SCOUT is sponsoring Vancouver’s March 31st exclusive advance screening of Louis Letterier’s remake of the 1981 cult classic, Clash of the Titans. The new version, an effects-driven tale, stars Sam Worthington (Avatar), Ralph Fiennes (The English Patient), Liam Neeson (Schindler’s List), and Pete Postlethwaite (The Usual Suspects). It tells of the mortal son of Zeus defending Greece and the Heavens after Hades rises to wrest control over both. As you can see from the clips above, it looks pretty intense. Not exactly The World According To Garp, but we all make exceptions for art, and that Kraken at the end of the trailer is gnarly. If you join us with a double pass of your own (you and a date), invent your own mythical creature in the comments. Be as descriptive as you like. The best ones win tickets, starting now.
PS. Consulting your Monster Manual for aid in this contest will result in the confiscation of your 20-sided dice.
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Hmmm…I think a badass creature would definitly have to have several powers! The creature, who I will call Mythos, will be made of stone and possess the powers of nature such as fire, water, earth and wind. He can move, shake and crack the earth beneath your feet. He can wisp you away and send you flying into the distance with wind. Use fire to scorch his enemies until they are dust and water to drown a whole battlefields of armies trying to infiltrate his territory. Mythos does not need anyone to help him. He can defend himself with his six arms and large legs he stands at 12 feet. Two very big horns sprout out of his forhead right over his three eyes. Mythos is the man!
My creature is named Medushanaynay. She has electric eel hair, pistols as breasts, and turns men’s legs into quivery jellyfish tentacles if they dare look at her booty. She speaks in a ghetto East Van accent (with a hint of faux Brooklyn) and needs to get her scales filled every 3 weeks. If she ever breaks one of her 4″ spiny claws, watch out! Her trill will penetrate the ocean and cause one mean tsunami.
And so here is the story of Fiend. He was a tiny little bastard no bigger than a grain of rice. Lying in wait in the space between mattresses and headboards and using the cover of pillows to stay outta sight, he waited til you fell asleep. As his unsuspecting prey lay down to rest for the night and doozed off, he would scamper up the pillow using the little claws on his little hands. He would scale the side of his prey’s side and climb into the closest ear. Once inside it was a straight shoot for the brain where he would latch on his claws and whisper subliminal messages about drinking Coca Cola and Nike shoes directly into your grey matter.
Hes a man of few words, but his actions speak much louder. He can lift 5 hundred pound bourbon barrels without breaking a sweat. He uses rocky creek beds to break his falls off warehouse roofs. He calls the state of Kentucky home and refuses to leave, he also has no reason to. His name is Bobby Joe, mythical or not he is a legend.
Flying spiders.
think of a tiny creature, shaped like an edamame bean, but only one to two micrometers wide. his species flourishes in very hot environments but can multiply in cooler environments as well, even at room temperature. tiny, flagellum-like spindles allow him to move throughout the body at a rapid pace, usually ending up in the intestinal tract or closer to the rectum.
these creatures enjoy causing extreme levels of stress in the digestive system, culminating in a ferocious expulsion of associated solids. the creatures tend to attack at inopportune or awkward times for the host body, such as formal dinners, first dates, halfway through motion pictures, and during intercourse.
his common name is ‘explosivus diarrheum’ and he has yet to be defeated in battle.
My monster could make himself be invisible and be able to jump over mountains and be able to swim underwater for long periods of time.
The story…
They never saw it coming; they never had a chance. Those who walk the streets in the wee hours of the morning after long nights filled with debauchery, friends, strangers…. They, the people who unknowingly sit on the abandoned curb, resting and hoping a cab comes by on a thru-street. The last thing those poor fools will ever hear are the haunting rattling sighs from the monster, and their own screams.
If you go up to the north shore reservoir and look in you will find bodies, or at least what is left of them, lining her home. Bits and pieces of humans who used to have lives…families…now lay scattered in the foul smelling reservoir. You can clearly see their hands as they are the pieces the monster never seems to touch, and from which the skin doesn’t seem to tear as they are being dragged through the water ways and sewer systems of Vancouver.
Those who don’t end up as pieces in the reservoir are scarred forever with a crescent-shaped burn mark on their ankle; the first place the monster touches them before dragging her victims down the storm drain. Someone once described it to me personally as “an itch on your ankle that quickly turns into a terrifying burn.”
The kill…
Yes, at first it does itch, then it burns, and then it all comes in an instant – the pain of your bones breaking and your skin tearing off as she quickly drags you down into the storm drain – forcing you break and bleed so she can take you to her lair. Her dead, sunken eyes flash with greed and excitement the more you scream, the more skin she sees you lose in the struggle. Her mucus-layered body hovers in the sewer pipe, enjoying every moment of your agony, waving in tandem with the rattles and sighs of her laughter; hoping you will never give up, hoping you will continue to struggle.
Once the life leaves your body, she takes off across the sewer hovering lightly above the wetness as she drags you through it. Through the bottom layers of Vancouver you will travel; into tunnels and pipes, under houses, apartments, and businesses, and finally to your ultimate tomb, the reservoir.
The evidence…
(Note all testimonies are on record as per the Vancouver Police Department)
Testimony 1: May 16, 2006: “I was like…alone on the road and waiting for a cab after the bars closed. I saw something touch my foot, something really gross and burning. Someone, ah, someone heard me yell and ran over. I guess I was lucky they were there, right?”
Testimony 2, October 2, 2008: “It was my birthday, and my girlfriend took me out for drinks. It was really late, and I was walking home alone…she called to check in on me so I stopped and talked with her. After I hung up, I felt something on my foot, it really burned. I tripped into the street, landed straight on my face. The last thing I remember is waking up on the road, with some drunk woman yelling at me asking if I was alright.”
Testimony 3: June 18, 2009: “I don’t know what happened, I don’t remember really, but I have the same markings on my ankle as the others, the crescent shaped scar.” VPD INTERVIEWER: DOES IT HURT? “What? The scar? Not really. Sometimes it starts to smell, but it never stays that way for long.”
Testimony 4: January 3, 2010: “I saw the f*ing thing. I saw it look at me. I heard its creepy f*ing hiss, looked into its eyes. My buddy came out of the 7-Eleven and saw it let go of me and fall back into the storm drain. Disgusting. I’ll never get that f*ing noise out of my head.”
My monster would be called Magmeru, an evil creature humanoid of rock and magma. They inhabit the hottest volcanoes all over the world. Every known earthquake and volcano eruption were caused my the Magmerus. Their objective is to rule the earth by flooding the planet with magma.
My creature would be called Aggessus. It would weigh 1200 pounds, and have a long deadly tail. Aggessus also would have 2 heads and be the fastest creature on 2 legs. Aggessus would hunt and kill in pacts of at least 6 of its own kind.
How did I end up on this thread? You’ve had your revenge, nerds. I’m out.
Emerging in the not-to-distant future, Bloggus will be a creature of mythic proportions the world has never seen. Imprisoned throughout history thanks to the incompetence of human scientists to invent the internet and wordpress sooner, Bloggus finally has found liberation and can move freely through wi-fi and 3G networks. Bloggus is invisible to the human eye and travels through the blogosphere, afflicting the blog world with subversive internet memes, ultimately building complete and utter control of the entire worldwide human information network – without anyone ever suspecting a thing. Terrifying.
My creature would be called Braccus, a three-headed serpents snaking through the wooden forest looking for preys to swallow. It can mimic the voices of men and animals and thus is able to easily lure its preys away from the others and make a meal of them.