Vogue: “Lashes Are The New Breasts”

In these times of uncertainty and distress I find it comforting to know there is one thing I can always turn to for a little sobering advice and timeless wisdom – a fashion magazine. As an avid hoarder of Vogue, InStyle, et cetera, I wait anxiously each season to be told that metallic leather pants are worth their weight in rent money or that winter 2008 will be “all about sequins”.

Luckily, budget constraints and a small dose of common sense usually prevent most of us from following these declarations too closely, but who among us hasn’t had at least one “What was I thinking” moment with an unflattering unitard or some ill-conceived off-white denim?

But please don’t misunderstand – I genuinely love fashion and all it’s furious insistence that each season a formula has been found upon which we must base our entire outward personas from here on in. One the best headlines (in my opinion) appeared a few years ago and you could almost imagine the editor, manicured nails pinching a wrinkled nose in a display of utter exhaustion as you read the blazing words “THIS SEASON, THE ONLY PANT THAT MAKES SENSE IS THE SKINNY”.

Well, finally. That solves our debate! No other form of coverage is even remotely acceptable – we all must begin ‘Operation Wide-leg Purge’.

So it was with no small amount of delight that I read the following in October’s Vogue. I warn you now that this may change a few rules in polite society as we know it, so prepare yourselves. According to some inside sources at Madison Avenue it seems that “Lashes are the new breasts”.

I know, I know – but how can this be? Millions spent on augmentation, reduction, push-up bras and miracle cream when all we needed to do was pop down to the nearest Shoppers for a $5 tube of Maybelline!

Just imagine the consequences of this new development. Demure women will have to wear sunglasses, even at night (clear frames for you exhibitionists out there). Curious men will constantly be asking ‘May I take your spectacles?” and applying a nice thick pair of ‘falsies’ for a night out is now tantamount to having ‘work done’.

So there you have it. Another development in a world where ‘Spain is the New France’, ‘baby is the new black’, and ‘gnocchi is the new spaetzle’.

And remember – that playful wink to your friend is now basically a lap dance until further notice.