, unimpressed manner that we do not serve Americanos, and will never have a gluten free option because we are a frigging diner.

    Thankfully i work for ownership that gives us the green light to deal with assholes expediently. After working in the industry for a long while, you develop a radar for people who will be a total hassle to service…and most managers and owners for some ridiculous, antiquated reason seem to think you have to acquiesce to these people who are routinely shitty guests at every eating establishment they go to.

    Snap your fingers?! Leave.

    Call my co-worker a cunt?! Leave. Lifetime ban.
    Cristina, you mail me, and ill buy you a drink/meal. It would be a privilege.

    As a bookened, Clinton really said it best, and ill add:

    The guest will never be right. But be a good guest and we will do anything for you. It is just that simple.

  20. These comments should come with a star rating system for the article…

    “Best thing I ever read!” 5 stars
    “Worse than Hitler!” 1 star
    Average rating: 3.5 stars

    My $0.02: Yelp is a target rich environment for lambasting, shaming and ridicule. Congratulations to the writer for taking it on. If you are in the industry, it must be incredibly frustrating to have your livelihood critiqued by such a powerful group of non-professionals.

    However, Ms. Cook seems to take the easy way out with her simplistic approach and “we’re cool, you’re not” attitude. As such, a real opportunity is missed here. More thought and effort could have really paid off.

    Not all bad though. Rarely do Scout articles generate more than single digit comment numbers.

  21. I can always rely on Yelp for a light-hearted laugh at the contributors who think themselves food writers… I was excited to read this article, anticipating harmless humour & some adorable quotes from grannies visiting the city & teenagers going to their first nice restaurant.

    BUT this this piece was so negative that it left a bad taste in my mouth – far worse than The Cheesecake Factory ever could. Ms. Cook bitterness reduced her taste to less than the Yelpers – I’d rather share a meal with any of them than that miserable loser. If this was her first piece I’d hope it’s her last! Scout, you are better than this.

  23. It’s nice to see that this didn’t turn into a big circle jerk for people in the restaurant biz…oops too late!!!

  25. This article was amusing on the surface but unfortunately it’s as weak as the reviews she’s singled out. For every ridiculous, laughable review on yelp there are dozens of well-written, respectful and supportive ones.

    If she’d done more homework this could have been a funny, solid story without being quite so nasty. Attacking people by their real names while writing under a pseudonym seems rather tacky to me.

  26. If you work in the service industry, you have to deal with people. People are the worst … no matter where they’re from. That’s just science. If you don’t like it, stop pretending your acting/writing/musician dreams are real, and change careers.

    But yeah, Yelp is kinda retarded. Then again, so is blogging.

  27. Wow, you’re an amazing writer. Really? I’ve seen Yelp reviews better than your writing style. What exactly is your point?

  28. My point is that whining about a fundamental part of your craft is a liiiiiittle silly.

    Consider the hypocrisy of your stance. Your very wellbeing is based on taking money from suburbanites. Take them away, and you may just have to finish journalism school after all.

  29. Wow, to think of all the business that Yelp has given to so many consumers, not to mention the honest advice. I know a lot of people that use Yelp and take it seriously, too. Nothing wrong with having a little fun of course, but my first thought towards any business that doesn’t like Yelp is “Why? What have they done in the first place to make people give negative reviewers?” If someone is a “regular” reviewer, they are certainly not out to get anyone; all one has to do is view their ratings. Most businesses in Vancouver are threes-fours and that’s just the way it is. We are not the food capital, although we have made great strides to compete globally. I notice that places like Vij’s and proprietors like Vikram Vij aren’t on here complaining; nor are any others that consistently give four- five star service. I wonder why that might be?

  30. I’ve been a fan of Scout for a long time, but I must say that I’m very disappointed in the quality of this article. I found it incredibly mean-spirited with no absolutely no redeeming qualities. Since when did Scout become a soapbox for pretentious, narrow-minded elitists?

    Are there ridiculous and unhelpful reviews on Yelp? Of course, but most people have the capacity to filter those out for themselves. The reviewers may not be experts, but their reviews are a catalogue of very real, valid experiences -feedback that is wonderfully valuable to any business manager or owner.

    Scout -you’re better than this. This is a nasty, ugly article, plain and simple.

  31. Obviously, there are people of two minds about Cristina’s piece. I read it and liked it as a piece of light entertainment, and I think that’s generally been the case (350 Facebook “likes” and counting). There is some good writing on Yelp, but mostly it’s awful. Deal with it.

  32. Most reviews are quite helpful and I usually check Yelp or Urbanspoon before visiting a restaurant. I think you’re generalizing the people on Yelp too much. I guess your article is suppose to be funny and it’s not bad, but you come across as a bitter person.

  33. Drips out of Journalism. Moves to Vancouver. Rips the blogging community to defend her second wannabe profession to show the actual patrons don’t mean shit. Then hides by her real name unlike bloggers and reviewers who post their true identity. Typical and hypocritical. Go back and get a formal education and stop writing like you’re still in high school.

    If its humor then it’s done in bad taste.

  36. Not negative about what you wrote on here but they are just expressing their experience that’s all again sometimes people are wrong and right but so if Friday night is the busiest night if the restaurant has their reputatiton there are no excuse to say sorry its busy night we can’t give you the regular consistency food… and if the people think they got ripped off then so be it Vancouver is one of the expensive city to dine that I can say its true the value, quality, service, consistency all that is little off compare to how much they charge but I can’t say who I know there are good places in #YVR but also bad places… again Do we just read YELP to go out to dine or shop? well it depends because I take YELP as Reference whether it has good or bad review it all depends on how they experienced but this is something you shouldn’t call out for names!!! Tojo is somewhat rip off its true but what can you do its THEY think they are the MASA of NY which is not or actually wayyy off so as Hawksworth r u Kidding me? I’ve seen and had experienced lots high fine dinning such as Eleven madison park, Per se, French Laundry, Daniel provides bread service for complimentry of the course and by knowing that the restaurant that isn’t even listed on world 50 best restaurant charging for small labor is just show how CHEAP they are no offense but its the truth Do I think Vancouver has great restaurants? Yes but they got to stop ripoff people’s pocket I mean comeon outside of Vancouver who knows or heard Hawksworth? maybe the Chefs? if lucky but Vancouver food scene can grow in a better way again the problem is the critics in Vancouver since they only give good feedback on the chefs they know or the owners they know so I won’t say much but Whatever YELP is Yelp its a reference page thats all I want to say lol (just to reminder not many restaurants in Vancouver is not as great compare to the price of they are charging)

  37. I use Yelp and I find pretty helpful when I wanna make a decision about where to go.
    Reading your article, no wonder why you aren’t in the food industry anymore…hatred.
    I suggest you focuse your energy on something more productive for you hun, writing is not your thing…and insulting people that wanna express themselves without hurting anyone is not gonna get you anywhere but down!
    Good luck!

  39. Christina Cook is biased because she works for a restaurant. There is nothing wrong with Yelp. It is a place for users to write about their experiences with a business. Where are they supposed to report their good or bad experiences? When I look for a new restaurant, I look at both professional and normal user reviews. The user reviews are sometimes more honest. Can’t always trust professional reviews because they could be bribed by they restaurants they are reviewing. The restaurants invites these professional reviewers to their places for a free meal. Of course these professional reviewers are obligated to leave a very positive review because they received something free. Yelp users paid for their meals, they have a right to leave a negative review if they think the food is disgusting. No sugar coating reviews on Yelp, just honest reviews.

    have you noticed that scout only publishes positive reviews? They never publish a negative review from a restaurant that sucks.

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