When I get old and Michelle puts me in a senior’s home, I hope a Latin-loving Darth Vader comes on stage with a trombone and makes magic for me and my orange juice while I wet my pants and disguise it with spilled tapioca.

Likely GOP presidential primary contender Jon Huntsman to come out against war in Afghanistan. Wait…what? You’re a republican Mormon descended from a long line of saloon keepers and proselytizers! You had hope, but now you might as well climb to the top of the Capitol and scream “I’m gay”. Good day to you, sir.

End of the line for dining cars on British trains. Sniff.

Dear flooded Mississippians, meet the neighbour you lent your shovel to…

Would you trade a salad plus $2 to a narc in exchange for cocaine? Of course you would!

With his pre-1967 Israeli-Palestinian border gambit, Obama tries to earn another Nobel Peace Prize. Mr. No-Fun Netanyahu balks (where’s President Bartlett when you need him?). My Nobel money is still on Mohamed Bouazizi. Make it happen Scandinavia!

The best right-wing, bat-shit crazy Tea Party event, ever.

RIP: 80’s wrestling icon “Macho Man” Randy Savage. Was there a chair involved? Nope. Was he pile-driven hard? Neg. Apparently, he suffered a heart attack while driving his jeep on the highway, careened across oncoming traffic and then smacked head on into a tree. Derp.

Best insensitive follow-up tweet ever: “and with the first overall pick of Rapture Draft, God selects…Macho Man Randy Savage! Ohhh yeeeah!”

And speaking of the rapture, it turns out its art isn’t all that rapturous.

But best of luck tomorrow, anyway. Save me a seat for Game 4 in hell.

And speaking of speaking of the rapture, Goodbye Newt, you dumb bastard.

Texas to legalise noodling. Because naturally!

Do astronauts have the internet in space? Glad you asked…

Bonus: Peter Jackson and Steven Spielberg’s long awaited treatment of Tintin gets a teaser trailer.